Kayla was well on her way. She was building up her sense of self, and she was forming secure and positive relationships both online and off. If you fall into the anxiously or avoidantly attachment categories, don't despair. As I've said, attachment styles can be made to feel more secure through new experiences, new relationships, psychotherapy, and gaining an understanding of past relationships. C385: M-hm. You find a very satisfying kind of -- I don't know quite what word to use -- re-emphasis, or a kind of reassurance to you. S385: I suspect that, as I analyze it because I must -- there has been a drive there. The old man told me even after marriage I'd find that a difficult problem. I think he was correct. And I'm trying to analyze that drive. I would like to be one of these men that wasn't so interested in the females who are clicking down the sidewalk. I wish my marriage brought me enough satisfaction that I wouldn't have this wanderlust. So I'm trying to analyze it. What is there in me that drives me so to these mother-bosoms? Next time you feel shame for your looks, can you turn it around? Can you toss aside the drive for beauty and embrace your magnificence? It's not easy, but this is the bedrock that revolution is made of. SHAME RESILIENCE So, you get hit with a wave of shame. How do you manage it?

First, remember how normal that is. You're human. Reframe your idea of shame. Think of it as an immature friend trying to protect you by revealing how you don't fit in. Self-Love Comes from Secure Attachment Making lasting changes also means working on improving our most important relationship--the relationship we have with ourselves. As with most things psychological, a good place to start is working on cultivating self-love. Self-love is a natural by-product of secure attachments. Having self-love is not the same as being narcissistic or selfish. Instead, it means having positive regard for your own well-being and happiness. When we adopt an attitude of self-love, we have higher levels of self-esteem and we're less critical and harsh with ourselves when we make mistakes. We're able to celebrate our positive qualities and accept our negative ones. Also, a significant benefit to learning to love ourselves is that we are more likely to have fulfilling and healthy relationships. Skill-Building Strategies C386: M-hm. You feel that there must be something pretty significant that operates when you do seek more and more relationships with women? Or the maternal kind of relationship? S386: Oh, not maternal. That's the analytic interpretation, that the maternal must be there, that it is my mother image. I just throw that in because I sometimes take a whimsical attitude towards myself and these problems.

But it is one of the things I'm trying to work through, and hoping that, as I -- become more independent, which we know I am, that the dependency needs decrease. The need for acceptance, which is one of the things I've worked on hard now for a couple of years. This almost prostituting yourself to be accepted. The fear of being rejected, which -- I think Karen Horney's got something -- is related to a good deal of anxiety, that if a person remains his self, the other person won't accept him. It's helpful to shore up your skills at self-compassion. It's not easy to feel good about yourself when messages from the outside tell you that who you are isn't good enough. Heaping self-criticism on top of that makes you complicit in your own oppression. You don't have to buy into the deprecation. Developing self-compassion allows you to sit with your shame, giving you opportunity to defang it. Can you offer kindness to this human in pain? Next, build your skills at seeing your inherent worthiness, despite any contrary messages you may be getting. You are worthy of respect, love, and belonging. You are entitled to be valued and loved by others. You don't need someone else's permission or approval to love yourself and you don't need to earn it. Everyone, no matter their style of attachment, can benefit from practicing self-love. Below are a few strategies you can implement in your daily life to help you get started. Practice self-compassion. For many, it feels more natural to be compassionate toward friends and family than toward ourselves. Try eliminating critical and harsh self-talk. Imagining what you would say to a friend in the same situation should help you develop skills for positive self-talk.

Enjoy time alone. Whether it's taking a walk in the park, going out for a nice meal, or seeing a great movie, learning to enjoy your own company and doing solo activities you find fulfilling is crucial for cultivating self-love. Make a list of all the characteristics you like about yourself. Too often we get caught up with only thinking about what it is we don't like about ourselves and what we wish we could change. C387: So that you've had too much at stake, perhaps, in being accepted by others to be able to be your own real self. Is that it? S387: Definitely. Perhaps these excerpts illustrate something of the unity of the learning which occurred in this course -- a unity which is possibly characteristic of all significant learning. This trainee is learning that if he is to be a certain type of counselor, he must alter his relationship with his wife, with other people, and most deeply of all, his relationship with himself. Objective Evaluation of Learning Outcomes We are indebted to Blocksma (33) for a study of some of the outcomes of this training program. It is believed that this is the first time any attempt has been made to measure objectively the learning of therapeutic skills and attitudes. Thirty-seven personal counselors in the second and third classes were the subjects of this study. The purpose of the investigation was (1) to measure the extent to which client-centered procedures were learned, and (2) to measure the extent to which these learnings were related to later success on the job. This is your birthright. Are you ashamed of your behavior? If so, this is an opportunity, a time to reflect about how you can do better--and then make that happen. If you've harmed someone, learning how to take responsibility for it and apologize can go a long way to healing shame. The simple act of saying sorry is a great start. Yes, sometimes it's on us, but all too often, our shame belongs to the culture, not us.

Think critically about cultural messages you've received about who is acceptable and who is not. Discard the messages that indicate that you are unworthy. Reinterpret the things people are shamed for, like poverty or race or fatness or disability, to disrupt their narratives of shame, and to learn to appreciate all aspects of ourselves, including those that are stigmatized. If you think you're too fat, for example, as you come to terms with the fact that the problem is not in your body, but in a culture that stigmatizes your body, you lighten your shame about it. For most of us, recognizing and appreciating our positive qualities takes effort and practice. Set aside time to read this list daily. Celebrate your accomplishments. No matter how big or small our successes or achievements are, it's important to feel worthy of celebrating them. Celebrating them reinforces our acknowledgment and integration of our positive qualities. Give yourself permission to ask for help. We all need support when life gets challenging and we feel overwhelmed. Most of life's challenges can't be tackled alone. Allowing ourselves to seek help from trusted friends or professionals reflects self-love. Meet Joanne In attempting to measure the degree of learning, two procedures were employed as pre- and post-tests. The first was a paper and pencil test devised by Porter and Axline (148, pp. The five tendencies are: moralization, in which the counselor tends to pass some type of evaluative judgment upon the client; The second method of measuring was one devised by Blocksma. Taking a recorded first interview with one of his own clients, he shortened it by editing out some of the amplifying material, and thus produced a brief standard interview. He then took the part of this client, Robert Doakes, in a role-taking interview with each trainee, playing the role as much like the client as possible.