Key Takeaway: Iris learned the importance of not bad-mouthing her kids' father. She reminded herself not to burden her daughters with the details of what had happened. She let them know it was his choice to leave but didn't talk about the other woman or how upset she was. Suzanne took her son to one of their favorite spots by the beach to tell him about the changes that were about to rock his six-year-old world. Her husband wanted to have his own talk with him about the separation. It was late August, and school would be starting soon. She and her son rode their bikes to the point on the New Jersey shore where Shark River forms a bay before it empties into the Atlantic Ocean. They stared out, fascinated as always by the old-fashioned bridge joining Avon-by-the-Sea and the neighboring town as it opened for tall boats. They loved to see the man in the tower descend when a large boat approached. The myth of the ideal woman and the worthiness wound [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://www. Fixing women: devaluation, idealization, and the female fetish. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association. Moving Narcissus: Can Narcissists Be Empathic? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. See also Giacomin, M. Down-regulating narcissistic tendencies: communal focus reduces state narcissism. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The role of couple therapy in the treatment of narcissistic personality disorder. Criticisms, insults, rejections, mockery - these external events create a rush of the stress hormone, cortisol, which assaults our sense of self-worth, especially if done publicly.

This interferes with our goal of being liked and accepted. Nice things, such as receiving praise, also produce a neurological reaction, the warm glow of oxytocin which conjures pleasure and pride. But chemically, these hormones aren't equal. Oxytocin (the nice warm glowing stuff) is removed from your bloodstream in about five minutes whereas cortisol (the jagged, edgy chemical) can linger for a couple of hours. It means the good feelings get washed away while painful ones linger. How unfair is that? We've all got baggage. Anyone who reaches the ripe old age of 30 has endured enough personal disasters, relationship faux pas, and embarrassing moments to ruin the rest of your life. If you let them. Autopsies revealed thick fetid pus suffocating the ovaries, uterus, and abdomen. New mothers rotted away. Before bacteria were discovered in the late 1800s, doctors were utterly baffled. How could healthy women die so suddenly? It was as if the birth itself consumed them. Not everyone who spiked a fever after delivery died. But there was no way to know who was going to catch the illness, who would survive, and who would go from delivery room to morgue. There was no known cause or cure but a bizarre assortment of theories. In 1836, a doctor writing in The Lancet, a British medical journal, blamed rotten breast milk that leaked downward rather than out the nipples, because he said dead mothers smelled like rotten milk. Others blamed constipation, anxiety, or wafts of cold air gushing into the open cervix. He would close the bridge to cars by pushing a big gate shut;

Then he'd pull a lever to open the bridge, allowing boats to float through to the other side. Seeing a toddler sitting on the backseat of a bicycle that her mom rode over the bridge reminded Suzanne of how her own mother used to ride her around on the back of her bicycle. Feeling a mixture of regret and determination, Suzanne told herself that as much as she had wanted her marriage to last a lifetime, she had to accept that this wasn't the way it worked out. She noticed the seagulls, the surfers, and the lifeguards. Suzanne knew she couldn't put the talk off any longer. Sometimes people who love each other grow apart and can't agree on things no matter how much they want to or how hard they try, so they decide to live in separate homes, she began. Her son stared at her, saying nothing. That's what's happened for Daddy and me. He's going to stay in the house, and I'm going to move into an apartment. American Journal of Psychotherapy. Gottman, J. What predicts change in marital interaction over time? A study of alternative models. Family Process. The Danger of Manipulative Love-Bombing in a Relationship. Psychology Today [Blog entry]. Retrieved from https://www. Brooker (Creator/Producer). Black Mirror. My childhood was generally pretty good but I'm getting flashbacks to the child abuse I suffered when I was a choir boy in the Catholic Church.

And that's odd because I wasn't a choir boy, I never actually went to church, and I certainly wasn't touched. My naughty little gibe is designed to make a wider point about being saturated in societal suffering. Eckhart Tolle2 calls it the `pain-body', your resident well of sorrow that can be triggered at any time. Tolle's point is that the pain-body is not just individual in nature. It runs through societies and through history, passed down via tribal stories. Human history is a big article of tribal warfare, enslavement, pillage, rape, torture, suppression, violence, famine, and injustice. This pain still lives in the collective psyche of humanity and is being added to on a daily basis, as you can verify when you watch the news tonight or look at the drama in people's relationships. We're at a point in history where governments are paying compensation for historical wrongdoing, where the descendants of the done-tos are suffering even though they weren't the ones wrongly done to. History has hitch-hiked into the present via stories, rituals, and culture. Women were given laxatives and emetics to drain toxins; Some women survived despite the remedies. Survival was taken as a sign that the treatment worked. In 1873, a 27-year-old woman with fever tried every known remedy and then some. The experts gave her laxatives, emetics, quinine, and douches. They starved her--and apparently intoxicated her--by limiting her intake to water, tea, broth, and whiskey. She was not allowed to move, which made her ankles swell. She developed blood clots. Her doctors reported her successful battle against childbed fever in a medical journal. One of the weirdest treatments was fresh-air therapy, a notion borrowed from tuberculosis sanitariums. You're going to live part of the week with each of us.

Suzanne paused and looked in her son's eyes. He wasn't reacting. Was this registering at all? You're the most important part of our lives, and we're going to take care of you. But Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be married anymore. Her son finally spoke. Can we go in the water now? A few days later, Suzanne's son asked whether she and his dad still loved each other. She assured her son that they did. UK: Netflix. Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding. USA 109, 8038-8043 (2012). See also Meshi, D, Mamerow, L, Kirilina, E. Morawetz, C. Sharing self-related information is associated with intrinsic functional connectivity of cortical midline brain regions. Scientific Reports, 6(Article number 22491). Retrieved from https://www. Human conversational behavior. Human Nature. As a Brit, I'm thinking of sticking in a claim against those bastard Vikings.