I am asking questions. Look - look. We're both flaming now but don't forget: I love you, your happiness is the crucial thing, this negative rush we're stuck in will only last five minutes. How 'bout we shut up for a sec, get in a big hug and a kiss, then try to respect each other by talking it through calmly later on? Darling, this isn't helping either of us. Whatever part of it's mine, I'm really sorry. Here -- let's take a few minutes, I'll go in that room and you stay in here, then we'll come back friends and start again and resolve this. Oftentimes we argue because we're just taking out some inner dissatisfaction on the closest person to us. We don't mean it, do we? It's just what we do, and we always regret it later. That's why the better our life is, the better we will treat our loved ones. 6 That is an enormous amount of money being spent on something that, at best, produces conflicting outcomes. Why? They simply want to satisfy the need to do something. Wellness programs that supposedly move people toward healthier lifestyles look great on reports and audits. But do the employees look great in the mirror? The largest study to date measuring the outcomes of such programs concluded that the programs do not in fact change measurable health metrics such as weight or blood pressure. 7 Perhaps we should return to a time when insurance companies offered lower premiums for healthier people and even had their own wellness programs. I imagine if the insurance premium or amount of cost sharing decreased a substantial amount with documented weight loss and lower blood pressure, that would motivate some individuals who are straining to cover their health care costs.

Conversely, if the doctor documents that their patient is continuing to smoke, use marijuana, eat a poor diet, gain weight, and poorly manage type 2 diabetes, then what if the insurance company and doctors charged more to cover such complex (costly) care? I don't have all the answers. Have you ever had any questions about this? I appreciate your concern. I understand how change feels. Tell me more about your unease. Have you ever evolved in a belief or interpretation? Have your thoughts on church structures ever evolved? I am approaching this with great care, not carelessness. I believe the best of your intentions. Please believe the best of mine. So then, a focus on improving ourselves will lead to our being happier with our progress and thus less easily irritated and moody. Or sometimes the arguments are there for a solid reason. You go about your life together and ninety-nine per cent of the time it doesn't erupt, but then now and again it rears its hideous head. , over and over, because this really is an obstructing issue. She wants to buy a car and you think that's fiscally irresponsible. He thinks it's fine to be a bit flirty with women, you really, really don't. You think one of her close friends is beyond horrible. I'm sure you'll recognize the funny side of all this, namely: there are issues in your relationship -- you'd be a lot happier if you resolved them -- but instead of soberly discussing them, taking account of each other's feelings, registering each other's view, you just let it fester There it sits, beneath the surface, and then the only time you two discuss it is when your logical brains are not engaged. Partly that's because when we're happy and smiling, we don't even want to go there.

Well, you need to -- now. What if the responsibility was placed on the patient rather than the medical doctor for failure to meet health metrics set in place by the insurance company? Where is the tangible incentive for patients to improve themselves in this backward system of value-based care? You would think the concept of living a healthier life would motivate people but it alone does not. In fact, a onetime monetary reward will have little long-term impact. But a continuous system with positive and negative reinforcements for healthy behavior choices will directly affect health outcomes. Is it time to use both positive and negative reinforcement in order to reduce cost and improve compliance? This is how we teach our children as they grow up, so maybe adults need to keep learning the same lessons. If Americans would stop using tobacco, change their diets, and exercise more, 80 percent of all heart disease, stroke, and type 2 diabetes, as well as 40 percent of all cancers, may be prevented. These diseases are the biggest chunk of $150 billion per year in health care spending. We would have ample funds to develop treatments for childhood cancers, to help veterans suffering from traumatic limb amputations, to get those with mental health disorders the screening and treatment they need, to help those afflicted with traumatic brain injury, and to put the opioid crisis behind us. I am the same person you love. Let's walk this out to its furthest possible conclusion. What are you scared of? Thank you for talking openly with me. I have a different conviction. We can come to different conclusions here and still love each other. Just as it is not your responsibility to explain your every step, it is also not your job to change someone's mind. You get to be a thinking, reasonable, discerning woman who takes her faith seriously. Full stop.

Your convictions do not come with a built-in requirement for arguing or convincing, no matter how much you are baited. Now, with all the talk that compromise and understanding are so important, that you agree with in theory -- you must grit your teeth and actually follow that practically. You know, it really is a miracle when two people who were strangers become lovers who get along so well, spend all this time together, and see things mostly the same way. We should respect that miracle and give some concessions and try to compromise. How big an issue is this stuff, really? Do you fully understand why your lover thinks like this? And do they understand your side? Try and discuss it a few times with the heat turned down, then you might actually make progress. If you don't, the issue will drip on like a leaky pipe -- and potentially go from worse to terrible -- and you don't want that, do you? If it's bad it probably won't get better. People get engaged, married, and have babies thinking it's the cure. These goals are not beyond our grasp as a country! The solutions are in fact quite simple. However, we lack the leadership to unify us in these goals and propel us forward to a healthier America. At one point it was our medical doctors we sought for such guidance, but as we continue down this rabbit hole of government intrusion, we are killing them off, too. Our society has always placed a high value on a single human life--what can we do to cure a single person? Individual health is important. Equally important is making sure America remains a leader in medical innovation, with a health care system that is fiscally sustainable and a population that is not floundering in preventable illness. Our medical system intends to deliver care, but we might as well call it illness care. Americans are not focused on practicing healthy habits to prevent disease.

We wait until we get sick, then react by getting treatment. You do not have to attend every fight you are invited to. Nor do you have to defend yourself. Depending on how deeply you are embedded in a specific faith community, there may even be a feeding frenzy, one of our worst characteristics. If your niche is particularly uncharitable, you may be called names, shamed, rebuked, iced out. Listen to me: you will not die of conflict, resolved or not. It will not kill you, dear one. You will live. They will live. The church will live. You can handle this. Meeting your romantic partner's parents for the first time is a fairly stressful life event, and that makes it a good test of all the lessons you've learned so far. Before you meet them, sit down and really think about and predict which qualities they will be looking for in you, as opposed to those that attracted your partner. Invest in mental preparation, it's the way to succeed. Let's remember that the parents, sitting on the best sofa, are from an older generation and therefore might be more conservative and old fashioned. Their main anxiety is that their offspring's partner should be a good, steady, rational choice. It therefore follows that your being cool and edgy, or sexy, with a sense of humour that your partner lauds as wicked, won't do much in the way of delighting them. But here are some virtues that will help to win them over: Respect. When you're in their home, being quiet and reserved will work better than showing them a loud, hand-pumping persona.