Other boundaries you may make are ones such as: Nonnegotiable Boundaries It is also common to have what are referred to as nonnegotiable boundaries. This is a boundary involving something you must have or something you can't tolerate in order to stay in a relationship. They are relationship deal breakers. Therefore you need to be very careful in stating them. It is strongly suggested that you discuss your desires with a therapist and then when nonnegotiable boundaries are shared with your partner that discussion also occurs with the facilitation of a therapist. While you may have many boundaries and you may have many requests, for most people there are usually only two or three nonnegotiable boundaries. Another form of processing is the manufacture of refined foods. Often food we buy has gone from being whole-grain to a thin remnant of its former self. Consider oatmeal. Whole-grain oats are large and thick, at least one to two millimeters thick. When you buy instant oatmeal, the oats are only a tenth that thick. They have been shaved down so they can be cooked in 30 seconds in the microwave and are easier to eat, but all of the benefits of its fiber content are gone. Our breads are similar. Our wheat has been thinned and broken down and then made into bread. This makes the bread easier to eat, but we have lost all the benefits of the product. This is what has given bread a bad name. I was staying up late one night watching random movies. On the television came Mel Gibson's critically-unacclaimed film, What Women Want.

In the movie, there's a scene where he's deep into some wine and listening to this guy named Frank Sinatra. The song that played was I Won't Dance. I thought it was such an interesting voice, much different than any other music I'd heard so far. After the movie, I spent hours digging into his music and got obsessed with this prolific hollywood music icon I had just now discovered. From there, I wanted to learn to sing like Frank. I got better and better, but it became more obvious that singing like Frank Sintra wouldn't grant me much of a career. I'm quite certain Michael Buble will be the last great crooner. Even with my singing dreams likely killed, I still listen to jazz music to this day. Know your nonnegotiable boundaries are specific and unique to your situation. No one can or should tell you what your boundaries must be. The following are examples of nonnegotiable boundaries established by other partners: As you can see, there are time frames for two of the above nonnegotiable boundaries. All four examples are boundaries that can be renegotiated at a later time. These nonnegotiable boundaries are being set to provide greater stability when in crisis. But when it comes to nonnegotiable, ask yourself, What would absolutely without question cause me to know I can no longer stay in this relationship? Just as you have laid out your nonnegotiable points, the addict is entitled to have some boundaries, and some being nonnegotiable as well. Examples of his nonnegotiable boundaries might be: These boundaries are emotionally laden and are best worked out with a counselor. Refined products have minimal fiber and little nutritional value. We want our food to have bulk.

That bulk is good for digestion and good for increasing the density of food in our stomachs; When we first started eliminating processed foods, we began by saying we wouldn't eat food that was sold in a bag. That is difficult these days, when half the food in the grocery store is bagged. We started buying our bread in the bakery section of the supermarket, where the breads often don't have artificial preservatives in them. We now go grocery shopping a few times a week. We buy fresh food and eat it for a few days until we finish it. Then we go back for more. People often say they are too busy to go to the grocery store more than once per week, but we find that life is simpler now. I'll listen to three or four-piece sets from the Vince Guaraldi Trio or Bill Evans or Miles Davis or some of the many other artists on my Jazzy Spotify playlist. Since I always listened to this music while studying or reading articles, my desire to play piano like these guys continued to grow. Finally, around my 23rd birthday, after years with this nagging interest, I convinced myself that I was tired of not knowing how to play the piano. I drew up a powerful scenario for myself. I asked, Alright, self. (A Group of Jazz Musicians) Setting up a dramatic scene for your future really helps determine whether you truly care about something or not. It forces you to see how important this activity or plan really is to you. My scenario was, If I'm on my deathbed decades down the road from now, will I be disappointed if I don't take action? It's harsh, but those are usually the best scenarios to create. Honor them as a commitment to your recovery. If your partner is not pursuing recovery, you will want to strategize how you will present these limits to him.

It can be helpful to rehearse this conversation ahead of time so you are more confident. And again, seriously consider having a conversation with a therapist for greater clarity and support. Setting boundaries means taking responsibility for yourself and reclaiming the power you have given away. It is letting others know what is acceptable to you and what is not. Learning about boundaries takes time. Be patient. Get feedback from other recovering partners and/or a counselor. They will have a perspective you may not have. We buy fresh food, cook it, and enjoy it. The flavors that come from fresh foods are one of a kind. A Note on Canned Foods Canned foods are preserved but very practical, especially in the winter. While we encourage eating fresh foods, that is not always possible. Look for canned foods that have only salt in them as a preservative, such as beans and vegetables. Wash the beans thoroughly, which removes about one-third of the sodium. Another great option for beans and legumes is dried beans. There are no preservatives in these. You do have to plan ahead before using them, though, because dried beans and legumes often require soaking for several hours or overnight before cooking. If you're willing to die trying, then you're undoubtedly committed to the goal! In this case, I said yes.

I told myself I would be disappointed with how I lived my life if I didn't get good enough to play jazz piano like these musicians, the musicians I listened to all the time! Once I realized this, I contacted a few music instructors, started taking weekly piano lessons with one, committed to 3 hours of practice per week and never stopped. Did I have weeks where I barely made progress? I've totally blown a few weeks. On the other hand, there were some weeks where I practiced for 5 or 6 hours. After taking action with my first piano lesson, I couldn't lie to myself and say that just starting was good enough. A lot of people just start things. Remember how 8% of all New Year's resolutions actually get accomplished? Freeing Yourself from the Mental Frenzy One of the biggest challenges partners face is preoccupation and ruminating thoughts. Ruminating is a cognitive attempt to control the situation and/or to avoid the overwhelming emotions of the situation at a time when you are trying to make sense of it. If I can picture it, I can figure it out. If I can say the right thing, I'll stop his behavior/punish him/hurt him. This mental vigilance is a form of traumatizing yourself. You can be so consumed in your mind-set of preoccupation and rumination that it feels as if you are going crazy with the various images. To get out of your head means getting in touch with the feelings you are carrying. Freeing yourself from that state requires a willingness to begin to show and share those feelings, recognizing that you are the one keeping yourself trapped in this mental frenzy. It begins by accepting that preoccupation doesn't help your situation and only keeps you trapped in defeated thinking. Slow cookers and pressure cookers are more efficient than simmering beans on a stove top and will save considerable time. Canned foods are not the enemy.