So Kant entreats us to exercise tolerance for others by treating them as persons and not mere objects. This means letting them decide and act for themselves. Abraham Lincoln addressed the need to exercise prudence in our attempts to control others, stating: "No man is good enough to govern another man without the other's consent." Lincoln, speaking specifically of slavery, continued, "The master not only governs the slave without his consent; but he governs him by a set of rules altogether different from those which he prescribes for himself" (Lincoln, 1854). Lincoln's prudence is edifying! You wouldn't want to be governed without your consent, so don't do the same to others. Again, notice that the virtues listed above are not meant to convince you to ignore or not be bothered by a problem. They are meant to help you respond to your challenges in a more intentional, less anxious way. To complete this step, ask yourself what qualities would help you manage this particular problematic situation less anxiously and where you have displayed those virtues when you were under pressure before (however imperfectly). If you're feeling a little stuck, think back to your whole, healed, godly, grace-filled self. Imagine that your WHGG self was just as concerned about the seriousness of the situation as you are but could approach that situation both possessing the qualities you listed in column 3 and mindful of past experiences when you displayed those qualities. What would "your best self" do? According to Anne Wilson Schaef, author of When Society Becomes an Addict, there are two types of addictions. She makes a distinction between substance addiction and process addiction. When people are addicted to artificially refined products that are consumed, they are called substance addicts. These substances include caffeine, sugar, chocolate, carbohydrates, bread, nicotine, alcohol, drugs, and food in general, and can be related to such abuses as overeating, anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism, drug addiction, chocoholism, or food addiction. They are almost always mood enhancing, and lead to increased physical dependence. On the other hand, people who get hooked on a process, a specific set of actions or interactions, are known as process addicts. Obsessions with nail-biting, shopping, gambling, sex, relationships, watching TV, daydreaming, worrying, working, exercising, making millions, and even engaging in serial self-help programs are categorized as process addictions. How do you define happiness? Have you thought about it recently?

Because what makes you happy when you're twenty is very different from what makes you happy when you're forty. It changes every decade. How do you expect to find happiness if you aren't even sure what it is? To become truly happy, you must have a clear definition of what truly brings you joy and fulfillment. Write down how you define happiness now. Who is the most joyful adult that you know? You do not have to know him or her well, but he or she needs to be a living person you are acquainted with. It could be your mother or a barista who makes coffee for you. It can be anyone. (Don't list a child; the person must be an adult.) Identify who the most joyful adult you know is, and write down a few ways in which he or she expresses joy. Barry says he's fair at getting things done for other people; it's his own personal life that seems out of control. For example, the pop-up tells him when it's time to pay the electric bill, but he ignores it, and then winds up paying a penalty. I'm not sure he has a strategy for actually paying the bills. His paper calendar works fairly well for novel, one-time appointments, but he has trouble keeping routine appointments. Barry is only fair about keeping our appointment for Monday prayer group. He intends to, but it's routine; he gets distracted, other things come up, he schedules something else in that slot, or he forgets. I don't know if he has a pop-up for the meeting. Of course, having an idea of how we'd like to handle a situation doesn't mean we'll remember to do it next time. Column 5 asks, "What support/accountability do I need to put in place to make sure I follow through with my new plan?" Some examples of support/accountability include things like the following: Notice that each of these accountability methods helps you plan the new approach before the situation actually occurs. Anyone can beat up on themselves for dropping the ball after the moment has passed.

The real challenge is finding ways to remind yourself preemptively, so that your brain is primed to respond when the problem situation presents itself. Lincoln and Kant concur: treat human beings not like property, but as rational, self-determining persons. Psychologist Carl Rogers tells us to be facilitators rather than directors. Whereas the former promotes autonomy, the latter stifles it: "You will give me a heart attack if you don't listen to me!" said that smothering mother, trying to dissuade her daughter from dating the son of divorced parents. Some control perfectionists think the end always justifies the means, but this is imprudent, because it leads to dysfunction and tends to be self-defeating. You seek to protect someone from harm but instead create hard feelings. "It's your fault I turned down that guy. I should never have listened to you! Now I'm alone, and have no one!" Like with any other elevator, it isn't enough just to have one. You have to use it regularly to get any benefit. In the same way, it should be noted that the Emotional Elevator exercise is not a "one and done" type of exercise. The point is to establish a better system of communication between your higher and lower brain that allows you to make steady progress, acknowledge successes, learn from mistakes, and make concrete plans to improve future performance. Each time you encounter a specific problem -- even if you have used this exercise with it before -- repeat the process. You can reflect on what you did better since the last time, where you still have room for improvement, what qualities and experiences could serve as a guide for that improvement, and how you will remind yourself to take these next steps. Instant gratification . All addictions produce immediate gratification. You feel better as a result of your engagement with the substance or process in which you indulge. It is enjoyable to experience the mood enhancer (at least temporarily). Simplistic thinking. You believe that the mood enhancer will make everything all right.

You believe that "it" is a panacea capable of inducing positive psychological, emotional, and physical states, as well as relieving negative ones. Distorted priorities . You become consumed and obsessed with your addiction and it becomes the most important thing in life. What was the happiest period of time in your life thus far? And what made it so? It may have been a time many years ago; it may be the period that you are in now. Identify the happiest period of time in your life so far and write down some details of why it was so happy. Who are your true friends? (And I don't mean Facebook friends.) Who could you call at three in the morning to ask for help in an emergency, and that friend would not hesitate to help you? whom would you get out of bed at three in the morning if he or she called and needed your help? spend a lot of time thinking about whom we want to go to bed with; maybe we should think a little more about whom we would get out of bed for. truest friends are those with whom we share our most precious moments as well as comfort in our darkest hours. your true friends by name. on the computer system for fewer things, so it wouldn't give me so many messages. it for variety; make the pop-ups a different color and the alarm a different sound each time. backups to the computer system, using my phone or my cards also. a habit of checking whatever tools I was using several times a day. anchors: maybe every meal time, or every bathroom visit, or every telephone call. have the to-do list of five pop up on the screen every hour on the hour and the bigger list at the end of every day, in a different color every time; have the pop-up play a different song each time instead of just an alarm. contrast, Carl Rogers (2012) would advise the mother to facilitate rather than direct change; to ask open-ended questions ("How do you feel about this new guy?") and to reflect back the daughter's responses in a manner that helps clarify her feelings.

it sounds like you're really attracted to him, but you have some anxiety about seeing him again. you like to talk about it?" Here, the goal is the daughter's autonomous decision, one less likely to end in finger pointing and resentment. This exercise takes advantage of the rule of thumb that feelings follow action. The more you practice this exercise, applying it again and again to problematic situations until you have mastered a more intentional, efficient response, the less anxious you will be the next time. Imagine that each time you use this exercise, you create more elevator banks that connect to more floors in the skyscraper that is your brain. It is going to take some time to get all the floors connected to this new system, but it will happen. Don't give up if your anxiety persists after using this exercise once or twice. Instead, note what improvements you have made -- however tiny -- since the last time, and build on each small success. Intentionality is one of the best antidotes, because anxiety comes from feeling caught off-guard, unprepared, and without a plan. If you can go into a potentially anxiety-producing situation with a plan in hand, you will feel more peaceful. Skewed perspective. Your perspective becomes distorted and inaccurate. You are unable to perceive reality accurately. You begin to see people and situations as exaggerations of what they normally would be. Overwhelming attachment . You are so dependent upon the addiction that you feel unable to function without it. A need/dependency relationship evolves between you and your addiction. need it to be happy and your well-being is contingent on having it available to you. of withdrawal. As soon as you become deprived of the substance or the process to which you are addicted, adverse consequences appear immediately.