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Sadly, this tendency, as well as the awareness that she could not fit in anywhere, led to an eating disorder in addition to alcohol and drug abuse. She could not sustain friendships because she did not understand why her friends expected her to return calls, to share feelings, or to make small talk. Consequently, Leah spent her childhood isolated from her family, her teachers, and her peers. Many children exhibit these same symptoms to varying degrees. The Web site www. Or there is Heather, another bright child who is an extremely demanding, hyperactive, and inattentive child who is noncompliant and disruptive. Another young girl, Nicole, was very compliant and did well in school until age eleven, when she became oppositional and began isolating herself from her family and peers. Notice also that Dan didn't actually agree to replace the vacuum free of charge (he might not be allowed to). He also didn't blame his colleagues and he didn't disparage the brand of vacuum cleaner. When you have nunchi you can get on someone's wavelength without making them promises or throwing everyone else under the bus. When making a first impression is really important to you, here's some counterintuitive-sounding advice: thinking of yourself less, and focusing on everyone but yourself, may be the best way to find the good connection that you seek. Asking Questions We're often told that asking questions is a good thing to do when we first meet people--and, of course, it is far better than offering a monologue about yourself. But it is possible to believe you're using your nunchi, while doing the opposite. When you ask questions, you are focusing on the other person; What if your questions make the person uncomfortable? Are they blushing or stammering or looking around the room? To master our problems, we must reframe them as opportunities. We must also redefine our identity to see ourselves as capable of deftly handling what is before us. A Course in Miracles tells us that the word challenge is a misnomer, as the word implies a possibility that we may fail.

As divine beings, created in the image and likeness of an omnipotent God, we cannot fail. We can delay success, hold on to self-images of failure, and repeat errors, but ultimately we will emerge triumphant. Every apparent problem before us will sooner or later be resolved, and we will be left only with gifts. The Course encourages us, A happy outcome for all things is assured. It is very useful to eliminate the word problem from your vocabulary. Here again we see that relanguaging is an important transformational tool. Whenever you are inclined to define a situation as a problem or challenge, stop and substitute the word project or opportunity. Like Leah, Nicole started having depressive episodes, took up drinking and smoking, and became extremely noncompliant. Now her parents don't know where to turn and are at their wits' end. Although they present very differently in terms of temperament and behavior, many of these children shared several characteristics common to Asperger's syndrome. Despite their high level of intelligence, they could not comprehend the rules governing joint or two-way communication. Several began to exhibit symptoms of bipolar disorder during this time, and all became socially isolated from their peer groups because of their developmental problems. AGES TWELVE THROUGH SEVENTEEN This developmental stage is one of the saddest and most difficult when examining children who have Asperger's syndrome and ADHD. During this critical stage, these children move through adolescence into young adulthood without the social and communication abilities that their peers possess. Consequently, they grow more isolated even though they crave more social interactions. As children mature they naturally reach out to peers and turn away from their families. Are they narrowing their eyes with anger? Not everyone is going to say directly, Well, that's rude, but their body language will say it for them, and you need to read those signs. To give a personal example, the following conversation will make most Asians living outside of Asia extricate themselves from the interaction as soon as possible and scorch the earth behind them.

NO-NUNCHI: Where are you from? DIASPORIC ASIAN: I'm from [Auckland/Birmingham/Paris/other cities in predominantly non-Asian nations] NO-NUNCHI: No, but where are you really from? Like, your parents, what country are they from? If you ask this sort of question, what are you thinking? Basically, the no-nunchi person has a set of correct answers in mind (China, Japan, Korea, etc) and if you don't name one of those, you get the red buzzer as far as they are concerned. I am astonished at the number of times I've had to explain why this line of questioning is bad; These descriptions are closer to the truth, and they will provide you with a perspective from which to find solutions rather than reinforce the problem. A God of Only Love If we perceive difficulties as punishments from God, we keep our problems big and ourselves small. This archaic, superstitious, and self-defeating notion must be rejected without compromise if we are to live in the dignity we seek and deserve. God does not punish; God loves and forgives. The concept of punishment is a human invention, manufactured by a mind clouded by guilt. The French philosopher Rousseau quipped that God created us in His image and likeness, and we returned the compliment. The God of Love, who lives far beyond our warped projections, would never hurt any of His children. The real you could never be hurt, and you cannot be deserving of that which you are incapable of being. Sexuality, independence, special interests--all of these come to the forefront of a child's life during these developmental years. Adolescents strive to become independent from their parents, and they turn to their peer group for direction and validation. However, if a child is rejected by the peer groups or must change like a chameleon to function within the social setting, then the child develops an unclear perception of himself or herself in relation to others.

One type of child will perceive that he is socially undesirable and so fixates upon special interests or pursuits to compensate. Shaun, for example, turned to running as his shelter from peer rejection. However, his pursuit of the activity was far from normal; He could cite times of all world-class runners as well as the times of his competitors and his running mates. He would train well beyond regular training times. He would run when everyone else was socializing. In other words, he would isolate within his activity. Accept the answer you are given and move on with no further questions. But I was just interested! Your inquisitiveness does not overrule the other party's right to answer, or not answer, your questions as they see fit. See also, When are you planning on getting married/having children/losing that baby weight? Don't forget Nunchi Rule #4: Never pass up a good opportunity to shut up. QUICK QUIZ: FINDING THE DECISION-MAKER You are an account executive for a company that sells ergonomic, vegan, cruelty-free espresso machines. When you're already home from work one evening, your boss calls to tell you that you'd better rush to some cocktail event in town, because it's being hosted by the world's second-biggest cruelty-free coffee-shop chain. The bad news: you've already missed some of the event, and by the time you get there, there will be less than half an hour remaining. How do you maximize your time once you arrive? Karma is the concept generally used to rationalize suffering. Instead of blaming God for our current difficulty, we ascribe its cause to our past misdeeds, which occurred in a former life. But our previous life, whether in this lifetime or another, is ours only as we hold onto it.

Our past is not part of the present, and bears no relationship to who we are now - unless we carry it with us in our thoughts. I am not the same person I was last lifetime, last year, or last week. I am not the same person I was when I began to write this sentence. You cannot step in the same river twice. I am not limited by what I have done. I can be limited only by my thoughts. All limitation is self-imposed, and the concept of karma is no exception. Another type of child will strive so aggressively to fit in that he adopts different identities and overestimates his popularity. Hence, this child is actually more at risk because he is blind to his own social deficits. My son Ben, who is very active in our church youth group and is well favored, blindly believes everyone likes him. He has two reasons for this: (a) because they are Christians (and in black-and-white thinking this means loving your neighbor), and (b) because he perceives that he is central to the youth group, which equates to popularity. Sadly, adolescents like Ben tend to become the victims of cruel teasing, gossip, and rejection. One young man, Steve, was tormented incessantly in school. The other students would hide his gym clothes, call him names, and cruelly imitate his awkward mannerisms. In response, Steve withdrew. These types of children usually become so angry as to rage at the world or so isolated and depressed as to harm themselves. One particular tendency of adolescents with Asperger's syndrome and ADHD that also affects social popularity is poor hygiene. Give your printed sales materials to everyone you see. Approach the oldest, whitest, baldest man. Approach the best-dressed person.