Date Tags help

Dealing with disagreements when they arise provides everyone with the opportunity to convey their needs and for expectations to be renegotiated with clarity and compassion and a shared willingness to listen and to hear, not just awaiting a turn to speak. He would say things like, Why don't you kids get the hell outta here already. Go outside, go play in traffic will ya, you god damn pain in the asses. It sticks with me like gum to the bottom of a shoe on a hot day. He didn't have money for rent, but managed to buy a gallon of ice cream. There were never many snacks in our house, so opening the freezer to find ice cream was more than a delightful, unexpected surprise. Corporations and organizations saw the potential and the threat of not looking into the future. You also can't downplay the fall of the Soviet Union and the Berlin Wall, Greg added with a nod. Up until then most people thought that at some point in the future there would be an end to the Cold War stalemate . But when the wall came down suddenly there wasn't just one future, there were a bunch of possible futures. We finished our martinis, and the happy hour business crowd started to thin out, replaced by couples and tourists getting ready for a night at a Broadway show. I motioned for the bill and asked, Last question . When we point the finger elsewhere and lay blame at someone else's door, we're disempowering ourselves; It's how we get stuck in a rut--by dancing to someone else's tune and growing bored with it. We're not puppets on a string, here to live a life that someone else has visualized and created; Bending and swaying to the demands and expectations of other people is a surefire way to lose our way. Important cognitive skills like logic and reasoning atrophy from lack of use. The reverse is also true: When someone repeatedly points the finger of blame in our direction, they're not taking responsibility for their behavior, choices, and thoughts. We don't (or shouldn't) have control over their behavior because healthy boundaries create a space between their identity and ours--where we begin and end, and where they begin and end. Taking responsibility for our actions and choices and the subsequent consequences means that we don't lay any of that on someone else.

The same can be said for taking on other people's responsibilities: in doing so, we're infringing on their boundaries. I remember scooping out some ice cream and putting it into a bowl to eat while I watched television. As I sat to watch TV, my uncle looked at me and said, Who said you could have ice cream? My stomach flipped, and rage built up in me like a suddenly awakened volcano. I wanted to spit the ice cream into his pathetic face. My parents were forever trying to get him out of trouble. He has been married for a total of five times, and had a child with a woman he did not marry. You'll know that answer as much as I would, but I'll tell you what I'd like the future of futurism to be. Ultimately, I think futurism shouldn't be just for governments, militaries, and large corporations. It should be a way for communities and groups to come together and envision a tomorrow that they want to live in. I think it should be for people, average people, so that they can build their future. Even if by doing so it totally seems to serve them, it won't in the long term. Boundaries help us to take care of ourselves, but they also encourage and enable other people to learn to take care of themselves. The solutions to other people's problems always seem so darned obvious because we can look at them with less emotion. You see, emotional reactions aren't always rational ones. When we derive our happiness from how happy or unhappy the people around us are, we're naturally going to switch to fixing mode so that we can feel happy again, and boy, do we like to feel helpful. The trouble with that is that we're taking on a burden when it's not our place to do so. It's an almighty infringement of boundaries--we might have the best of intentions, but unless we've been asked for help, lending a hand isn't always helpful or kind, even when it feels helpful and kind. Whether it's unsolicited advice, lending money that we'll never ask for back, or taking ownership of all the solution-based thinking, it is doing ourselves and the other person a disservice--even though it doesn't feel that way. Over the years I wondered about my little cousin Jason, and my Aunt Catherine.

I wondered how they were doing, and why it was we met them only a handful of times. And Alexandra, the pretty young girl he started bringing around when I was about eighteen, and their baby Audrey, they too eventually became ghosts. On one cold night, I can recall my mother being very nervous. She received a phone call from a man who did not give her his name. She was told to go collect her brother from the sidewalk around the corner. My father scurried to the spot where they had been instructed to find my uncle. He had been beaten so badly that his face was unrecognizable. He was taken to the hospital, where he eventually recovered. I reached out, shook his hand, and slapped him on the shoulder. As I've been saying throughout this article, the future is local. Rox had to move to a place where the future she wanted could be found. If you want to be a lumberjack, you move to the forest. But that doesn't mean everyone has to relocate to achieve their future. We're forgetting that space between ourselves and other people. We're ignoring the self-work that needs to be done by them and by us. Our happiness is our responsibility, and only ours. In tying our reactions, attitude, and happiness to that of another, we're doing away with boundaries. Admittedly, it does feel great to be of help, to iron out wrinkles and crinkles for another. However, what has worked for us may not work for someone else; Life is full of twists and turns, hurdles and obstacles, and that will never change.

When we do our best to pave the way and lay out a metaphorical plush red carpet for someone, we're doing the donkey work--we're drawing on our experiences and carving a path that we've deemed to be the right one. All of this denies them the opportunity to experience the change-prompting pain that comes from getting so fed up with the chaos, the drama, and the discomfort. I, however, was growing tired of the chaos he consistently brought into our home. And I was growing even more frustrated with feeling like I needed to shrink more and more, because of the issues he forced my parents to focus on. On my walk to school one morning, a car with two burly men slowed down beside me. The passenger rolled down his car window and stared at me for a while, which made me feel uneasy. Flashing them an angry look, I tried not to look as frightened as I was. I pretended not to hear him, and stared straight ahead as I began to walk more quickly, pressing on in anticipation of coming to the intersection at the corner. My heart beating fast, I understood immediately that these were bad men, and that now these bad men knew who I was because of my godfather. I wanted to explode, but I knew no one would hear me. Sometimes you can find it in the town where you live. To demonstrate this, I'll tell you about one of the more uncomfortable experiences I've had in my career as a futurist. We're now going to talk about the future of love and relationships and finding your future mate. I've told you how often my phone buzzes with random texts from the past. This was from Ruth, a banker I'd worked with from time to time when I was looking at the future of money and emerging financial technologies. Only when others reach the pain point where the only conceivable action is for them to find a solution--to try on a solution for size and accept or deny it, and repeat that over and over and bear the consequences, and then to experience their own victory--can they gain the confidence and resilience that are transferable to every area of their lives. Being the white knight over and over again breeds a sense of helplessness in others and a dependency that can later on, down the line, cause disdain and resentment. Let people grow at the rate, and in the ways, that are right for them. And of course, this also means that we need to recognize when we defer to the fixers in our lives instead of looking to ourselves to discover a resolution in the first instance: the times we hope people will fight our battles for us, or perhaps on social media when we bolster a pack mentality against someone who has caused us upset. Relying on others to meet our emotional needs or to fix us is a violation of everyone's boundaries.

When we experience change, we can feel the internal resistance to it. Even if the change is fresh and exciting, we tend to return to baseline behaviors when we're up against it--when busy, fatigued, stressed. I never told my mother or father about the bad men that followed me that day. I didn't think they'd believe me anyway, and I didn't want my Uncle John to call me a liar. I didn't like how my mother let him get away with pushing me around. My mother would often refer to the missing bond between us as a personality conflict. As a child, I never quite understood what that was supposed to mean. But in my heart, I believed my mom and her brother both felt the same way about me. I enjoyed drawing when I was a little girl, and so did my father. My dad would take the time to draw with me when Mom wasn't around. When she went food shopping or out to a department store to buy curtains or bedspreads, Dad would sit me on his knee and draw with me. I also knew it was a particularly nasty split, which unfortunately does happen to good people. There was a son in college, various properties and assets, plus a whole lot of animosity. Among mutual acquaintances, Ruth's breakup was the kind of subject people didn't like to talk about. The divorce had dragged on for a long, long time, and whenever anyone brought it up, the news was bad, unfortunate, and, most of all, deeply unsettling. Eventually I started to hear that Ruth was finally on the back side of the whole thing. She'd found an apartment in Orlando, new work, and was starting to get her feet under her again. It just so happened I was going to be in Orlando speaking at a conference. For many of us, it can evoke a fear of the unknown and also draws on additional cognitive function: It feels as though we're going against our nature, and to some intents and purposes, we are. We're going against internal and external conditioning that will naturally take some time and patience to undo and redo.