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If you have the mobiliser style, listen to their ideas and avoid criticising them. Energisers, with the informing and initiating preferences, like to involve others in discussion and explain and explore their ideas. They can be stressed when others aren't willing to engage with them. Take some time to listen to their ideas and discuss them, even if it means breaking off from your own activities for a short time. Mobilisers and Navigators both have the directing preference and may tend to give instruction with little explanation. She wasn't sacrificing herself for Howie; she was returning to the role that had given meaning to most of her life. Unlike a younger lover who hopes to change his or her partner, Helen did not expect Howie someday to give her more. She wasn't living in the future, hoping for better things to come. That wasn't the point. I take care of him, she said. 'Cause he's an only child and he had nobody, then when his mother and father died he had no one except me. I tried to be everything to him. I think I am. I'm very motherly to him. There are possibilities for the restoration of the self. Our capacity to heal, and to restore and inhabit the self, is enormous at any age. Like Eleanor Roosevelt, I was very fortunate. I had Armeda and Oliver and others. And just as Marie Souvestre did for Eleanor, they filled in many of the gaps in my emotional foundations--and laid some new groundwork upon which I could build.

And looking back from my current position of late middle age, I see that much of the rest of my life has been precisely a filling in of these gaps. At each stage of life, there has been some new possibility for growth--growth through another human being, an interested, attuned human being. Each of us will patch together a life, looking for proximity, attunement, resonance, and the intense longing to feel felt. In many ways, the rest of this article is the story of some of the most important relationships that did this work for me. And who does life bring us? DRUGS IN OUR DRINKING WATER Medications, including antidepressants, are ending up in our drinking water in trace amounts. While officials have said they don't believe this could be impacting people, studies have shown that it's impacting some fish populations. Long story short: Even if you don't want to be taking psychiatric medication, you may be regularly ingesting a little. Time will tell how this has affected our communities. Your brain is a judgmental asshole and sometimes it pushes you to fail. There. It's out in the open. Your brain is sometimes your own worst enemy. And it's all because of this random function of our minds. This is stressful for Energisers, so make an effort to give information or explanation as this will help them feel committed to what you want them to do. Synthesisers will naturally provide information, but may not be sufficiently clear on what specifically they want done. Navigators and Synthesisers tend to speak and move in a sustained and thoughtful manner, and Energisers may feel frustrated by the slower pace. Energisers tend to fill any silence, which further decreases the opportunity for the others to respond. Avoid pausing, speed up your speech and vary your tone of voice.

If necessary, tell them you need some time to think about it and leave them with some encouraging remarks. Energisers naturally like to discuss ideas and options. Therefore, when communicating with them, take the time to inform and explain. Mobilisers and Navigators should avoid appearing to instruct or to close down options that the Energisers may feel are worth considering. Energisers have the most expressive and animated style and they may interpret the less effusive style of Navigators and Synthesisers as a lack of enthusiasm. numerous studies, researchers have found that seniors who feel useful to others live longer and better, with fewer disabilities, greater mobility, and more resilience to arthritis pain. Helen did not know about this research. she knew was laundry. I do his clothes, she said one day. I take them down to the washing machine. Don't tell my daughter. Then I'll get killed. I don't feel like getting killed yet. I still got three more years. For much of her life, this was the role that validated her. For me, as you will see, it brought Seth, and Helen, and John, and Annie, and Susie--and so many others. These stand, in my story presented in the following articles, as the kinds of possibilities that you, too, must certainly have found. things to ponder: containment Take a moment, now, to look over your list of Soul Friends. Where on the list do you find your containers?

(There may be one; there may be more. ) Where have you sought asylum and safe haven--both early in life, and today? As you think through your relationships with your containers, can you identify the components of attunement, alignment of minds, of feeling felt, and of fulfilling connection? Our containers are truly the most important benefactors of our lives. It's called the discrepancy reducing feedback loop, and it's the reason we get mad when things don't go our way quickly. Think of it as a judge sitting in your brain who's always paying attention to whatever your goal is, and how much you're investing in that goal, and how much progress you're making. Let's use the example of going to the grocery store. The judge knows how much you're investing to get there (in this example, the time it's taking) and the progress you're making (whether you're done shopping yet and back home on the couch). The problem is, your judge has strong opinions. It thinks this grocery trip should take thirty minutes. This strong opinion is known as your criterion velocity. As you work toward your goal, your judge is judging everything. Okay, traffic is light, so we should get to the grocery store fast. You quickly found a cart. When talking to Energisers, tell them what you are thinking, speed up your pace and use more expressive gestures. The core inner driver of Energisers is to involve others to get a result that is embraced by everyone. They like to be involved themselves and may become demotivated if they feel excluded from activities. Ensure that you involve Energisers or at least keep them informed so they know what's going on. Energisers tend to have plenty to say and others may find this overpowering or frustrating, especially when they feel they can't get heard themselves.

This was the case with Paul , who had the synthesiser style. On one occasion he said to his energiser colleague Sally, The more fuss you make, the less seriously I take you. <a href=''>'</a> He learned that he sometimes needed to butt in, which felt rude, but it was the only way to make sure his points were considered. <a href=''>If</a> you live or work with an Energiser, consider how you could adapt your behaviour to avoid triggering their negative emotions. <a href=''>A</a> group of friends had been talking about a weekend away to Barcelona but no one had done anything about it. <a href=''>She</a> loved cleaning--not cooking, but cleaning--and taking care of her three children, following in the footsteps of her own mother. <a href=''>My</a> mother was such a good woman, she said. <a href=''>Whoever</a> we brought home she always had enough to give them dinner. <a href=''>Sit down, you'll eat. ' She wasn't wild about my husband, but she tolerated him. She was my best friend. She worked so hard. watched her grow old. I loved her. Zoe said Helen was the same way--loved her friends, hated her boyfriends. Whether our exposure to them has been brief or long, they have allowed us to feel safely held and soothed--attuned to the mind and heart of another human being. They have helped us to feel felt--and this is a great gift. Can you feel, for just a moment, your gratitude for these important benefactors? Take a moment to look at their pictures, and to savor all that they've given you. Gaze into their eyes.