In his 2017 TED Talk, Tashiro notes that Kind partners are awesome. They're generous, they're empathic, and they want to be supportive of you. Kindness and emotional stability also allow us to treat our partner with care and compassion, which research from John and Julie Gottman suggests is the key to long-term relationship success. Key tip for your dating search You can get a sense of how kind someone is by paying attention to how they treat people from whom they don't need anything. You say yes at work when you really don't have the energy, time, or capacity to take on more. You fill your social calendar when you're exhausted and burned out. You spend time with people who bring you down instead of lifting and supporting you. In the end, you give so much of yourself, time, energy, and love to the people in your world, but you never receive the same. This isn't a path to happiness. It's a straight shot to resentment, bitterness, anger, and despair. Instead of meaningful, deep, and supportive relationships, you create a world where people keep hurting you because you don't believe you deserve anything better. It can also set you up for more trauma. People who can say no and establish a boundary can hold on to their sovereignty and who they are, explained Dr Yvonne Farrell, an acupuncturist and doctor of Oriental medicine. Learning to create boundaries also helps to resolve trauma. If I have a career, I'll miss the chance to be the parent of my dreams. If I do both, I'll cheat my family of what it needs, or, I'll run myself ragged and not enjoy either. If this is what you expect, this is what you live. For years, men have been going out into the workforce, while nurturing their children on weekends. Did children suffer because this was so?

Didn't they just expect it to happen? Didn't they adjust quickly? If they received their father's love when he was around, they weren't concerned at all. Why would children feel differently if the mother took that role; They wouldn't. Are they nice to the waiter? Do they give up their seat on the subway? Are they patient with new team members who are learning the ropes at work? Do they treat their friends and parents with compassion? One way to get a sense of someone's emotional stability is to pay attention to how they respond to stressful situations. Do they freak out or keep their cool? Emotionally stable partners are measured in their responses. They take time to thoughtfully respond rather than impulsively react. When I explain this concept to my clients, I quote Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and celebrated psychiatrist. He wrote: Between stimulus and response there is a space. You will feel safer when you set and acknowledge what's healthy for you. You'll also learn to trust yourself, as you prove that you can take care of you. Setting healthy boundaries will exponentially improve your relationships. People who love and care about you will want to respect your boundaries. It may take some uncomfortable conversations with the people you love about why you need these boundaries and how you want to be supported, especially if you've never set them in the past.

But the people who truly matter will stand by you. You'll also find out if there are some people who no longer fit into your life. Maybe someone who you have loved can't meet your needs. Whatever the reasons may be, you'll be faced with a decision as to whether this relationship is important enough to find a way forward or if it's time to let it go. This may be a hard realization to come to. Judgment is the disturber of peace and harmony. God doesn't say, with bilateral careers, you make it impossible for me to love you. God wants you to choose the lifestyle that appeals to you and have the courage to enjoy it. The way of life you choose is up to you, but once chosen, it must be treated with respect. You are not a victim of circumstances. If you insist on playing the victim, you draw victimizers back. Take responsibility for where you are and love it to the utmost. If you are a person supporting a family alone, this is a choice, too. Don't be fooled into thinking you didn't want that role. If you weren't eager to face that challenge, you wouldn't have it. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Someone who is emotionally stable takes advantage of that space. You know those fair-weather friends who are with you when life is going great but forget your number when you need help? A fair-weather friend may be fine in certain situations, but you don't want a fair-weather partner.

Find someone who will be there for the good and the bad. Loyalty matters. I often think about a passage my sister read in a speech at her wedding. Schoenthaler explains that she's observed thousands of couples going through a crisis, which has taught her what really matters in a relationship: It's a privilege to witness these couples, but the downside is I find myself muttering under my breath when my single female friends show me their ads for online dating. But what you really want to look for is somebody who will hold your purse in the cancer clinic. But generally, when you set boundaries, you get to show up as the best version of yourself, whether that's as a parent, spouse, partner, employee, boss, co-worker, friend, sibling, child, grandparent, you name it. All of this being said, we know how hard it can be to set a boundary, moreover to identify what you need. We also want to acknowledge that for people who have survived sexual and physical abuse, setting boundaries can feel especially terrifying. We want you to know that whatever emotions pop up around boundaries, they're valid and real, and it's okay. Setting boundaries is hard, especially if you've never lived that way. Still, you deserve to have them and they're healthy. To help you get started, we've included some of the most common practices that the trauma experts we spoke to use with their patients. If it feels right for you, try them. If you meet a lot of resistance or it feels hard, there is no shame in reaching out for a little assistance. Most of the therapists and experts we spoke with teach and work on this skill with all their patients. If you refuse to accept your experience as the timely growth you need, nothing changes; On the other hand, if you take responsibility as the creator of all that is, you become a person who knew what she was doing. The moment you take an autonomous position, you take yourself out of victimization and into the seat of power. Since you have a choice regarding how to perceive your life, why not see yourself as being in control? Your children agreed to participate in the drama with the same autonomy you did.

See them as co-creators and watch how quickly they agree. Once you release your victim mentality, your children are more likely to release theirs, too. Your present situation is the dream your soul believes in, and God is thrilled to support whatever that is. There is no super chief deity looking over your shoulder and saying: oh no, what a mess you've made of your life. God respects all of your decisions and hopes that you do, too. My sister found a wonderful man who will hold her purse whenever she needs him to. In other words, she married someone who shows up for her, who takes care of her when she's down. Look for loyalty. Look for someone who's there for you whether you've won an industry award or are stuck in the cancer ward. Key tip for your dating search One easy way to estimate someone's loyalty is to see if they have friends from different stages of their lives. How many old friendships have they carried with them over the years? Did they ditch their college bestie when they got depressed, or do they still meet up for monthly movie matinees? Do people from their past seem to rely on them for companionship and support? Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, since some people have moved around a lot or lived in places where they didn't fit in. Like everything in life, please be kind and gentle with yourself. To have healthy boundaries, we have to know ourselves. We have to tap into how we feel and what we need physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There's no wrong answer, but it means going inward and constantly checking in with yourself to assess how you're doing and the environment and people around you. You'll want to ask yourself, What am I sensing and feeling?