Date Tags help

Hundreds of studies in cognitive psychology and cognitive therapy confirm that your thinking directly influences your feelings. In the case of your distorted thoughts, which typically occur in stressful situations and encounters, these feelings are apt to be anxiety, anger, and fear, and they're very upsetting. Instead of letting yourself be ruled by the reason of these distorted thoughts, call members of your A team and solicit their care to help you gain perspective. Gaining perspective on your situation allows you to deal with it much more effectively. For a formula: Tell them what is happening. Tell them what you think. Ask them what they think. Achievement/work includes being committed to one's work, believing in its worth, and liking challenge. Relationships/intimacy includes relating well to others, trusting others, and being altruistic and helpful. Religion/ spirituality includes having a personal relationship with God, believing in an afterlife, and contributing to a faith community. Transcendence/ generativity encompasses contributing to society, leaving a legacy, and transcending self-interests. What makes this finding of the robustness of these meaning factors especially impressive is that these studies have used diverse methodologies (including rating scales, surveys, and interviews) in heterogeneous populations. For example, the personal strivings methodology (Emmons, 1999) uses a semiprojective sentence-completion task the Personal Meaning Profile developed by Wong (1998) resembles Q-sort items and Ebersole (1998) used narrative methodology to ask people to write about the central personal meaning in their life. The science of personality has converged on a Big 5 (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism) taxonomy of personality traits (John & Srivastava, 1999) perhaps the personal meaning literature will eventually embrace a Big 4 taxonomy of personal meaning dimensions (WIST work, intimacy, spirituality, and transcendence). Such convergence is likely to yield assessment and intervention dividends. For example, assessment instruments designed to measure life meaning must capture, at a minimum, the WIST categories of meaningful experience. Clinicians might routinely assess a client's level of satisfaction with WIST, design interventions to assist clients in developing sources of fulfillment within these broad life domains, and offer motivational restructuring emphasizing these domains when lives are lacking in meaningful pursuits. You know what you did wrong and you'll get it right the next time. Remember to talk to yourself as you would to your best friend. It's okay to be hard on yourself.

But stay positive. I've said before how important it is to set specific goals, attainable ones. That's what keeps you going forward. That's how you avoid the pitfalls of thinking in the wrong way. If your goals are clear--if they are realistic and on point, and you are committed to them--you won't falter. When they're unclear or they're not realistic and they're weak, you struggle. If you believe in what you are doing and believe that you can go forward, you can and will. Reappraise the situation. Bouncing Board Unless you are an infant, it's hard to get help if you are a whiner. Sometimes, the care we need comes in the form of having someone just listen to our feelings. There have been many studies, for example, where results show that people just verbalizing their feelings to a tape recorder feel better afterward. Telling a close friend you are distressed over the problems your daughter is experiencing in high school might not provide you with a brilliant new parenting tactic, but you will have your feelings listened to. This is just the type of care that can energize you to be helpful to your daughter. Similarly, sharing your frustration with a trusted coworker might not result in you developing a, coping with your evil boss strategy, but you will still feel better for getting the feelings off your chest. We all have problems. It's the human condition. Those of us who are ineffective in dealing with them are apt to experience frustration, anger, and depression. Beyond identifying these motivational clusters, more specific questions can be asked. Are there certain types of goals that are consistently linked with happiness? Does the way in which people strive for their goals--for example by framing the goal in abstract or concrete terms or using approach versus avoidance language--affect the experience of subjective well-being (SWB)?

Do the goals need to be integrated into a more or less coherent package where conflict is minimized for maximal positive well-being? What advice could be given to persons so that they might extract more pleasure from their goal pursuits? Before examining the contribution that goals make to the positive life, we must first consider how the positive life has been measured in goals research. In a series of articles and columns initiating the science of positive psychology, Seligman (1998, 1999 Seligman & Csikszentmihalyi, 2000) has begun to sketch the scaffold of a comprehensive taxonomy of human strength and civic virtues. Three broad domains, or pillars, are (a) positive subjective experience, (b) positive personal and interpersonal traits, and (c) positive institutions and communities. Positive subjective experiences include the intrapsychic states of happiness and life satisfaction, flow, contentment, optimism, and hope. SWB is generally defined as an individual's cognitive evaluation of life, the presence of positive or pleasant emotions, and the absence of negative or unpleasant emotions (Oishi, Deiner, Suh, & Lucas, 1999). Then when you reach specific goals, you will set new ones. Until you get to exactly where YOU want to be. Not where someone like me wants you to be, not where your husband or wife wants you to be, but where you want to be. A lot of work goes into being a successful actor. You have to show up to an audition or a meeting, be told that you are ugly or that you are fat or too skinny or have a weird smile and you are not right for the part. There's a lot of rejection. A lot of people try to make it. Many of them go home. They don't make it. The people I work with got to where they are for a reason. With the latter, we frequently give up. Hello, depression. If there is one thing that tells us we are vulnerable, it is when we have a dilemma we cannot solve ourselves.

Instead of taking the road to depression, use your A team. Whether it is in the form of helping you gain perspective, sorting out your feelings before you act, or helping you come up with a new response to an old problem, the care you receive places you in a much better position for dealing with the challenges that confront you. But you do have to solicit this nurturing. You have put a lot of trust into your team, so you want to make sure you maintain it. The best way to do this is by demonstrating that support is mutual. In fact, the only way your team can survive is for you to support each of them in turn. Otherwise, they will start to feel that you are a user, or selfish, and you run the risk of them not picking up when they see your name on their caller ID. Pleasant emotions include happiness, joy, contentment, and elation unpleasant emotions include sadness, anxiety, depression, and anger (Diener, Suh, Lucas, & Smith, 1999). The cognitive component of SWB, life satisfaction, is measured most commonly through the Satisfaction With Life Scale (SWLS Diener, Emmons, Larsen, & Griffin, 1985), a brief but highly reliable global evaluation of one's life as a whole. Widely used in both clinical and nonclinical samples, evidence for the reliability and validity of the SWLS is available in Pavot and Diener (1993). Various other trait-like indexes of positive well-being, including measures of vitality, selfWhen it comes to contributing to the good life, experience, common sense, and research tell us that not all goals are created equally. People strive for diverse ends in their goal pursuits, and not all ends are equally likely to contribute to well-being. In a systematic review of the literature on personality and well-being, DeNeve and Cooper (1998) speculate that personality traits determine the types of goals toward which individuals strive, with goal-striving having a more direct link to SWB than do personality traits. Coding personal goals into broad, thematic clusters enables the examination of the relationship between the ends that people strive for and their well-being independently of outcome or other goal-striving processes. We have developed a coding system for classifying personal strivings into 12 thematic content categories (Emmons, 1999, app B). Goals that express a desire for close, reciprocal relationships. (eg, Help my friends and let them know I care, Accept others as they are, Try to be a good listener). They're not going to lose. They work hard. In a way, the attrition rate is worse than in the SEALs.

My SEAL class started with around 120 guys and graduated 12 of them. There's a reason why there's only one Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, or Scarlett Johansson. It's not an easy space to occupy. They're professionals to the end. They're also great role models for getting things done. Look at what Chris Pratt did. This guy pretty much changed his life with fitness. The more mutually supportive your relationships are, the easier you will find it to ask them for their time and wisdom. Feeling comfortable with vulnerability, or at least acknowledging vulnerabilities, and having a support system are the prerequisites for using your care-soliciting instincts. With these in place, it is easier for you to evoke your nurture me instinct, and you then have another evolutionary tool of success at your disposal. How often do you care solicit to protect yourself? Rarely, I bet is your answer. Because those people who can practice their evolutionary tools in a wide variety of ways and in multiple contexts are going to be the most successful, it's best for you to evoke your care soliciting broadly--in the context of yourself, your partner, your family, and your profession. I'll help you get the knack of care soliciting by providing some examples and applications of when and how to care solicit in some common scenarios. You will see that in each case, despite that asking for help increases the chances for success, we seldom do it, even when how we would care solicit and who we would call is obvious. Care Soliciting Helps Take the Weight Off Numerous studies show that the majority of us have health vulnerabilities. What are yours? In both community and college student samples, we have found that the presence of intimacy strivings, generativity strivings, and spiritual strivings within a person's goal hierarchy predict greater SWB, particularly higher positive affect. Conversely, power strivings tend to be associated with lower levels of SWB (Emmons, 1991), especially with higher levels of negative affect. In each case, we examine the proportion of striving in that category relative to the total number of strivings generated.