Avoidantly attached people are so good at pushing other people away, the only time they end up in a relationship is when the other person is especially persistent. I am nothing if not persistent, Vivian said. The server finally arrived with our drinks. Vivian looked out the window, watching a couple on the bench outside the cafe. What about that last group of babies, who stopped crying when their mom returned? Absolutely not, Danielle would say. She couldn't imagine connecting intimately with another man ever again. First, none would ever compare to her husband, and second, why would she risk the pain of losing someone she loved again? But Danielle argued with herself. She knew that her husband would want her to experience life again, and a part of her did, but she also didn't know how. Up and down had gotten flipped, and she kind of hated herself for not being strong enough to get through it. Danielle was ashamed that she felt broken and dead inside. All Danielle wanted was to hide, though she knew that wasn't the answer. Trauma can make us feel fractured, where we've lost all or parts of ourselves somewhere along the way. Maybe some parts of yourself are hiding, but they're just waiting for you to seek them out and bring them back. If you are open to accepting any focus he favors, he shares his passion with you as often as he can. If he has many passions, let him try them all. No reminders are needed that he dropped the last one quickly. He is just experimenting. Let him do so comfortably.

If you have lots of rules and regulations in hopes of teaching him about discipline, you better have some pretty good reasons for those rules and regulations; There has to be a payoff for him. Otherwise, he is not learning about discipline; You can't force a child to feel passionate about a particular theme; If you expand a talent through discipline and persistence, you are the teacher you child needs. Those are the securely attached babies, who felt confident their mothers would meet their needs. People with a secure attachment style make ideal partners. They're reliable and trustworthy. They tend to avoid drama and, if not, are able to defuse it when they see it coming. They're flexible, forgiving, and good at communicating. They behave consistently. They create healthy boundaries. They're comfortable with intimacy. People with secure-attachment styles end up reporting higher levels of relationship satisfaction than avoidant or anxious folks. I have literally never dated anyone like that, Vivian responded. And if you do this, you will slowly build a bridge back to yourself with oneness, wholeness, and unity. This is the most epic quest we may take in all of life, and it's the one that we'd argue is the most worthwhile. Because when you find your hidden pieces, and when you build a bridge back to yourself, your world will shift for the better, the healthier, and the brighter. You will be connected to your inner life force--ignited, moved, and energized by it in ways you may have never experienced before. Of course, you want this for your life.

It's not a question of if you want this, it's how do you get it? What do you have to do to find yourself? We've already looked at two key pieces of this puzzle: modern therapies, and ancient traditions and natural remedies. Now it's time for the third: self-nurturing practices. These practices consist of self-soothing to recognize and take care of our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. The good life is the one in which all participants express their individuality and contribute to the circle of humanity. Your child has to learn to love who he is, not who you want him to be. If you urge him to respect himself, you act like the parent he longed to have. When a child is born into a caring and devoted family, she is motivated to overcome hatred quickly. A child, who never has any reason to hate inside the home, finds her first challenge outside the home. Since hatred is the result of feeling different and excluded, she begins to hate the person who makes her feel that way. Often, the first experience with ridicule happens at school. One child is different, and another child lacks the skills for embracing that diversity. The child without those skills then ridicules the one who is different in an effort to feel better about herself. If your child is the recipient of this kind of cruelty, she wants to heal quickly. Are secure people, like, one percent of the population? In reality, 50 percent of the population is secure, 20 percent is anxiously attached, 25 percent is avoidantly attached, and the remainder fall into a group called anxious-avoidant. That might seem like good news. The problem is that while securely attached people make up 50 percent of the general population, there are far fewer in the single population. That's because secure people tend to get snatched up quickly.

They're good at building healthy relationships, so they tend to stay in them. That's why the dating pool is full of anxious and avoidant daters. When I explained all of that to Vivian, she sighed. I give up, she said, sipping the last of her smoothie. She said that, but she didn't. For most of us battling trauma, self-nurturing is a foreign language. We weren't taught how to self-nurture in school (although maybe we should have). And most of us grew up with parents who had no clue how to self-nurture themselves, let alone how to nurture their kids. We have had few if any role models to show us how to feel safe in our bodies, self-regulate intense emotions like fear, move through negative feelings and thoughts, differentiate between safe or unsafe environments and people, or build healthy relationships. And any conversation around self-nurturing and self-care has to address the elephant in the room. Many of us with hidden trauma hold devastating beliefs that we don't deserve anything good or pleasurable or safe in this world. We believe we don't deserve to feel loved, happy, respected, or at peace. But you deserve all of this and more. You deserve to feel cared for, safe, appreciated, and honored. You deserve to be surrounded by people and in environments that support you, that love you, and that respect you. Your reaction either hastens or delays her process. So, how do you assist a child who is discriminated against because she looks different, behaves differently, or talks differently? How do you help her when she is made to feel out of place? How do you help her to find a sense of peace? The first step is to accept the premise that no one is to blame.

If you don't point the finger at other children and call them nasty or unkind, your child won't have to deal with reprisals. That's one big load off her mind. The second step is to wrap your arms around her with words of love and praise. Notice her attributes and encourage her to believe in herself. Trust that she brought the qualities that are important for her journey. EXERCISE: Determine Your Style If you're curious about your own attachment style, answer these questions: How comfortable are you with intimacy and closeness? How much do you tend to avoid intimacy? How anxious do you feel about your partner's love and interest in you? Do you constantly worry about the relationship? You may be anxiously attached if you crave closeness but are insecure about your relationship's future and your partner's interest in you. You may be avoidantly attached if you feel uncomfortable when things get too close, and you value freedom over connection. You may be secure if you are comfortable with intimacy, spending time alone, and don't often worry about the relationship. You can take the online quiz linked from my website, loganury. You deserve to wake up every morning connected to your life force and energized to meet the day. You were born to experience all that is good, positive, and life-supporting in this world, and you were made to share it too. It's almost impossible to escape from this life without experiencing some kind of traumatic event. But it isn't a life sentence to pain, misery, sorrow, or heartache. We're meant to move through all the moments of our lives so we can return to our core--to our life force.