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In article 2, a quote from Dag Hammersjold helps elucidate the process of making the natural transition from our first building block of indispensable people management habits--one primarily focused within--to the contiguous foundation-layer building block that focuses more externally, on understanding others. Neither marriage nor any spirit can change that we each live, to some extent, alone. But to what extent? That's the pesky question hope poses. It is to what extent that makes both the possibility of marriage and the possibility of a spiritual connection so compelling--sometimes ecstatic. Developing both takes work. They take a reaching out, a willingness to get hurt, feel inadequate, be disappointed over and over. Both require persistent hope in the face of disappointment. Both require that you not take your life at face value. Both require that you try to see what you can't see, to see what is blurred, what is not visible, what many people (including you sometimes) would say doesn't even exist, what cannot be divined by any scientific instrument that we have: the essence of another person, or the presence of God. The rustic instruments we can use reside in what the poet William Butler Yeats called the foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart. Once we are clear on what our values are, it is important to make them a part of our daily lives. As we have seen, if we are aware of our values and can make the connection between them and those activities that we find difficult or stressful, we can reduce our levels of anxiety and stress. The practice below helps us become aware of when our actions are in alignment with our values and when they are not. It can then be extended to help us with decision-making. Putting it into Practice Embody Your Values: Carry Them Around With You For this exercise you will need your list of five core values. Next, find and print out (or if you are using magazines, cut out) images that represent each of those values. If you are searching for images on the internet, it might be a good idea to set a time limit on this exercise to ensure that you don't get too distracted!

Cut a piece of cardboard into five pieces, each the size of an average business card. Selfitis is defined as the compulsion to post selfies to social media. However, the disorder was a hoax. While it's true there was a study on people who regularly take selfies, the psychologist who authored the study never said anything about selfitis being a disorder. Nevertheless, 200 media outlets reported it as if it were a newly discovered mental disease. Between 1982 and 2006, there has been an apparent increase in scores on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI). The NPI is a self-questionnaire - with 0 being the lowest score and 40 being the highest. An analysis of over 16,000 NPI's of undergraduate students found there was a steady increase in NPI scores during that 24-year period. The average NPI score for the population is 15. Narcissism can be found to some degree in everyone, and some degree of narcissism is healthy, which is why the average score is not near zero. The NPI assessment can be taken at https://openpsychometrics. The habit of inner examination, Hammersjold advises us, creates greater awareness of what is sounding outside. The message's advice is clear: Know thyself to know others. Listen to yourself in order to listen to others. Appreciate yourself to appreciate those around you. Understand who you are to assist others in knowing who they are. It is a process that implies that gaining greater awareness about what you are thinking and feeling leads to greater skill in being able to read and interpret what is going on around you. And the more adept you are at sensing what others are thinking and feeling, the better equipped you will become at knowing what messages to send to people who work for you, and how to frame them. Defining Empathy The term empathy derives from the Greek word empatheia, or feeling into;

For our purposes, empathy is defined simply as: In our age, we reject or trivialize the power of these instruments. If we can't measure or test or prove an idea, then it is not worthy of our attention. We live in an age that demands proof based upon empirical evidence. The rest is hogwash. How desperately we need that hogwash! Let's say you agree. Let's say you want more than what the measured data can prove. Let's say you are willing to use the instruments in the rag-and-bone shop. Let's say you're a good sport and you're willing. You're ready. Next paste your value images onto your cards. Write your core value on the back of each card and put them in your bag, your purse or wallet. Choose three times during the day when you will take the cards out and look at the front and back of each card. If you choose three activities that you know happen each day and anchor this new habit to those activities, you will greatly improve your ability to stick with this new habit. For example, you could take your cards out when you have a cup of tea, or when you sit down to each meal. The exercise need only take a couple of moments. Just look at the card and repeat your value either out loud, if you are alone, or under your breath if you are in an office or with company. Don't just read this and think it is a nice idea. Create the cards and put them in your purse or wallet.

Remember the huge range of health enhancing benefits that the Stanford researcher Kelly Mgonicall found when people made connections between their daily life activities and their values. It's important to understand that the NPI does not indicate whether a person has narcissistic personality disorder, as it is a screening tool and not a diagnostic test. However, a higher score on the test can indicate a person may have some symptoms associated with the disorder. The analysis found a 2-point rise in NPI scores over the years. To put this into perspective, the average NPI for celebrities is about 17, which is two points higher than the average person scores. This was discovered by asking 200 celebrities to take the NPI. The study was conducted by Dr Drew Pinsky, who found that musicians averaged 16. Only about one percent of the population has narcissistic personality disorder (more men than women); That is the claim of San Diego State psychologist, Dr Jean Twenge, who found the two-point increase in NPI scores between 1982 and 2006. However, another study, using a much larger sample, found no increase in NPI scores between 1996 and 2007. A study at the University of Illinois also didn't find an increase between 1989 and 2009. The capacity to understand and respond effectively to the unique experience of another. Given this definition, it is evident that empathy includes three main components: understanding, responding effectively, and a focus on the unique circumstances of people and situations. Let's look at each of these three components separately. Certainly managers are required to have solid understanding about a number of things regarding the people who work for them. They need to understand, for example, the basics: the essentials of the jobs that report to them, the requirements for performing these jobs, what superior performance looks like, how the job gets done extremely well, and much more. But these types of technical understandings only scratch the surface about what a manager needs to know and appreciate. It is at least, if not more important, for managers to understand: What motivates each direct report, and how each of these individuals is likely to respond to varying motivational techniques. Do you see the difference between the more superficial, content-oriented technical understandings (job specifications) versus the more interpersonal, process-oriented understandings that characterize the skill of empathy?

Obviously, there are an almost infinite number of additional understandings upon which a manager can focus. Your only question is, how? Where do I find those instruments? How do I use them? And how in the world can I trust them? They are the instruments we've been talking about throughout this article: attention, focus, empathy (which depends upon imagination), curiosity and an inquiring attitude, the ability to listen, patience, and a willingness to enter into, if not trust, a process more powerful than you and your brain. These instruments are at hand. They reside within you now, and always have. You developed them growing up, and you've never lost them. They may be rusty due to lack of use, but you could sit down with your spouse right now and say, Tell me about your day, only this time do it with true focus, rapt attention, a genuinely inquiring heart, ears that are primed to hear what isn't said, and an imagination eager to extend itself into the reality your spouse will present. Aw, c'mon, you say. And if you are questioning whether introducing such a small habit could really bring about any significant change in your life, consider the following quote from Seth Godin: Your audacious life goals are fabulous. We're proud of you for having them. But it's possible that those goals are designed to distract you from the thing that's really frightening you--the shift in daily habits that would mean a re-invention of how you see yourself. Strengthen Yourself by Writing About Your Values In this exercise I would like you to keep a Values Journal for twenty one days. The process follows on naturally from the previous exercise where you use your picture cards to remember your values at three key points of the day. At the end of each day, take out your journal and spend between ten and twenty minutes on the exercise detailed below. Tips for making our value-based habits work