This shame fed his discouragement and demoralization and they fed the shame, in a vicious cycle. The sense of shame fed his sneakiness and his evasions, and motivated his hiding the truth from himself as well as from others. Shame is not technically a part of ADD itself, but usually comes along with it. It is an almost inevitable consequence of having ADD, as we build up experience after experience of failing and as we repetitively frustrate those around us who then give us negative reactions. Maybe there's something to learn from every criticism. Be willing to listen, decide if there's any truth in the criticism and act accordingly. Forgiveness means letting go of the resentment, frustration or anger that you feel as a result of someone else's actions. If you forgive someone, you don't change the past, you change the future. Hanging on to guilt serves no purpose. Accept you did something wrong, but move on. What can you do or are you prepared to do to make up for your actions? Regret arises from thinking and feeling that at some point in the past, you made a wrong' decision and that you have lost out. <a href=''>Acknowledge</a> what did or didn't happen, accept that you can't change it and instead turn your thoughts to how to do things differently from now on. <a href=''>Thanking</a> the other person can end the discussion on a positive note and help the other person feel heard. <a href=''>If</a> the feedback was kindly stated, let them know what worked for you; for example, "Thanks for letting me know. <a href=''>I</a> appreciate you explaining your concerns so clearly." If the feedback was not well stated, consider pointing this out and suggesting an alternative; for example, "Thanks for letting me know. <a href=''>I</a> usually do best if you can be clear and specific about the problem." It's OK to ask for time to think about the feedback and how to respond. <a href=''>For</a> example, you could say: "Thanks for telling me this. <a href=''>I'd</a> like to talk it over tomorrow once I've had a chance to process it." I felt really hurt when the person I was dating said I was inconsiderate. <a href=''>I</a> took some deep breaths, spoke calmly, and asked for examples. <br /><br /><a href=''>It</a> turned out that she was upset that I had cancelled our last two dates. <a href=''>I</a> agreed that it feels bad to get cancelled on. <a href=''>I</a> explained that I had been sad to cancel but I was overwhelmed with a pain flare-up on top of having a lot of medical appointments. <a href=''>It</a> wasn't an easy talk, but I think we understand each other better now. <a href=''>Have</a> you ever been afraid of failing at something and so decided not to try it at all? <a href=''>Not</a> sure? <a href=''>Maybe</a> then, at one time or another, you've subconsciously sabotaged an opportunity or an event in order to avoid failing at it. <a href=''>Whether</a> or not you're aware that you have a fear of failure, if you do, it's probably because you think you won't be able to cope with the disappointment, embarrassment and shame that can come with failing at something. <a href=''>Do</a> you feel unworthy and believe that each time you make a mistake, it's one more validation of how worthless you are? <a href=''>Do</a> you strive to be perfect in the hopes that perfection will make you seem as good as everyone else? <a href=''>Do</a> you live in fear that others will find out how secretly disorganized, late, careless or stupid you really are? <a href=''>Has</a> your pattern of avoidance dealing with situations after you've messed up led to lost money, jobs, opportunities and relationships? <a href=''>If</a> you've answeredyes' to at least two of these questions, then SHAME is a dominant factor in your life. You may not even be consciously aware of how strongly your feelings of inadequacy influence your behavior. You might find some last-minute commitment or a minor physical problem - a headache or stomach ache - which you use as an excuse not to attempt something. Or if you do attempt it, in order to lessen your disappointment and avoid embarrassment if you fail, you might tell yourself - and other people - that you're unlikely to do well; that you don't expect to succeed. Although this can then increase the likelihood that you will fail (your negative thinking creates a self-fulfilling prophecy), your need to avoid failing at something is greater than your desire to succeed at it. Just think about it. When was the last time you stopped just for a moment to breathe or take a time-out to care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually by just doing nothing except being quiet and living in the moment? In today's fast-paced world, it is so easy to get caught up with your long to-do list and family, health, financial, career, and other pressing obligations.

And technology keeps us connected 24/7, to the extent that we don't even unplug when on vacation or sleeping. In fact, shame is such a powerful negative influence on people with ADD / ADHD that it often leads to more difficulties than ADD itself! Although deep-seated shame is not a simple problem, you can learn to break the hold that shame has over your BEHAVIOR. I didn't take this course but it doesn't sound woo woo (a Santa Fe term referring to therapies or concepts out of the mainstream and not supported by research. This ADD course sounds good and this lady knows what she's talking about. I've never had an ADD coach and neither have my ADD buddies, Daffy and Tom, but it's a good idea. I do a lot of coaching for my ADD patients during their therapy, but it's difficult to do both therapy and coaching in the limited time we have. Because of this, we frequently forget to stop and reflect on our own mental and spiritual well-being. As a nation, we have become far too busy or technology-obsessed to take the time to recognize the importance of nourishing, rebuilding, and connecting our mind, body, and spirit. Researchers continue to examine how meditation can help treat high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, pain, and psychological disorders. Like the blood type diet and body typing exercises, more research is needed into the area of meditation. However, people who use this technique throughout the world report an improved attitude toward life and reduction of issues like stress, anxiety, and depression. Meditation also is being used to help people quit smoking as well as other addictive behaviors. Having a fear of failure (atychiphobia) can, though, mean that you miss out in life. You might, for example, decline the opportunity to give a presentation at work in case you do badly and people think you're not up to the job. Or you might cancel going out on a date in case it's a disaster. But ducking out of the presentation because you fear that you'll fail could mean that you don't get offered any other interesting, career-enhancing opportunities in future. And pulling out of a date might mean you miss out on a good evening and a long-term relationship. So if you have the time and money, finding both a good therapist and a good ADD coach could be a smart thing to do. The coach can do the teaching about ADD, help you develop your own strategies, and give encouragement and support as you apply them.

Meeting regularly with a coach can help you stick with what you're trying to accomplish. The therapist can help you deal with the shame, among other problems. Mr. D, a patient, is competent, accomplished and extremely bright. He might not recognize himself in what I just said, but he will soon. Mr. D talks about always seeing his father thinking of him as a xxxx xx (expletive deleted). He now sees how he began to think of himself as a xxxx xx. He talks about "self loathing." When we started working together he spent much of the time in self criticism; actually, in self berating. I told him that he was damaging himself and wondered if he could begin to let up on himself. He was reluctant to let go of that self-flagellation. He feared that without it he would lapse into laziness and sloppiness and would truly become as his father saw him. This was obviously his self-image, the way he saw his true self. Further, he feared that he might start thinking he was doing OK and then be humiliated when his flaws were exposed, thus repeating a frequent childhood occurrence. Again, shame. Gradually he has been able to let up on beating himself up, and he's been surprised to find that he actually functions better without it. Demoralization is a pretty handicapping condition. I, too, can remember reading disgust, disappointment and disapproval in my father's eyes. I can't read minds, and my father wasn't saying much, but I believe that he was feeling and thinking what I thought he was feeling and thinking. Like Mr.

D, I began to incorporate, take into myself as a part of myself, my father's view of me. Our early identity, our view of ourselves, is formed by what we perceive as our parents' views of us. These identities are not easily changed. And we tend to live up to (or down to) the way we are seen and what is expected of us. Problem: "It's so hard to say no!"It takes practice to learn to set limits. "No" is a small word that can be very hard to say! But if you can't say no, you are not fully in control of your life. The truth is that no one can do everything; setting limits is the key to healthy relationships and respecting your own well-being. Tell the person that you will get back to them with your decision. That way, you can think it over without any pressure. Avoid saying "sorry". It may feel rude not to say "sorry," but you have the right to say no to certain requests without having to apologize for it. If you honestly want to say "sorry," say it only once. Avoid excuses. Making excuses such as "I can't come because I'm too tired" opens the opportunity for the other person to challenge your reason for saying no. Keep it simple by stating your position without a long or insincere explanation. For example, you could say: "I can't come tonight, but thank you for the invitation." If you are often reluctant to attempt challenges and try new things, or you only ever get involved with activities and experiences that you know you'll succeed at, you may have a fear of failure. This can change! You can change the way you think and redefine the meaning of failure.