Date Tags help

For you to truly prepare to break free from the cycle, you need to make sure that you have surrounded yourself with a support team that can help you get through the challenging periods that you are about to face. You want to make sure that your support team is filled with people that you can trust, and that will help you feel safe and comforted during the process. They should be people that you can inform as to what is going on and what you plan on doing, and that will believe your experiences and support you in the process. Healing from any form of abuse is painful, sometimes to the point where it feels even more painful than enduring the abuse itself. This is because when you are within the abuse you enter survival mode which ultimately keeps you fairly numb to the greater picture of what is going on. While you certainly experience emotions, you do not experience them as deeply as you do when you finally start to come out of it. Furthermore, stepping out of the cycle is going to expose you to emotions you are afraid of: such as a fear of being punished for not doing what are supposed to do or the anxiety of standing on your own two feet when you are used to serving someone else. When you were a child, these experiences lead to massive punishment and experiences of neglect and abuse. As an adult, your mother may attempt to engage in these forms of punishment again, but the reality is that you are no longer at the mercy of her. Mrs. Easley, I was just-- She gasped, I heard. I was afraid it was happening again. Julie purged when she was in high school. I--we--thought she'd stopped. Can I talk to you a moment, Doctor? Mrs. Easley glanced at her daughter. In the hallway, please? Instead of stressing yourself out and filling your mind with what you haven't done and what else you've got to do, instead of telling yourself how unfair and difficult things are, recognize that there is only a certain amount of time available to get things done, or, if something has come up and forced you to change your plans, then recognize and accept that you're going to have to reorganize your day.

Stop allowing the amygdala to take over and waste your time and energy railing and resenting it. Accept that the shit has hit the fan. Now breathe. Simply take two minutes to stop what you're doing and focus on breathing. A two-minute breathing space will help calm you down, collect and clarify your thoughts. It's not easy but if you can do that then you free up your brain to think more clearly and deliberately and you'll be more likely to find a way through. Prioritize and plan. No matter how many times you hear it, it's still a truism; Even when - or especially when - things are urgent, you can still prioritize and plan what needs to be done. This was the first time he had gotten his hands on a computer, and although it was primitive and had to be programmed with punch cards, it seemed like something magical--a portal to the future. Over the next few years, he taught himself how to program by consulting the few articles then written on the subject, but mostly he learned by trial and error. Like painting on a canvas, he could see the results immediately of what he had done--and if the programming worked, it had a certain aesthetic rightness to it. The process of learning through trial and error was immensely satisfying. He could discover things on his own, without having to follow a rigid path set up by others. Deciding to pursue his studies further, he chose to attend Cornell University, which at the time had one of the best computer science departments in the country. Here he finally received instruction in the basic principles of programming, cleaning up many of the bad hacking habits he had developed on his own. He became intrigued by the recently developed field of artificial intelligence--the key to designing the kinds of computers he had dreamed about as a child. To be on the frontier of this new field, he applied and was accepted to the graduate school in computer science at Harvard University. At Harvard Graham finally had to confront something about himself--he was not cut out for academia. When you have been exposed to narcissistic abuse from your mother since a young age, your entire perspective is shaped around what she pressured you to think.

For this reason, it can be easy to get sucked into the anxiety and fear that comes with this chaotic perspective that never seems to have any clear sense of direction or rules around what it truly is, or isn't. The perspective of narcissists and therefore the perspective of their abusers is confusing, overwhelming, and always filled with uncertainty which can further increase your feelings of stress related to the situation. This chaotic energy becomes so consuming that you cannot see anything beyond it, both because you were groomed not to and because you are constantly just trying to figure things out. It's like being trapped in a puzzle and not knowing the way out, and never realizing that you now have the power to put the puzzle down and walk away from it entirely. Pull yourself out of the perspective of being a son who is never good enough, or who constantly has to try to live up to your mother's unreasonable and unclear standards of who you should be. Stop trying to understand it from your mother's perspective, because it is never going to make sense: it is always going to shift just as soon as you think you have it figured out so that she can keep you on your toes and pleasing her as much as you can. Let go of the idea that this reality she has attempted to spin for you is one that you are required to live in, and stop trying to justify why she behaves the way she behaves. To explain the story from an outsider's perspective, sit down with a journal and begin to write down your entire life story surrounding your mother. Write about the types of abuse you faced, the stories she told you, and the ways she treated you when it was just the two of you versus when other people were around. Dr Ramos said Certainly, and followed her out. Julie watched them leave and took a deep, shuddering breath. Wow. My mother knows I'm doing it again, and she didn't scream or threaten me, like she did when I was in high school. Of course, it's not like she can ground me or force me to go to therapy. I guess it's my choice now. She tilted her head side-to-side, as if weighing her options. Back then, I never told the shrink everything. Maybe I will this time, since, ya know, talking to Dr Ramos wasn't that bad. Ashley smiled ruefully. You simply need to work out what's really important and then work out what steps you'll need to take to get things done.

Look at everything you've got to do or could be done for a particular task; Write it all down. Instead of letting it all swirl around your head, write it all down. Look through your list, decide what's important - what has to be done or what you really want to get done. Before you do anything, work out what's important; Now write them down in the order that you'll do them. It's easier to get straight on to the next step if you've already planned what and how you are going to do it. It allows you to maintain a steady pace and keep the pace going. A step-by-step plan allows you to simply work consistently towards what it is you want to achieve; He hated writing research papers. The university way of programming took all the fun and excitement out of it--the process of discovering through trial and error. He was a hacker at heart, one who liked to figure things out for himself. He found a fellow hacker at Harvard, Robert Morris, and together they began to explore the intricacies of the programming language Lisp. It seemed like the most potentially powerful and fluid language of them all. Understanding Lisp made you understand something essential about programming itself. It was a language suited for high-level hackers, a language specifically made for investigation and discovery. Disillusioned with the computer science department at Harvard, Graham decided to design his own graduate school program: he would take a wide range of classes and discover what interested him the most. To his surprise, he found himself attracted to art--to painting, and to the subject of art history itself. What this meant to him was that he should follow this interest and see where it would lead. Also be sure to write down what you overheard her telling other people about you, and what she seemed to behave like when she believed you were not around.

Get a full perspective around what was going on and write it from third person so that it feels like you are truly narrating your life story with your mother. Keep your journal nearby and re-read it anytime you feel yourself getting pulled into your mother's distorted reality so that you can keep yourself focused on your recovery. The more you can reinforce your sense of reality, the less likely you will be to fall for her abuse and find yourself believing in her lies again. This is your best opportunity to free yourself from abuse and move forward without constant relapses and regressions into the cycle. Until now, your mother has taught you to believe in her and everything she tells you, even if you can compile a long list of evidence as to why she is wrong and why her sense of reality is distorted. You must begin to learn to validate yourself before you start the process of officially physically breaking free from the cycle of abuse with your mother so that as you go through the transition you can validate yourself. If you do not practice validating yourself first, you will find that as much as you want to break free you struggle to do so because you do not have her validation to help you do it. Even though this may sound illogical, the process of breaking free will distort your sense of logic as you will be deeply invested in your emotions which can lead you to defy logic altogether. This is exactly how abuse gets so far in the first place. Telling a doctor the truth--whether it's a body doc or a mental doc--is never that bad, even when it's extremely scary shit. Trust me on that. But you gotta follow through. You heard what the doctor said, Julie. You could die. Julie was clearly spooked. I know. I hear you. Can you help me, Ashley? You've been through this stuff. Have realistic expectations and goals.