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Val thought for a moment, then responded, Three things: relationship, relationship, relationship. GETTING STARTED In the last article we discussed the problem of the Phantom Mom and the needs that may not have been met by this kind of mother. In this article we provide the steps to getting those needs met and repairing what was broken in your own mothering process. FRUIT PROBLEMS VS. Good enough is good enough How many times have you kept your mouth shut when there was something you really wanted to say? How often have you held back from doing something for fear of failing or appearing foolish? When did you go along to get along', only to regret it later? <a href=''>Do</a> you sometimes tell yourself that you're not smart enough, strong enough or brave enough to make that change or take that chance? <a href=''>If</a> you've ever thought to yourself,If I just had the guts', you're not alone. None of us is immune to fear -- of failing, criticism, rejection or being found out' as unworthy in some way. <a href=''>Yet,</a> left unchecked, our fears can confine our lives in countless ways. <a href=''>Which</a> is why living fully is synonymous with living bravely: being willing to back yourself and take a risk, speak your truth and exit your comfort zone to go after what you truly want, change what you don't and honour yourself fully. <a href=''>PLAYING</a> SAFE AND AVOIDING RISK DOESN'T MAKE <a href=''>We'll</a> work through some exercises together to assess the network you currently have and explain what you need. <a href=''>You'll</a> discover the Nexus, which comprises your Core Four when it comes to building your network. <a href=''>Then</a> you'll take it a step further and meet the 12 key people and personalities you need to take control of your network and work towards a successful network. <a href=';id=2;url='>You'll</a> see that the choices you make regarding the people you spend time with determine the quality of conversations you have, the insights you have access to, the calibre of the decisions you make, and the attributes, mindset and behaviours you will portray. <a href=''>There</a> are four key stages to building a small, smart and strategic network: <br /><br /><a href=''>What</a> sort of network do you have now? <a href=''>Do</a> you even have a network? <a href=''>We'll</a> assess your current situation in article 4. <a href=''>Who</a> are your Core Four? <a href=''>Who</a> are the four key individuals you must have in your network? <a href=''>Think</a> about all the things you could do . <a href=''>In</a> 2004 I wrote a article titled Living Your Passion. <a href=''>A</a> thousand people attended the conference where I launched the article and I set them a challenge: write down 100 goals in seven days and email the list to me, and I would send them my article for free. <a href=''>Two</a> hundred and forty-two people sent me their list. <a href=''>Just</a> recently I was in Perth, Western Australia, to deliver a presentation. <a href=''>At</a> the end a man approach me and identified himself as Murray, one of the 242 people who had sent their list to me back in 2004. <a href=',42657625&_dad=portal&_schema=PORTAL&id=12879&ret='>Murray</a> told me he had achieved most of his goals, but the four he shared with me were that he had started his own optometry business, learned to play the trumpet, joined a band and travelled to France to find the grave of his great-great-uncle's father, who lost his life in the First World War. <a href=''>Murray</a> played the Last Post over his forebear's grave and had just got back from Gallipoli, where he attended the Anzac Day dawn service. <a href=''>Dreams</a> do come true, but you need to write them down. <a href=''>I</a> was so blown away by all the things Murray had achieved that I asked my office to contact the other 241 people from 2004, attaching their original list of dreams. <a href=''>Ultimately,</a> we're the sculptor and the sculpted with regard to our brains and therefore our identities. <a href=''>Actors</a> know how to use this to their advantage. <a href=''>They</a> fill themselves with the thoughts and feelings of the character they are playing and even if they, as a person, are nervous, they will overcome it by becoming the character. <a href=''>I</a> know an actor who, when you talk to him, has a terrible stammer but, on stage, he becomes Henry V: no stutter, and running England. <a href=''>Whenever</a> we pay attention to something, whole cascades of chemicals fire into action, while the neurons wire up to new partners in that neuronal dance that never stops. <br /><br /><a href=''>Luckily,</a> we come equipped with an autobiographical memory (the file we carry of all the experiences we've ever had), so it can give us pretty quick feedback on who we were yesterday and other important information such as our favourite colour, the name of our first cat, etc If you didn't have that, you'd be like the guy in the film Memento, having to look at the tattoos on your arms to figure out who you slept with the night before and whether you're male or female. <a href=''>The</a> autobiographical memory is the story of you so far. <a href=''>Before</a> any thought comes to our minds, our body has already reacted, either through the sympathetic or the parasympathetic nervous system. <a href=''>It</a> takes milliseconds for our minds to translate what any emotion or feeling might mean. <a href=''>The</a> translation happens after the feelings have been shunted to the memory files to check if you've had a similar feeling in the past, whether it was dangerous, and what you did. <a href=''>First</a> comes the new self-knowledge with which we must work; <a href=''>We</a> have learned that our True Nature is not some static line drawn upon a horizontal plane, where access to what we may become depends upon what is already known. <a href=''>The</a> truth is far from this. <a href=''>We</a> are at our core a creature of the stars: beings whose original and celestial stuff is not only born of light, but also intended to live unbound. <a href=''>It</a> is this higher, yet still Hidden Self of ours that beckons us to realize and enter into a greater life. <a href=''>And</a> though its whispered wisdom often gets lost in the din of all the other voices that tell us what we need and where to look for it, if we listen closely enough we can hear what our True Self would have us know: Whenever we start to feel small it's only because we have unconsciously identified ourselves with life's little things. <a href=''>Learning</a> to let go and to live in the Now is the same as catching ourselves holding onto what limits us and then deliberately dropping these self-imposed restrictions. <a href=''>Whenever</a> I read or spend time pondering truthful things I often feel as though nothing in the world can bring me down. <a href=''>In</a> those moments I am the conqueror of all that had overcome me only minutes before. <a href=''>Can</a> you shed some light on what helps lift me like this? <a href=''>The</a> man was forced to sell his car. <a href=''>I</a> was going to do the same thing now, although I would act as both victim and judge. <a href=''>I</a> logged on to my bank account and went through every single expenditure since the start of the year, organizing them according to the same categories used in The Luxury Trap: housing, food, transport, clothes, mortgage, and other costs. <a href=''>As</a> I had suspected, the majority of my money was going to food, wine, and restaurants. <a href=''>Transportation</a> costs were low, because we had no car, and housing costs and mortgage were relatively low, too. <br /><br /><a href=''>My</a> budget for clothes was close to zero. <a href=''>I</a> then moved on to calculate what this project had cost me. <a href=''>I</a> had tried not to think about it, because it made my heart race, but I sat down and added it all up. <a href=',yandex,mailru,vkontakte,odnoklassniki,facebook,loginza,twitter,linkedin,livejournal,myopenid,webmoney,rambler,flickr,lastfm,mailruapi,steam,aol&task=auth'>TOTAL:</a> $8,200 <a href=''>COURSES</a> ($5,600) <a href=''>This</a> is the unifying theme I'll develop throughout this article. <a href=''>Together,</a> these components create an elegant portrait of your emotional self, revealing breakthroughs about how you operate that will lead to freedom. <a href=''>To</a> omit even one impairs your inner vision; <a href=''>Without</a> a healthy respect for them all, your effort to master emotions will be thwarted--an unacceptable limitation if you want to be free. <a href=''>By</a> paying attention to each component, you'll become adept at transforming negative to positive, achieving a true integration of your powers. <a href=''>You'll</a> taste the freedom of conquering the bad boys of fear and their relations, a natural high to look forward to. <a href=''>I'll</a> describe how to parlay basic information about each component into simple daily actions that will propel you forward. <a href=''>SECRET</a> 1: REPROGRAM THE BIOLOGY OF YOUR EMOTIONS <a href=''>To</a> know thyself, you must know some basics of your biology. <a href=''>Outrageously,</a> most people remain uninformed. <a href=''>There</a> is no word to describe them other than cages. <a href=''>Inside</a> each one, men sit or lie on benches. <a href=''>Many</a> appear to be in their twenties or thirties, but some look younger. <a href=''>Several</a> are at least sixty, two of whom are lying down on the holding areas' wooden benches. <a href=''>Two</a> or three men grip rolls of toilet paper. <br /><br /><a href=''>They</a> use the toilet paper to wipe their dripping sweat and catch the contents of their stomachs as they vomit and retch. <a href=''>There</a> are forty-four new detainees here today, half of a typical day's census, I learn. <a href=''>Even</a> with the unusually low numbers, the cages are teeming with men. <a href=''>Not</a> one of them is white. <a href=''>We're</a> headed over there, Montgomery says, pointing across the room to a series of counters where her team of mental-health workers call up the arrested men one by one to talk with them in an abbreviated screening process. <a href=''>ROOT</a> PROBLEMS <a href=''>The</a> first step in the process of getting well from mothering problems is to recognize that the symptom isn't the problem. <a href=''>The</a> alarm bells we described in the last article--relational, functional, spiritual, and emotional problems--signal that something is wrong and that life isn't working out for you. <a href=''>You</a> may have discovered, for example, that you are depressed or that you're struggling more than normal in your relationships or work. <a href=''>You</a> assume that the pain and grief caused by these symptoms is the real problem. <a href=''>And</a> so you address the symptom--you take more vacation time, work out more, change friends, and switch jobs in an attempt to alleviate your suffering. <a href=''>While</a> these changes may be good and help for a time, if you have a real character injury inside, they may also only temporarily anesthetize your pain. <a href=''>For</a> some of us, a good rule of thumb is this: If a week of R and R fails to solve it, it's more than atired' problem! You may also be tempted to get professional counseling for the symptom. You want a therapist to affirm you and help you adjust your perception of life so that you can feel good again. US MORE SECURE, IT MAKES US LESS SO. The truth is that living bravely is not easy. If it were, we all would be! There's no magic formula or pain-free, 10-step plan to permanently liberate yourself from fear. The only way to be brave is to act bravely -- day in, day out -- when times are easy and life feels good and when times are tough and it doesn't.