For example, I forgot my neighbor's name. My difficulty accepting my mistake kept me mired in self-judgment, condemning me to feel bad rather than to change my behavior. It was only when I accepted my inadequacy that I could consider strategies that allowed me to manage it. Eventually, I found a helpful practice: hitching names to associations. Refusing to see the other person's perspective by minimization or disengagement is another form of stonewalling. Emotional withholding. When a person withholds love and affection in order to communicate anger, they are being emotionally withholding, which creates a great deal of anxiety in the victim, as it plays into our human fears of rejection, abandonment, and unworthiness of love. When the victim confronts the abuser, the abuser deflects attention from themselves by twisting facts around in order to place blame or responsibility onto the victim. They then demand an apology to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Bouts of intense rage and fury without obvious or rational cause can create a great amount of fear and uncertainty in the victim. Intense rage episodes are shocking and startling for everyone. The aim of twisting is to force the victim into silence and compliance. Trivializing accomplishments. Emotional abusers need to feel dominant and superior in order to cope with their deep-seated feelings of inferiority, shame, and envy. The person who is to carry on therapy needs security within himself, and this may come in part from having thought through some of the basic questions regarding human life, and having formulated tentative but personally meaningful answers. Security in one's self is certainly not gained through courses about philosophy, but may come through courses in philosophy, education, or religion in which the effort is made to face up to the deep questions of existence, and the opportunity given to the student to clarify his own thinking. The experience of personal therapy is, as has been mentioned, a valuable experience for the student. Whether it should precede formal training in therapy, or be concomitant with it, seems to be a matter of little consequence. In the writer's opinion, the time when it comes should rest upon the needs of the student. It does not seem consistent with the whole viewpoint of client-centered therapy to require individual therapy of the trainee.

Rather, opportunities for personal therapy should be available, to be utilized when the student feels the need. When he makes further steps in his own experience in providing therapy for others, it is quite possible that he may wish further help for himself. It is certainly desirable that the student should have a deep knowledge of the dynamics of personality, and should have thought significantly about problems in this field. If his knowledge is simply a matter of labels and abstractions which may be applied to individual behavior, it will have little value. I now make it a practice to repeat someone's name when I'm first introduced and mentally link the name to a descriptive word starting with the same letter. Let me prime you: How about Lovable Lindo instead? SHAME AVOIDANCE Shame hurts, so we want to escape the feeling. Shame can make me want to hide away by myself and disappear. I want to avoid returning phone calls, back out of social plans, or call in sick to work. Some people's shame stops them from leaving the house altogether. For years, I worked with a virtual assistant. She knew all sorts of personal details about me and took care of so many daily needs that I grew to depend on her as a partner and almost a friend. That's why I was so sad to realize I would never meet her. Tactics of trivializing others' accomplishments include mockery, belittling goals, ignoring accomplishments, and finding ways to sabotage another from achieving their own accomplishments. Next, let's consider the problem of making fake connections in the digital age. Meet Jessie For the past two and a half years, Jessie has been carrying on a secret virtual relationship via texting with Steve, a fellow nurse she met at her last job. Jessie and her husband have since moved to another state, and Jessie has not seen Steve for several years. I know this sounds messed up, Jessie exclaimed in session one day, but I feel Steve really knows me--in fact even more so than my own husband.

Our virtual relationship feels really intimate. Jessie and her husband, Kevin, have been married for a little over five years, and they have a two-year-old son. I haven't actually seen Steve since I stopped working, and that was three years ago, so it's confusing how I can feel so close to him. I know it's wrong, and I know that if I continue this `virtual affair' it will ruin my marriage. Again it is the empathic and experiential aspect which is important. Such knowledge is perhaps best gained in clinical work in which there is a desire to understand and learn from each client. Through such work a more and more meaningful grasp of personality dynamics is internalized. It may also be gained through courses or through articles. While many of the latter convey only intellectualized and sterile abstractions regarding human behavior, some are more or less successful in serving as a medium by which the motivations and behavior of one person can be empathically re-experienced by another. At a simple and popular level this is achieved by Travis and Baruch's article, Personal Problems of Everyday Living (219). At quite another level it seems to be achieved by Reik's Listening with the Third Ear (161). The net effect of presentations such as these is not to give the student a catalogue knowledge of repression, neurotic behaviors, conflict, regression, and the like, but to give him a more sensitized feeling for these behaviors in himself and in others. It is this sort of understanding of personality dynamics which is a valuable preparation for training in therapy. If the student expects to contribute to the advancement of the field of therapy as well as to practice psychotherapy, then a knowledge of research design, of scientific methodology, and of psychological theory is valuable. Every time I visited her town and arranged to meet, she would cancel. I suspect her body shame was so intense it overrode her strong desire to meet me. I'm told by many fat friends that body shame has all too often kept them behind closed doors. Of course, body shame is not unique to fat people, and many people fear leaving the house and exposing themselves, even without that added layer of cultural approbation. THE BIOLOGY OF SHAME The discomfort of shame triggers our protective sympathetic nervous system, taking the prefrontal cortex (the thinking brain) offline and letting the limbic system (the emotional brain) run wild.

Your response is thus unlikely to be rational. Our fight response, when triggered, may make us angry about the person or situation that shamed us. Our flight response may make us want to disappear. If our response is to freeze, particularly in traumatic situations in which we lack power, we may feel trapped. I just don't know how to stop it! A striking aspect of Jessie's relationship with Steve is that it all takes place virtually--only by text. Yet this reality doesn't seem to affect Jessie's feelings for Steve. The fact that Jessie hasn't actually been in Steve's physical presence hasn't affected her emotional connection with or longing for Steve. Our digital experiences, interactions, and relationships can cultivate a unique feeling of what psychologists refer to as social presence. Social presence is a feeling--one that is not always accurate or genuine--of emotional closeness and intimacy with another individual from afar. But there is another side to the social-presence phenomenon that does not engender emotional intimacy: since the digital age allows us to live an edited life, we can choose when to view and reply to messages at our own convenience or simply whenever we feel like it. In addition, the experience of social presence--that is, feeling emotionally attuned and emotionally intimate to a person through texting--doesn't mean our experience is real. After all, how do we really know anything when we can't see, feel, and touch another? Furthermore, computer-mediated communication, like texting, WhatsApp, or iMessage, can inhibit our ability to develop emotional intimacy, because CMC, as it is known, is what scholars refer to as asynchronous communication. As we try to view the situation objectively, it does not seem possible to say that such training makes it easier to become a therapist, or makes the individual a more effective therapist. It does appear, however, that such background is useful in the testing of hypotheses which are implicit in therapy, in the creative and productive formulation of new directions and hypotheses in the field, and in the construction of theories of therapy. Perhaps the most significant effect of learning in these fields is the basic security which it gives to the therapist in the relinquishment of doctrines he has thought true. It has been very noticeable in certain individuals and professional groups that outworn therapeutic dogmas are not given up. One of the reasons appears to be the lack of security as to what will take their place. If a dogma received from his teacher is questioned or there is evidence that it may be untrue, what is a therapist to do?

It is here that a thoroughgoing experience with scientific method is of value. For the person who has experienced a scientific approach to problems, the loss of some part of what he has regarded as the truth is not a catastrophe, since he has the tools for discovering new and more significant truth. It is as this attitude becomes thoroughly internalized in therapists that important advances will be made. In this list there are two significant omissions which perhaps deserve special comment. With our prefrontal cortex offline, we also think less clearly, leaving us believing that we are powerless and stuck because something is wrong with us. Reactive anger and defensiveness commonly tag along with shame as secondary emotions, often coming on so quickly we can't even recognize that shame underlies them. All we feel is the heat and aggression. All humans experience shame. Even babies display some of its recognizable tics--identifiable bodily changes like a lowering of the eyelids, lowering of the head from a reduction of muscle tone in the neck, and cocking the head in one direction. I recently witnessed a parent-child interaction in a busy restaurant, two tables over from mine. A baby was sitting in a high chair with a cup of milk in front of her. Her parents were engaged in conversation and not paying attention to her. The baby picked up her cup and spilled some of the milk. The spilled milk fascinated her, so she splashed some more, laughing as the milk spread and running her fingers through it with obvious joy. In the digital age, we get to choose when to view and when to reply to messages. It's no surprise to learn that asynchronous communications can leave us feeling emotionally distant and empty. This is especially so when relationships--like Jessie's relationship with Steve--are made up of mainly computer-mediated communication that's inconsistent and ambiguous, leading us to question whether or not there's anyone on the other end of our device. Back to Jessie Jessie was clear about the fact that she didn't want to end her marriage with Kevin. And Jessie was willing to examine the experiences from her past that were possibly influencing her current actions.