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I had figured he wasn't going to show. Sorry, sorry! I got stuck at work. Jonathan was tall, fit, and charming. His dimples appeared when he smiled or pronounced the letter c, as in CEO, his current title. This meditation, combined with reducing the inflammation and spending time outdoors, helped calm her nervous system. From there the positive thoughts and affirmations followed. Throughout this experience, Jenny realized it was the thoughts and stories she had made up about her physical experience that had caused so much damage and trauma in her life. Yes, she had to take specific actions to heal her body--it wasn't going to magically get better with her thoughts alone. But it was the combination that led to her recovery. She's still working through her trauma. Today, she's trying to reteach her body that it's okay to let go of the extra weight. She can feel the fear that still resides, but she recognizes it and is willing to meet her body where it is--forgiving and giving it what it needs in each moment. This is the ultimate lesson for all of us, because it's all any of us can do. We have to meet ourselves where we are today. Therefore, here you are, back in the human game to make another attempt to remember it. This dream is the one you believed would inspire that memory and everything you have is helpful toward that goal. Since you are here to find the depth that eluded you before, you cannot rely on the depth of others to find it. Your children are living the same process of trying to recall their autonomy, and they have chosen what they believe will reveal it. You help them to feel their essence by sensing your own.

A loving relationship with your children is not automatic; You earn that relationship by encouraging self-expression. Your emancipation into freedom of thought depends on releasing them to emancipate themselves. In every facet of life--be it politics, business, education, law, medicine or the arts--people prosper from the freedom to be who they want to be, do what they want to do. If you encourage your children's independence while they are still with you, they will welcome you into their lives long after they have matured. He was from the Midwest and had lived in San Francisco for about five years. He'd been single for most of them, save for a few connections that had seemed promising but then fizzled. After years of struggling on dating apps, he'd come to me for help. During our first few sessions, I learned what a high standard Jonathan held himself to and how successful he'd been in other areas of his life: student body president in college, winner of major international awards, Rhodes Scholar, and more. He was ambitious but also thoughtful and funny. He said, I've been using the apps, and I've been on a ton of dates. I know what I want, but I just haven't found him yet. I'm looking for an in-shape business executive who's at least six-four. Can you help? Yes, I can help, I responded. Like Jenny, releasing our traumas requires constant acceptance and forgiveness. It's surrendering to where we find ourselves in life, letting go of judging ourselves for the role we've played, and ultimately grabbing the reins of responsibility for what is in our control and then working from there to unwind our pain. Jenny shows us the power of forgiveness and self-love, which is available to you right now. No matter where you are on your journey to releasing trauma, you can forgive yourself. You can start to set healthy boundaries like Jenny did.

You may need to practice this regularly, but if you do, eventually it will become natural for you. Over time, your needs will change, just like Jenny's, but the more you gift yourself forgiveness now, the easier it will be for you to realize what you need. What feels right to you in this article? Do you notice a sensation of relief? Give yourself a few moments to go inward and see what arises for you. Children do not develop inner strength from being bullied and intimidated; If they are encouraged to be self-reliant, they build on that confidence as they go out into the world. As they go out into the world and prosper, they give others the gift you gave to them: the knowledge that independent growth is possible as well as fulfilling. Your children chose to be around your loving essence because they believed it would help them to remember their loving essence. Prove them right. If instead you teach them to blame, life becomes a mishmash of undirected energy moving around with like-feeling energy that also wants to blame. If this is you, wake up. If you forget the nature of self-directed energy in your present lifetime, you return to the human game until you do remember the nature of self-directed energy. No other option is possible because you won't settle for less. Encourage your children to trust their inner wisdom. But not in the way you think. Jonathan didn't need an introduction to the right tall businessman. He needed to completely reset his mindset for dating. That began with understanding all the ways in which the apps were affecting him. Issue #1: Our brains focus on what's measurable and easily comparable.

Apps display superficial traits, making us value these qualities even more. As we discussed in the previous article, decades of relationship science have revealed what matters for long-term relationship success: things like if the person is emotionally stable, kind, and loyal, and how that person makes us feel. Yet current dating apps don't let you search for any of those qualities. How could they? It's hard enough to accurately measure personality traits, let alone what those traits would elicit in you. Maybe you found yourself moved by setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-awareness, knowing your values, wall work, and building your no muscle. Maybe the idea of forgiveness hit a nerve and you want to try inner-child healing, mirror work, or walking through grief. Maybe the entire article resonated! You want to pay attention to anything that makes a strong impression. That's usually a sign that you've discovered an area that needs attention. If something does come up, ask yourself if it's something you want or need right now or if it's something to try later. Ultimately, what heals trauma is loving. You learn to love this thing that happened to you. You don't have to like that it happened, but you learn to wrap your loving around the horror, hurt, devastation. Patricia thought she was going crazy. They know what is realistic for them to achieve and what is not. Honor their choices, believe in their abilities, and support their ambitions. What more can you give them? If they appreciate their energy and find pleasure in their creations, they have everything. Eventually, your children will recognize their autonomy and create their homecoming.

Until then, believe in their potential and encourage their research. Let them test their powers whenever it's safe for them to do so. Your tolerance for diversity in the home and in the community is the example your children need as they leave you and enter the world at large to gain more mastery. As you open your heart to new ideas, you teach them the ease of expansion. As you honor your working hours as joyously as you honor your leisure hours, you teach them that all aspects of life are meant to be enjoyed. Instead, dating apps are limited by the information they can reliably capture and catalog: height, age, college, job, and how good someone is at selecting flattering pictures that make them look cool yet approachable, sexy but playful. This is a problem. As management consultants love to say, You are what you measure. In a column on this topic for the Harvard Business Review, behavioral economist Dan Ariely wrote: Human beings adjust behavior based on the metrics they're held against. Anything you measure will impel a person to optimize his score on that metric. What you measure is what you'll get. If you create a frequent-flyer reward system where you measure miles flown and tell customers that this number matters, Ariely explained, customers respond. They start articleing absurd flights from faraway airports to maximize their miles. In other words, we're suggestible--show us a metric and we'll assume it's important. While people have always prized certain superficial traits, the apps make us think they're even more important simply by measuring, presenting, and emphasizing them. It had started when her 18-year-old son had come to live with her. She had given birth to him when she was only 16. For the first nine months of his life, she had cared for him. But then the bishop in her Mormon church told her God had sent him a vision that her child should no longer be on earth with her. Maybe at one point, he'd know her as his mother, but now wasn't the time.