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Aggression is a reaction that you were taught. It probably helped you survive a bad situation in the past and so far you haven't found other ways of managing. Then take a hard look at what's driving the aggression. Know that anger is almost always a secondary emotion, meaning that there is also a more primary feeling beneath it like fear, hurt, sadness, or shame. That's the trouble spot you need to shave off. Here is where a mantra will come in handy--something you tell yourself when you bump up against that familiar iceberg. Then you can calmly solve the problem and do the damage control that's needed. Next time, instead of going ballistic or dissolving in tears, you can refuse to let the situation hijack your emotions and take something like this approach: Okay, I know I must be bumping up against my familiar iceberg of always needing to deliver. That's something I prize about myself, but in this circumstance, it's not possible. That doesn't mean I'm compromising my integrity or values; I need a plan. First, I will e-mail my boss and calmly explain to him why this project can't get done tonight. But I will also tell him specifically what is still needed for me to do, and how and when I will be able to do it, and then give him a reasonable timeline for delivery. The first of these to come to our attention was Nathaniel Cantor (39) whose article on The Dynamics of Learning (made available to us in manuscript form some two years before publication) expressed a viewpoint similar in many ways to the one we were reaching. Cantor, with his background of interest in Rankian thinking and his training in sociology, was stressing such points as the following: That the teacher will be concerned primarily with understanding and not judging the individual. That the teacher will keep at the center of the teaching process the importance of the student's problems and feelings, not his own. That most important of all, the teacher will realize that constructive effort must come from the positive or active forces within the student. Not only were these views of Cantor very congenial to our own developing methods in education, but his reproduction of large blocks of classroom discussion in approximately verbatim form served a highly important function.

Just as publication of verbatim counseling cases had focused attention both on principles and on the full meaning of the implementation of those principles, so Cantor's material indicated not only the meaning of his generalizations, but the radical alteration in educational method which was implied in his principles. While some of his conclusions were not in accord with our own experience, nevertheless the area of common agreement was encouragingly large. Somewhat later Earl Kelley, taking his start from the significant demonstrations of perceptual behavior being developed by Adelbert Ames, brought out his provocative little article, Education for What Is Real (100). Although his conclusions often seemed to go far beyond the data of the perceptual studies, his thinking was very much in accord with that of Cantor and our own group. Accessing the primary feeling may help divert you so you don't take your feelings out on someone else. Be accountable for the ways your words and actions hurt others. If you're victim to someone else's angry outburst, as in intimate partner violence, try to keep perspective. The problem is not you, the problem is their inability to manage their emotions effectively. That understanding can help mitigate your downward spiral into unworthiness. I wish you safety. Both of you need help, separately (and then perhaps together, if safety permits). Remember, too, that when you are higher on the social scale, you have more opportunities for outlets, whether it's negative outlets like taking it out on lower-ranking people (like your kids or service employees) or positive outlets like getting a massage now and then or taking the time for a walk outside. For those lower on the social hierarchy, it may take more creativity to find outlets. Regardless, it helps to have compassion for why you do the things you do--and put the effort into finding ways to cope that are less harmful to you and others. Let's look at a second example from a real life meQuilibrium member. Jennifer is a forty-year-old single working mom of a seven-year-old. She's a website developer who is making a good name for herself, and she needs to get a proposal to a prospective big client by Monday. The problem is that it's Sunday, and her son is looking up at her with big, blue, disappointed eyes when she tells him she can't play with him because she has to work for most of the day. Jennifer feels the stress begin to rise as anxiety takes hold and her thoughts began to spiral: This is a mess. I need to get this work done--it could be a huge client for me that will bring in a lot of money--but how can I have my kid just play by himself all day?

What kind of mother does that? I should be with him . There it was: the should that was Jennifer's clue that her icebergs of I must step up to get ahead and A good mother should always be there for her kids were colliding. Here's how she navigated them: Still later Snygg and Combs, developing the implications of a phenomenological approach to psychology, devoted two trenchant articles to the goals of education and the task of the teacher. Their conclusions simply cast in somewhat different terminology the thinking which we had been attempting to implement. Education, from this point of view, is a process of increasing differentiation in the individual's phenomenal field. However, differentiation of the field is something which can be done only by the individual himself. It cannot be done for him. As a living organism searching his field for means of self-maintenance and enhancement he differentiates only those aspects which are necessary and helpful to the achievement of his purpose. Change in his field does not have to be motivated. In fact it cannot be prevented. It must continue as long as he is unsatisfied, that is, as long as he lives. As a living organism with a tremendous drive toward growth and self-enhancement he requires only practicable and socially acceptable opportunities for growth and development. Some coping behaviors cross a line into addiction. Conflicting definitions of addiction abound. I'm going to use the term addiction to refer to habits and actions we continually repeat despite adverse consequences. Addiction rests on a lack of control, where you are driven to do something even though you know it's not benefitting you. It goes beyond drugs. It could mean continued use of anything: hours on social media at the cost of work, school, or family commitments, or continued shopping despite the damaging drain on your bank account.

From the point of view of brain physiology, the workaholic and drug addict are trying to release the same brain chemicals. It's the same process. THE BIOLOGY OF ADDICTION What's going on biologically in addiction? Yes, I believe I need to continue to work hard to get ahead in this business. That's a value I want to keep. I also believe that a good mother should be there for her kids. Another value I want to keep. I have to remember that these are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Sometimes caring for my son means that I need to work to be able to provide for him. By doing this today, I can land the project that will enable me to afford his camp tuition, and that will benefit him. I will make a plan with him to work until 4:00 and then take him to the park. That will also motivate me to work more efficiently so that I can get this done and we can get out to play. And that's how we talk ourselves off the ledge of a rocky iceberg! Thus progress in discovering the implications of client-centered therapy for education, and in implementing those implications, was forced primarily by our own compelling experiences as we modified our classroom procedures, but it was enriched and furthered by the contributions which have just been mentioned. Indeed, the thinking of these authors has become so inextricably mingled with that of our own staff that it would be impossible to say what was the specific origin of many of the ideas and concepts developed in this article. This is not to indicate that our indebtedness is limited to these recent expositions of radically new points of view in education. In one sense our experience is a rediscovery of effective principles which have been stated by Dewey, Kilpatrick, and many others, and a rediscovery of effective practices which have certainly been discovered over and over again by competent teachers. Aichhorn (1), for example, came upon some of these same practices through the same channel, psychotherapy. Yet the fact that others have come to somewhat similar conclusions, not only in recent years but in the more distant past, takes away nothing from the vividness of our own experience of discovery as we have tried to implement our therapeutic viewpoint in the field of education.

It is from this latter first-hand acquaintance that the material of this article comes. THE GOAL OF EDUCATION It may avoid needless misunderstanding if it is clearly stated at the outset that education which embodies the principles of client-centered therapy has relevance for only one type of educational goal. It is not education which would be relevant in an authoritarian culture, nor would it implement an authoritarian philosophy. Earlier, I discussed the trigger, behavior, reward pathway wherein you discover that implementing a coping behavior gives you some relief, and the more you do it, the more it gets hooked into your brain. Neural patterns take hold, becoming habits. After a while, you don't even consciously have to think, Oh, this will make me feel better. When things go wrong, your brain is wired to automatically go to that behavior to get you out of that bad place. Turning on autopilot like this frees your prefrontal cortex for other thoughts. Over time, your body comes to depend on the drug or behavior to stimulate your reward system. When you're not doing the drugs or behaviors, your dopamine levels decline, leaving you with painful withdrawal symptoms and intense cravings. You may feel compelled to keep taking drugs or doing the behaviors to avoid these negative emotional and physical withdrawal symptoms. The brain doesn't function normally without the drugs (or whatever addictive substance or behavior you're hooked on). Addicted people usually have low serotonin levels. Step Three: Determine Which Icebergs Need to Be Melted Which, from your list, are not serving you? Which are outdated or no longer useful to you? For which ones do the cons far outweigh the pros? For each one that needs to be melted, challenge them with a thought zapper that you will apply whenever you bump up against it. Here are a few to give you some ideas: