You have been deceived, time and time again, and that is traumatic to your very being. And while you are addressing the lies and secrecy that come with deception, the impact of the trauma needs to be validated and articulated. The words trauma and betrayal afford that, therefore, in this edition, I will incorporate more knowledge about trauma and trauma responses as well as changing language so that it can enhance and acknowledge the partners' recovery process. As the trauma lens has been incorporated into the treatment for partners, the phenomena of one's codependency has been challenged. Yet as you read, you will see that some of the women in this article, while recognizing their trauma, also find value in their understanding of codependency. In lieu of choosing an either/or framework, they recognize that what has occurred in their relationship has been traumatic and, for some, not all, prior to the trauma of sexual deception, they engaged in what was previously considered codependent behavior and thinking. When referring to their codependent behavior, they are referring to self-defeating behaviors they learned growing up with addiction, abuse, or an otherwise impaired family system. These behaviors included discounting their own needs, learning to not show feelings, or to not trust others. We risk becoming active couch potatoes who believe that a brief period of one-off exercise every twenty-four hours makes us bulletproof, when in fact, we can't outrun or outlift eight to ten hours of sitting. Standing instead of sitting increases metabolic rate, eliminates sitting-based orthopedic problems like low back pain and lost hip function, and makes it easier to retain healthy positioning. But if you stand in one place, you're still likely to develop circulatory issues, get stiff ankles and feet, and have other issues. The key, as movement expert Dr Kelly Starrett advises, is to stand instead of sit, add a fidget bar so you can get some micro-movement, or get in a set of a body-weight exercise, like push-ups or squats between phone meetings, and change positions and move frequently. One study showed that moving for five minutes undoes most of the damage caused by sitting for an hour, which includes a 50 percent reduction in blood flow to the legs. Such a routine also benefits the brain: researchers from Texas A&M found that call center workers who were active throughout the day were 46 percent more productive than those who sat. It also directly impacts your mood and stress levels. Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh Brain Institute found that the neural pathways engaged during movement have direct access to our brain's stress-control centers. A key to decreased stress and improved health, then, is rebooting our sedentary software and ingraining the habit of constant movement. One technology that can help in this is an app that reminds you to get up and move around at regular intervals. In the previous article, I debunked that myth that when our surroundings feel hostile, self-love is the answer, and I traced the limits of that self-love prescription. We looked at how it can boost you to face the world in the short term, but the concept's efficacy ends at the point where your self meets others in a society that dehumanizes and privileges some bodies over others.

If your self-image takes a dive in those moments and leaves you scrambling to recover, it's not because you failed to love yourself enough. It's because the world is still hostile to people who look like you. Self-love can't fix the world that causes the self-loathing in the first place. To understand and confront the stigma, discrimination, and even violence we encounter--in our schools, workplaces, public spaces, and even homes--we need to widen the lens, pulling back from our individual psyches to take in the structural oppression around us. The game is rigged, and those of us with marginalized identities (and any identity, but especially communities of people who are most oppressed) must continually, intuitively, and consciously manage other people's impressions of us. Everywhere we go, our bodies precede us and announce the social taxonomy associated with our particular kind of body. That, in turn, triggers reactions from other people that are rooted in unconscious biases or conscious prejudices. For thirty years, I worked on and studied diet culture, weight bias, fatphobia, and eating disorders, but I've come to see these as just one site of body-based oppression. It basically says you learned certain traits as a part of your survival growing up. It was what you did to bring safety and security to your life. But to continue these behaviors in adulthood only interferes with healthy self-care and the ability to be healthy in a relationship. With that meaning, this phraseology is validating. In my article, Unspoken Legacy: Addressing the Impact of Trauma and Addiction within the Family, published in 2018, I reframe what was learned in a troubled family as being traumatic and much of what has been identified to be codependent is in fact a trauma response. What makes the early life experiences often traumatic is that you are subject to chronically hurtful experiences at the time in your life when you are developing your sense of worth and identity. In Deceived I follow the stories of six women who worked together in a recovery group. They came to feel such power in community that they called themselves the Women of the Lodge. A handful of years later they are no longer together as a group, but continue in their recovery in various communities. I chose these particular stories as collectively they address the many variations of possible scenarios. If you can't stand and move for most of the day, then adding movement breaks is the next best thing. Researchers at the University of Texas discovered that constant sitting makes people incapable of burning fat like those who are constantly in motion, even if they exercise intensely.

But don't be a slave to the app. Instead, be aware of how you feel when it goes off and you haven't been moving for a certain period of time. Do you feel sluggish or inattentive? Are you becoming restless? If so, you could use a neuro-hack (such as eating a piece of dark chocolate or playing a quick brain-training game) to complement a movement break and help you focus better when you get back to working or studying. After a while, see if you can start noticing when your attention begins to wane, your thoughts wander, or you feel sore or stiff. If you can increase your awareness to this point, you won't need the app anymore. You can also use a tool like Kelly Starrett's MWOD fidget bar to add in micro-movement that increases circulation and reduces positional fatigue. The past several years have given me a new understanding of my own experience of disordered eating and substance abuse. I hadn't been wrong to blame diet culture and my internalized fatphobia for my perfect storm of addictions, but I hadn't gone far enough. My discomfort in my body stemmed from the dehumanizing gender binary that made me feel not entirely human (everyone else was boy or girl--what was I? That pervasive sense of body-wrongness imposed on me by our culture isolated me from other people and the community we all need to make life worth living. Gendered oppression--that narrow understanding of gender as either male or female and nothing else--had isolated me from family, friends, lovers, and colleagues. It separated me from career opportunities and financial rewards I deserved. It had pushed me to a place in my life where dangerous diets and drugs seemed safer company than other people. Expanding beyond body positivity to see this gender and social oppression revealed that my fatphobia, my eating disorder, and the substance abuse that followed arose from being misgendered for so much of my life. The effects of oppression are visceral and damaging, and none of us should have to endure it. That these experiences inhabit every corner of our daily lives and can burrow into each of us is tragic. You will also read the words of other unnamed partners and at times the words of the addict. In my work with these women I saw them grapple with self-esteem, self-worth, and dignity at a level I had never before encountered.

Was this because of the particular women I worked with? Possibly, but I think not. I think the nature of betrayal they experienced and their profound personal histories, coupled with the safety they felt in the group to claim their voices, allowed them to be authentic with each other and be true to themselves. All of these women came together as a force, and they soared. In their anguish, they cried and they were angry--oh so angry. They laughed and they loved; They came to love and support each other in ways they had never previously expressed or experienced. The common denominator was simply that they each had a partner who was acting out sexually. If you have kids or grandkids, you should also try applying this thinking to them. Rather than yelling at them if they start fidgeting during their homework, encourage them to put on a song and dance around for a few minutes. They'll be much more focused when they get back to those vexing math problems or that spelling bee word list. Andy remembers being constantly told to sit still when he was growing up, but this is the exact opposite of what we should be teaching our children. Don't Sweat It In addition to adopting the no pain, no gain maxim as gospel truth, we've also convinced ourselves that for a workout to be worthwhile, we need to be sweating buckets by the end of it. I frequently do high-octane sessions by myself, with my wife, and with my athletes, but I realized long ago that you can't just hammer yourself every day. If you do, you'll end up with hormonal imbalance, poor sleep, digestive complaints, and a host of other problems, all of which are ways your body's trying to tell you that something's wrong. If you go all-out every single time you're active, your endocrine, cardiovascular, and other systems will feel like they're under constant threat and stop making positive cellular adaptations. You'll also be unable to recover adequately between sessions, and in your haste, you're more likely to abandon proper mechanics. It must change. To heal injuries inflicted by a hostile world and survive in it, we've got to stop the harm necessitating all that recovery in the first place.

We've got to start by identifying the oppression that's creating all these injuries and eliminating it everywhere we find it. That requires understanding how oppression works systemically. Hierarchy, inequity, and exclusion aren't accidents or unfortunate incidents. They're designed into our workplaces, governments, and social norms. This work also requires identifying and correcting for the ways we are complicit in the oppression on a social level--that is, examining how our conditioning has produced (and continues to produce) conscious and unconscious biases and reactions in us. This is hard and requires life-long self-reflection. It also requires commitment to learning about and being respectful of cultural identities of diverse groups. This learning needs to be approached with humility, requiring that we step outside of ourselves and be open to other people's identities in a way that acknowledges their authority over their own experiences. Some of them had partners who became strong in recovery; Whatever their individual circumstances, some women stayed in their relationships, some ended up leaving, and some went through a divorce they did not seek. But each moved forward in her life and benefited greatly through the community of others she found in her healing process. As I continue to meet partners today, I see the same pain, the same strengths, and the same desire to find safety to be able to make decisions about their life and to move forward. While these women had partners who did pursue treatment that may not be true in your situation. Whether or not he is willing to get help you are left with the trauma of the betrayal. Nonetheless, you can get help on your own. Your healing, which may be about trusting your gut, your self care, and boundary setting, can begin. Today more men, both heterosexual and gay, and more lesbian partners are identifying their partner as a sex addict. In this article it is not feasible to discuss the nuances and differences in the many types of relationships, but betrayal is betrayal, and we are all human. Over time, these two factors are going to lead to injury. Instead of trying to make sure you earn that towel you've brought with you, try varying the intensity of your sessions.