James's upward comparisons left him feeling like his life was inferior in every way. They also made him feel as if he were incapable of making good decisions for himself. When he saw pictures of his friends on social media or read updates, more times than not he was left with a sinking feeling that his life was lacking. Over the course of treatment, James worked on gaining an awareness of the emotions driving his habit of upward comparison. He may broaden the implementation of his therapeutic views by undertaking play therapy with children, if previously he has engaged only in therapy with adults. He may, in some of the institutional resources, have the opportunity of conducting group therapy with children, adolescents, or adults. He can develop the scope of his professional functioning. Throughout this experience supervision remains available, as always. It has not been in accord with the views of the faculty to impose supervision at any point. In fact, probably some term other than supervision would be preferable to convey the notion of a resource person, available for consultation, whose function is to assist the student to discover more clearly the issues and problems and flaws in his work, a person who will serve as an interested but noncoercive and nonjudgmental source of stimulation and clarification. Internship or Courtesy Appointment From the group of graduate students who have completed two or more quarters of the practicum courses, applications are accepted for positions on the staff of the Counseling Center. The usual term for the position would be an internship, since it is in most instances an unpaid position which the student desires in order to round out further his own professional training. But because there is some connotation of an underling in the term intern, we have usually described the position as a courtesy appointment to the staff of the Center. Then I came home and felt crappy. I had performed friendliness and bonding, rather than really connecting with anyone. I was acting not as myself but as the person I thought they wanted me to be. Acting inauthentically is such a lonely feeling. This inauthentic presentation of ourselves results from being policed all our lives and taught which traits are valued and which aren't. Of course, this is nuanced, as there are no objective standards to what traits get valued across social identities or locations or time.

Boys don't cry, right? And while a tearful girl may be supported by her girlfriends, her crying will hold her back in a corporate setting. Even this line of thinking must be fleshed out further. Lawyer, scholar, and civil rights advocate Kimberle Crenshaw coined the term intersectionality to help explain the oppression of Black women and show how multiple oppressions intersect to form our experience. Adversities, like a big breakup or divorce, can trigger envious feelings. James's upward comparisons with Drake and the other dads distracted him from acknowledging his deeper feelings of loss, powerlessness, fear, and resentment brought on by his girlfriend's decision to end their nine-year relationship. James worked hard to learn how to look inward rather than outward and how to pay attention and listen to his emotions. Our emotions shape who we are and guide our lives. Where and how we direct our energy is where our life will go. Over time, as I got to know James better, I learned that he had a very supportive family. James was especially close to his older brother, whom he said was always available to listen and as a shoulder to lean on. As James talked more and more about the details of his life, he realized that his life wasn't all bad--and neither was he. I'm going through a really tough time right now, he told me, but I now know my life isn't a total disaster. I have a great son and a pretty decent job. This name seems better to fit the actual functioning of these individuals. From the applicants, those persons are selected who seem to show the most professional ability and promise. To some degree, self-selection has been used, and has significant advantages. However, a staff committee has also served a selective function. In recent years the Center has had fifteen to twenty of these courtesy appointees at any one time. This number may be considered in relation to the fact that there are ten or twelve paid staff members, almost all of them giving only part time to the Center.

These courtesy staff members function in every way as full staff members. They have responsibility for their cases, take part in decisions on policy and other matters in staff meeting, serve on staff committees, and in all ways regard themselves as having a responsible share in the whole venture. Both in the professional and in the administrative realm they function in the ways in which they feel they are able to contribute. Since all committees are self-appointed, we have even had the interesting phenomenon of an unpaid courtesy appointee serving on the budget committee, planning such matters as salary rates, allocation of funds, and the like. As Crenshaw describes, the intersectional experience needs to be taken into account as its influence is different than the sum of its parts. While boys can't cry and girls can't cry in corporate settings, the reasoning behind these things differs depending on race. Black boys don't cry, for example, not just because it threatens their masculinity, but also because they are often taught they can't cry if they want to be valued or seen as credible. And while girls can't cry in corporate settings because they won't be respected, Black girls can't cry because they also face the Angry Black Woman trope--forever seen as women who are unable to control their emotions. When you analyze a situation from an intersectional perspective, it becomes clear that generalizations about groups are likely describing dominant group experience and misrepresenting those with multiple levels of marginalization. Sojourner Truth, an African American abolitionist and women's rights activist, explained this in her famous speech Ain't I a Woman? Additionally, the tropes associated with Black people inherently force them into binary gender boxes. Even in addressing Crenshaw's theory of intersectionality, we must remember that gender is more complicated than woman and man. Sojourner Truth's demand for inclusion in a narrative of gender and safety was also an acknowledgment of the failure of gender defined and limited by whiteness. This, too, complicates vulnerability, race, and gender. Appreciating the good things in my life is helping me get through my separation. I feel more hopeful about my future. I know I won't feel bad forever. The fact is, there is no one else in the world or even the history of the world, including Drake, who has the exact same family, childhood, or interests and passions as James. And of course, no one has or ever will have the exact same DNA or genetic code. When each of us, like James, recognizes and embraces what makes us unique and special, we begin to develop gratitude.

Gratitude: The Antidote to Envy The benefits of practicing gratitude are plentiful. Robert Emmons, a psychologist and leading scientific expert on the science of gratitude, says gratitude blocks toxic emotions, such as envy, resentment, regret, and depression, and that it's impossible to feel envious and grateful at the same time. Gratitude works because it allows us to celebrate the present and be an active participant in our own lives. This situation caused no comment whatsoever in the staff when it occurred, and it was only when the writer considered how this would appear to those accustomed to more conventional organizational procedures that he felt it worthy of mention. The administrative side of staff experience as it relates to the courtesy appointee is stressed here only to indicate that the experience of internship involves a still further broadening of his appreciation of how applicable are the principles of human relationships which he finds effective in therapy. It is living evidence that, though staff relationships are not always smooth, nevertheless he can trust himself to participate as freely as he dares, he can express real attitudes, he can accept the attitudes of others, he can rely upon the basic tendencies of the group, and he can thus learn more deeply the hypothesis of all his work. When the courtesy appointee joins the staff he is encouraged to choose one or more staff members, with whom he feels comfortable, to use as resource persons in his cases. On first joining the staff, he is apt to avail himself of the opportunity for consultation and supervision to a considerable degree, but gradually he feels less need to do so. As time goes on, the major part of his professional training comes from two sources -- his continuous learning from the clients with whom he is working, and the give and take of discussion with other staff members, in both large and small groups. In other words, he has become a full-fledged member of his profession, being self-responsible for his work, but turning freely to his colleagues for help whenever he needs it. Research in Therapy During the period of practicum or internship, the advanced student is also likely to be thinking about research. Many of these students are about to undertake the research for their doctoral dissertations. When Black people are already seen through the lens of failure based on standards of whiteness that are embedded as systemic ideologies, this automatically limits the access Black people have to authenticity, performance, and embodiment. MODERATING OUR VULNERABILITY Vulnerability is crucial in friendships, and this section unpacks the vulnerability required in sharing ourselves with friends. I write with an awareness that I don't navigate this area as well as I'd like. My tendency is to offer up too much vulnerability and then to feel too exposed--what's been called a vulnerability hangover. Seeing others fall into their patterns of oversharing of vulnerability helps me understand mine better.

For example, I remember when a friend and I went to dinner with two new acquaintances. My friend told an intimate story of childhood trauma. When she had originally told this story to me privately, there was trust and intimacy, and I could empathize. It helped us bond. Valuing and appreciating friends, oneself, situations, and circumstances focuses the mind on what we already have rather than on something that's absent and is needed, Emmons says. In a nutshell, studies show that people who regularly practice gratitude by noticing and reflecting on the things for which they are thankful enjoy many benefits, including More joyful emotions Fewer incidents of anxiety and depression Feeling more engaged in their lives Sleeping better More compassion and More fulfilling relationships. Gratitude, according to psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, has the ability to dampen pathological envy. Like envy, gratitude, Klein says, is inborn and a crucial component of our ability to perceive the goodness in other people. It is natural that some aspect of therapy should challenge them -- some measure of outcomes, some study of the therapeutic process or the therapist-client relationship, some phase of basic personality dynamics as seen in therapy. A great deal of the research in therapy cited earlier in this article has been done by students who have reached this stage of their training. In carrying on the basic theoretical thinking necessary for his research, and in clarifying the concepts with which he is to work, each student finds that he is enriching his professional function by his scholarly and critical research interests, and that his research, on the other hand, is greatly deepened in its significance by the continuing contact with personal dynamics in therapy. It has been our experience that any student who has completed the sequence of training experiences outlined, imperfect though they may be in their detailed implementation, is ready to begin functioning as a therapist, and is open to new learning in this field. He is effective as a therapist, able to deal with a rather wide range of individuals. He is sufficiently secure within himself to be able to adapt his therapeutic functioning to new situations and new problems of relationships.