She was expected to be battle-ready at all times, prepared for any lawsuit or hit piece. She exercised five times a week, ate a strictly vegan diet, and had just obtained her sailing license. The woman was in control of everything. Everything but her dating life. Vivian knew I worked as a dating coach and matchmaker. Within the Jewish faith, ritual and story forms a fabric that teaches people how to have resiliency in the face of trauma, even in the face of what human beings can do to one another. Rabbi Hanien's grandfather died when she was a girl, but there is a story that her mother told during Passover seder about him that has stayed with Rabbi Hanien and informs much of her work today. As Rabbi Hanien recalled for us, He used to take it upon himself to grate the bitter herbs for the Passover seder. What struck me then and moves me even now is that he would grate those bitter herbs until his eyes burned and the tears rolled down his cheeks, and he would eat them that way too. At that point in the Passover seder, his face would turn red; It's not a religious obligation to experience pain when you eat these. They do tend to evoke that kind of physiological response, the burning. In our family, as in many families, usually that led us to say, get your water ready,' or get this sweet mixture of all the spring fruits that we're going to eat in a minute ready,' so that we'll be able to drown out the bitterness. My grandfather made sure that it registered. Rabbi Hanien's grandfather suffered losses that were so unspeakable that his family only learned about them after he had died and they went through his paperwork. His constant talk with little meaning reflects how you deal with him: lots of talk with little content. To heal any misalignment is to recognize the questions that your child is really asking: Do you love me? Do you care enough to be patient? Do you believe in my growth? Don't pretend the problem is his;

Give him the gift of time and attention. Then you receive the answers that matter to you. Your child is looking for leadership. Even before he speaks, he peers into your aura and reads what you believe. If he doesn't like what he feels, he squirms. She had shared a little bit about her dating life in our previous conversations, but this was the first time she had really opened up. So, let's take a step back. What's your dating history like? I asked her. In a word: disappointing, she said. I had a thing with this guy for two years. I don't even know if I should really call it a thing. He sure wouldn't. He lived in my apartment building in New York, and we'd hook up whenever he felt like it. Then there was this guy at work when I first moved here, but he sent a lot of mixed messages, and it sort of fizzled. But Passover seder, which commemorates the Jews being freed from slavery and leaving Egypt, allowed Rabbi Hanien's grandfather to locate his pain and place his personal despair within a bigger redemption story to find this fabric of meaning and collective narrative, so that there was a container for the immensity, even the infinity, of his grief. This one annual ritual allowed his tears to flow and evoked emotion that was already inside of him. It gave him the opportunity to integrate his ordeal. He could release the enormous pain in a way that wasn't overwhelming; There might be some traumas that we never make sense of or understand the cause.

Maybe we don't need to talk about them. Still, the pain remains buried until we find some outlet. But maybe the outlet can come from a ritual or ceremony. It doesn't have to be religiously oriented, although it could. It just needs to be something that has meaning for you and that allows you the space to release some pain. Reassure him, even in your thoughts, that he is wonderful and that you are thrilled to have him with you. This is the message that makes him trust your opinions. This is the message that brings him comfort and ease. This is the message he needs as he searches for more information. Your child experiences extraordinary growth in the first few years of his life. Just as his body stays healthy from pleasing food and exercise, his mind stays healthy from stimulating thought. His growth never stops because his learning never stops. However, the pace at which he grows is very flexible. If you want your child to blossom to his fullest, then notice his curiosities and attend them. Happily, as he finds his answers, he inspires you to find more of your own. Lately, I've been on the dating apps, and I've been on what feels like a million dates, but as soon as someone says they like me, I immediately lose interest. Tell me the truth. Am I cursed? Am I going to die alone? No, you're great.

You're beautiful and interesting, and you know how to sail a friggin' boat. I just think you might be looking for the wrong things. I was trying to stay on my side of the mat but felt myself slowly veering into coaching mode. I wanted to help. The wrong things? Andrew knew he had to keep living, but he was in limbo. The catalyst for his transformation came one night while he sat by his 13-month-old son, who was recovering in the ICU after a major surgery. Andrew realized he had two options. He could continue following the military medical system's treatment or he could find an alternative path. His military training kicked in. He needed to embrace his current level of pain, and then channel it, act on it, and use it in a way to improve his situation. In that moment, Andrew made a promise to himself and his son that three things would happen. First, he would return to the man of his preinjury days. Second, he would find a way to come off all the medications. And finally, once Andrew had achieved these two missions, he would have a new one to fulfill. If you believe that your child is developing beautifully, she has faith in herself and feels good about her future. If you believe that she is faltering, she begins to doubt herself and worry about the future. A child who doubts herself and worries about the future fears the advent of growth. If you constantly fret over the danger of this and the danger of that--either in her presence or behind her back--you need to refocus. Souls don't enter the world of matter to experience fear, danger and stagnancy;

If you tell your child that pain and heartache define her future, you destroy her faith in you; She is too connected to Source to fully believe in a world of danger, fear, and stagnancy, and she thinks too well of herself to believe otherwise. She is well aware that growth is her objective. If your negative focus continues, you invite rejection. If your child becomes negative to survive your influence, she lives an emotional detour. I didn't say anything about going after tall guys or rich guys. That's not what I mean, I said, interrupting her. Have you ever heard of attachment theory? ATTACHMENT 101 Of all the relationship science insights I share with my clients, attachment theory is one of the most powerful. It's a popular framework that helps explain why we're attracted to certain types of people, why past relationships haven't worked out, and why we're plagued by certain bad habits. You can read entire articles on the topic, including Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson, but attachment theory has made such a difference to my friends, my clients, and my own life that I wanted to include it here, too. I've worked with people who struggled with dating for years, learned about this framework, and used it to completely shift their approach. It's not easy, but the results can be powerful. I know more than a handful of people who owe their marital success to what they learned from attachment theory. He was going to figure out how to turn around and help someone else heal and recover just like him. This meant Andrew had to look for new answers, and since the traditional therapies and healing modalities weren't working, he had to be open to alternative therapies and healing modalities. Gordon and his work treating traumatic brain injuries (TBIs). In a serendipitous encounter, Andrew got an email from Dr Gordon after he had read an article about Andrew's situation. Dr Gordon shared his philosophy for treating TBIs by reducing inflammation in the brain and body, and he explained how he was working with a number of combat vets who had remarkable results.