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In some cases, for example, the core has a whole separate house of her own, not just a study in the main house. If a patient already has a safe place, I often suggest that she lift it into the new Safe Place. One patient created a whole amusement park in the back of her Safe Place. Some of my patients have healing pools that are deep enough to swim in, but others may want one only a few inches deep. One patient with a fear of drowning doesn't have water in her pool at all; instead, it has many-colored swirls of sparkling energy. Another patient has parts who are triggered by drinking water. They drink magic sparkling cider instead. On rare occasions, a patient may find the image of a mountain meadow unacceptable as a safe place. In such a case, it's permissible to find another, more suitable image. Two that have worked in the past are an island far out in the ocean and a Southwestern mesa with very tall, steep sides. Even when the setting is changed, however, all of the other elements and the basic rules of the Safe Place should remain the same. The main thing to listen for when any change is proposed is that the change is being made in a positive, healthy direction-it is not being made by the critical voice to sabotage the Safe Place by incorporating trauma triggers. If the core hasn't ratified the construction of the Safe Place, or if she subconsciously allows it, the critical voice can sneak in. It's important, therefore, to talk about the reasons for wanting the change. For example, the reason that the house has no attic or basement, or even a second floor, is that those areas are often associated with abuse. Even color may be highly significant. One patient remembered being abused in a room with green walls, so there's no green anywhere in the house in her Safe Place. Ensure your salad contains a protein source such as poached chicken, tuna, egg or beef. Proteins help your body regulate blood glucose, which will help to maintain your concentration levels well beyond 3.30-itis. Another healthy protein is legumes (chickpeas, lentils and beans).

These plant-based proteins are lower in kilojoules, higher in fibre and still provide the essential protein and nutrients our bodies need. Share large portions with a friend. Or eat half now, half later. Infidelity is an act of betrayal which can shatter even the strongest relationship. The boundaries of a relationship have been violated, trust has been abused, and secrets and lies only add to the disrespect shown to the one who has been cheated on. The offending partner has inflicted hurt with no consideration of their partner's feelings and broken the bond of safety and security. If there are children involved, then it may feel like the partner has betrayed them too. If you've experienced this, then you may also carry a new fear that life as you knew it is over. It's possible that your imagination may run wild, tormenting yourself with what your partner did during their affair, and how you rate yourself in comparison. It's not hard to be filled with a mix of anger, embarrassment, humiliation, guilt and rage at this time. Worse still is the hit to self-worth. We may feel like we're drowning under the weight of emotions. We may find it hard to get out of bed, eat or fulfil our everyday responsibilities. The betrayal weighs on the back of our mind - we were replaced. It's easy to catastrophise infidelity, but it's a fact that most relationships don't survive it. For some people, infidelity is a deal-breaker. A betrayal is not something that all relationships survive, and it's not something that people come through unchanged. Those who've experienced the betrayal of infidelity may feel like they've become different people. The ability to trust is taken away. Turning inward to take care of your self-worth is vital in a time of betrayal.

This is when you need to nurture yourself and give vent to your feelings. Holding onto what makes you feel angry or ashamed or even guilty will only lead to frustration. Talking to someone through this time is important, as is taking time out for yourself. With the main elements installed, you may want to draw or diagram your Safe Place. You may also want to give a copy of the drawing to your therapist, if you have one. This will help the therapist visualize it as you see it and help both of you keep track of any changes that are made over time. With the Safe Place in place, you can begin to invite parts to come in. As a singleton-i.e., someone who doesn't have DID-you might simply visualize yourself as you were at different ages, perhaps with the help of photographs, and invite those younger "selves" into the Safe Place. A part who has been invited into the Safe Place can leave and re-enter at will. On the other hand, remember that you critical voice isn't allowed into the Safe Place at all unless it promises not to hurt you or any other part. In other words, it can continue to help protect you, but in order to do that from inside the Safe Place, it must significantly change how it goes about its work. It's important that you send a directive inside stating this rule. The parts of you that hold trauma memories need more than a simple invitation to enter the Safe Place. It's tremendously important to begin getting them into the Safe Place as soon as possible, but it has to be done in such a way that their traumas are contained. It would undermine the central purpose to have these parts running around loose, even in the Safe Place, with all of their memories and feelings still susceptible to being triggered at any moment. There are additional tools that will help you get these parts safely into the Safe Place, contain their traumas, and more. Two such tools, the angel box and the healing room, were described in article 8, and several more are presented below. Once you have the central elements of the Safe Place installed, the possible elaborations are limited only by your imagination and that of your therapist. Get in the habit of doing things from beginning to end; move things through the system from start to finish. Resolve to stop doing things halfway.

Stop thinking about doing it. Like the Nike commercial says: Just do it! It's bad enough when we waste time, but it's even worse when someone wastes it for us. For example, people always tell me how lucky I am to have the opportunity to be on television. "Wow, it must be nice to be such a celebrity!" they say. I was scheduled to appear on a national television show on June 26, 2006, to be interviewed live about my newest article, Find More Time. I give up a weekend with my family and make the long trek from Denver to New York City on Sunday. I arrive, fight New York City traffic for ninety minutes, check into my hotel, get something to eat alone (by the way, Sarabeth's the best tomato soup I've ever had; their preserves are fabulous too), and sit down to think about the interview. The phone rings. It's the PR rep for my publisher. "Your segment's been bumped," she says. "Huh?" I ask, intelligently. "Oh, don't worry; they're still going to tape it." I flew all the way to New York for a live interview that will now be a taped interview, which I could have done in the CBS studio twenty minutes up the road from me. I had just sent an e-mail out to my list of ten thousand subscribers to watch the show. "That's just the way television is," everyone reassured me. Maybe they need to hire me to teach them a time-management lesson. Like my television experience, you can't always do something about it when others waste your time and force you to wait. (Security lines in the airport also come to mind.) When a potential client of yours is late for a meeting, and you're waiting alone in the lobby or restaurant, you could certainly leave. But then you would waste all the time it took you to get there, you'd have to reschedule, and you'd potentially lose the business. So instead, plan ahead in the event that you'll have to wait for someone, so that you don't get agitated and can be productive.

By assuming you'll have to wait, you'll have something to do should that happen, and not end up frustrated. If you plan to show up early for your flight, you can be productive in the gate area, rather than plopping down, exhausted, in your plane seat, seconds away from missing your plane. If the cable guy is going to need a four-hour window for an appointment, what can you accomplish while waiting, rather than sitting there watching TV? Another relationship killer, self-sacrifice happens when we give up something that matters to ourselves to make someone else happy. Of course, some sacrifices can be positive.111 You might make a sacrifice to start a family or give yourself fully to a relationship, or you might choose to forego something to make your partner happy and therefore bring you closer together. This might be something like quitting alcohol, which comes with both health and behavioural positives. However, a sacrifice loses its positivity when it comes with an imbalance of power. Have you ever felt as if you've given up everything and your partner nothing? This imbalance of power can lead to a pattern of us constantly giving or being expected to give up our needs over time. Dr Madsen suggests there are times when a person has to go back and examine their relationship with themselves. Why are we giving up what matters to us? What does our partner get out of this? What do we lose? Everyone has a line in the sand where they can no longer sacrifice their needs for the sake of another. This is where we need to set new boundaries with our partner and open those lines of communication. It's possible that we need to revisit what makes our relationship healthy. Research does tend to suggest that healthy, long-term intimate partnerships provide support and life satisfaction. They can result in lower blood pressure, less stress and fewer instances of depression. Being in a healthy relationship can increase self-worth and offer resilience against life's challenges.113 Unhealthy relationships can become healthy. You don't need to go through this process alone.