You are biologically wired to need connection. So of course, rejection is going to hurt. Your natural response might be self-criticism. Try not to go down that path. What I try to do is notice it, label it--Oh, there's that same old story again--and then let it go. REAL BUT NOT TRUE How do you gain the perspective to challenge the inner stories you tend to run with? You need to pause before you create your interpretations, then add a dose of compassion and kindness. Psych Central, last modified October 8, 2018, https://psychcentral. Annelies Verheugt-Pleiter and Margit Deben-Mager, Transference-Focused Psychotherapy and Mentalization-Based Treatment: Brother and Sister? Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy 20, no. Nina Savelle-Rocklin and Salman Akhtar, Beyond the Primal Addiction: Food, Sex, Gambling, Internet, Shopping, and Work (London: Routledge, 2019). Pederson, The DBT Deck for Clients and Therapists. A Call for Self-Compassion in the Digital Age Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. Self-compassion plays a major role in our healing. In this article, you will learn about the three main components of self-compassion--self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness--and how these components can help protect you from the negative consequences of social media, such as FOMO, envy, and upward social comparisons. Such insight is exactly what several companies are now offering. They promise to tell you how well your body absorbs certain nutrients, your muscle fiber composition (slow-twitch versus fast-twitch), and how well you respond to different types of energy system-based training, such as anaerobic or aerobic.

The question is what you should make of the results. If you find that you have a high percentage of fast-twitch muscle fibers, should this encourage you to start playing an explosive sport like basketball and doing lots of Olympic lifting and plyometrics because of your genetic predisposition to this type of training? Or, since you're already a natural at such things, should you work on developing your slow-twitch muscle fibers because your DNA has disadvantaged you in this area? The same goes for energy systems. If you're an aerobic responder, should you start signing up for marathons or triathlons and gearing all your preparation around such events? Or is it better to concentrate on overcoming your anaerobic weaknesses? Similar quandaries await in nutrition. Nutrient levels vary daily and are a moving target, so it's hard to get definitive answers about what you're getting too much of and what you're lacking from a one-off test. This will allow you to come back to what's real instead of clinging to what you've created. Tara Brach tells another story about a woman on a layover in an airport. Hungry and exhausted, she got some cookies, put them in her purse, and sat down at a table where a man was sitting and reading a newspaper. She, too, took out a newspaper and proceeded to read it. She fished out a cookie as she read and ate it, and then the man reached into the bag and took a cookie for himself. She was weirded out but couldn't imagine what to say. She didn't want to make a scene. So, she stayed quiet and took another cookie and ate it, and then he did the same thing. Well, as this pattern continued, the woman, not surprisingly, got angrier and angrier. Eventually, just one cookie remained. You'll meet Sandi and John, two well-meaning people whose lack of self-compassion fuels their unhealthy patterns of social-media usage and takes them off course from living the lives they both desire and deserve. At the end of this article, you'll find prescriptive actions for cultivating self-compassion and self-love, such as celebrating personal achievements both big and small, comparing yourself only to yourself, and learning how to count personal blessings.

But first, what's self-compassion? A Primer on Self-Compassion Over and over again, studies show that practicing self-compassion enables us to lead lively and enriching lives. It increases levels of self-esteem and well-being and decreases malignant envy, depression, anxiety, hurtful social comparisons, and narcissism. Self-compassion is also an important ingredient for self-development, because it helps us recover from our mistakes, bounce back more quickly from life's inevitable setbacks, and achieve our goals. Compassion has its roots in Buddhism, an Eastern philosophy. In the classical teachings of the Buddhist tradition, compassion is defined as the heart that trembles in the face of suffering. The aspiration to compassion is said to be the noblest quality of the human heart, the motivation underlying all meditative paths of healing, liberation, and forgiveness. Nutrient absorption is impacted not just by genetics but also by the timing and dosage of other substances, not to mention sleep, stress levels, and exertion. The same goes for hormone balance, which can be altered by sex, sickness, and any number of other variables. The reality is that while genetic testing holds a lot of promise, it's still in its infancy and you're better off saving your money. There just isn't a large enough sample size currently in the databases of the testing companies, hospitals, or government agencies to draw meaningful conclusions. It's also worth noting that no gene has but a single function; Every gene also interacts with one another in ways we cannot yet understand. So it's an oversimplification to say, Well, gene X is turned on, so you should do Y in your training from now on. We also need to think carefully about the motivations of genetic testing organizations. These may well be noble, but let's be honest. They're for-profit companies who stand to gain a lot for giving you a little information that's hazy at best. To her astonishment, the man broke it in two and handed her half. Then his flight was called and he left.

Only later did she reach into her purse and, finding her unopened bag of cookies, realize she had been eating his. The stories we tell ourselves aren't always true! Yet we are so caught up in our interpretation of the world that we can't imagine any other version. We live our lives through storylines that keep us disconnected from our truths. We buy into belief systems about ourselves and others that keep us from truly seeing ourselves and each other. Brach calls this pattern of storytelling Real but Not True. This phrase reminds us that our experiences are not the same thing as our thoughts about our experiences. What happens to you is one thing, but it's different from the meaning you later attach to it in your thoughts. Self-compassion is taking this concept one step further by applying it to ourselves. Why do we need to practice self-compassion? For many of us, our inner turmoil stems from negative talk--not believing we're good enough, berating ourselves when we make a mistake or fail to accomplish the things we expect we should, and scolding or shaming ourselves when we feel we do not fit into our ideal vision of ourselves. It's no surprise that our critical, negative internal dialogues are what create our emotional suffering in the form of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, emotional eating, isolation, toxic relationships, and even unhealthy The good news is that learning the skills of self-compassion is one way to overcome negative talk and improve your screen health. Sandi, a sixty-year-old divorced and overweight woman, came to see me because she was desperate to lose weight, get healthy, and meet a good man. Sandi had tried every fad diet out there with little to no success. Sandi's health was suffering as well; Sandi had struggled with her weight ever since she was a young girl. Her mother thought nothing of slipping in an occasional negative comment about it, and her younger sister and peers teased her as well. When you sign up, they get all your data points, which they add to the information they've already harvested, helping them to become more accurate. In return, you get some nice, colorful graphics depicting certain levels and a few prescriptions for what to eat, how to train, and so on.

Amazon had a similar motivation when it purchased the power-reader website Goodreads. Is it just a coincidence that many of the testing providers also sell higher-priced training and nutrition packages? This isn't altruism. It's commercialism! So is there a place for testing? Absolutely. But you should only have a doctor scan for major diseases and do the usual bloodwork in annual checkups. Then, if you want to, do cheap assessments on your grip strength, VO2 max, or lean body mass, which are well understood and are the main predictors of long life or early mortality. What we're thinking is a step removed, not the thing itself. The fact of the experience remains the same, but its meaning in your head may shift over time, and almost surely will differ from the thoughts and beliefs of others who shared the experience. Because our thoughts and beliefs evolve, we constantly rewrite ourselves. We move from an authentic experience or feeling to an interpretation. We move from I feel bad to I am bad, something's wrong with me. These beliefs are shaped by our culture and history. We get the message from the outside that we're not okay. That feeds the core belief that something is wrong with me. Then we seek evidence to confirm our new belief. This negativity bias, you may remember, wired into you as a means of protection, means that we glom onto whatever confirms our interpretation, our sense of unworthiness. Sandi's mother's comments often led to fights and arguments, making life feel chaotic and unstable. Sandi had a secretive and hurtful habit that she relied on to cope with her negative emotions: binge eating while on social media.