Other valued areas Example list of not-so-random acts of values and compassion Another way to bring compassion to the world is to send compassionate and caring intentions out to your fellow human beings and the world. Each tries to advance your interests in some way (even if sometimes it has the opposite effect). Some parts govern the way you handle practical tasks in your life. Some protect against external threats or internal pain. Some are open and friendly with people. Others hold unresolved fear or shame from your childhood. Some are performers; Some care for people, while others affect the way you feel about yourself. Implications for Arguments over Differing Emotional Realities So why does this matter for couples in conflict over different emotional realities? Simply put, the impasse you are experiencing may have less to do with deep philosophical differences than with certain parts of yourselves that are engaged in a power struggle. The month has just begun. Look, I'm learning fucking French this month. Andre was silent. I was silent. My boxing lesson starts in two minutes, I said, and hung up. Andre, April 9 I was completely sick of being immersed in this project day and night.

Thinking about it, feeling it, doing it all the time. As these thoughts swirled around me, I remembered some of the therapist's advice: Try to take a realistic perspective. I asked myself what is planned this month, and what actually needs to be done. Part V of this article, Rock Bottom Resilience, provides specific tools for dealing with emotional pain. We've all heard the phrase No pain no gain. A muscle gets bigger when we endure the pain of the workout. Pain is a gateway to strength. Enduring pain can make us stronger. Working through something with another person strengthens our relationships as well--we bond through pain and often say I feel closer to you now after we've shared a painful experience with someone. Of course, we know that too much pain, either emotional or physical, can break us. But when I'm channeling my fear of pain toward meaningful action, I can risk more, be more patient; I can thrive. Resilience is created when you face a fear. When you develop skills during your Unnecessary Creating time, you gradually find those same skills and experiences being unleashed in your on-demand creating. You are exercising parts of your mind that may otherwise begin to atrophy. Unfortunately, the adage use it or lose it is an accurate admonishment for creatives. You need to make certain that you're not neglecting key passion areas or skills in your life just because your on-demand role doesn't regularly require you to use them. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself.

--Alan Alda What should Unnecessary Creating time consist of? One technique is to keep all your potential projects in a Project Queue. Believe it or not, I can do both at the same time. The light switch flips on -- dazzling. Lucky me, I say, feeling the heat rush into my face and trying to act nonchalant. We start off at a trot and I can tell he's totally holding back. At first there is only the sound of the graveled track beneath our feet and the calls of the players out on the field. Luis runs silently beside me and waits, as if he knows I have something on my mind. So, I was thinking, I say after only a few steps. I'm breathing deeply out of my mouth, but I'm keeping up and I can still have a conversation without gasping for air. You know how you said that people collect memory things . My voice trails off, but I force myself to keep going. You can still potentially claim the deduction if you are one of multiple individuals who provided the support, as long as your share of the support was at least 10 percent of the care recipient's annual expenses. In addition, you may be eligible for a dependent care credit as long as the person you care for is unable to physically and mentally care for him- or herself. You may also be able to deduct medical and dental expenses that you paid for the individual if, together with your medical expenses, they exceed 7. If you are a single caregiver, you may be able to change your filing status to head of household, which will lower your rate of taxation and increase your standard deduction by several thousand dollars. There are also federal and state programs that may be able to provide help with the various costs associated with caring for someone at home. Agencies to consult with include the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS), which administers Medicare and Medicaid (for people with limited resources); LGBT CAREGIVING

While many of the challenges are the same for caregivers regardless of their sexual preference, there are issues of special significance to gay, bisexual, and transgender caregiving men. Gay and transgendered men often do not have the same familial supports to help them construct a caregiving team as they provide care for their partner or a friend. However, many of these men have developed social networks of friends, coworkers, and neighbors, often referred to as families of choice, who can assist. The following is an adapted version of an ancient practice that individuals have used to bring intentions of kindness, care, and appreciation to themselves and all living beings. It is similar to the Try This practice, Self-Compassion for Difficult Emotions, in article 2, but here, we direct lovingkindness and compassionate regard for others and the world around us. LOVINGKINDNESS MEDITATION For the following meditation, you can choose one person or many people to extend lovingkindness and compassionate intentions to. Don't forget that you are a fellow human being, too, so you can include yourself. Begin by closing your eyes and taking a few centering rhythmic breaths, bringing mindful awareness to each inhalation and each exhalation. Next, bring to mind the qualities of compassion, such as kindness, care, wisdom, and courage. Remember that this world is full of individuals who desire to be well and free from suffering, including you. All of us wish to feel loved, accepted, and cared for. When you are ready, begin to silently repeat the following phrases as you hold in your mind those you're sending compassion to. As Richard Schwartz puts it: The critical or hurtful things that loved ones say about us in arguments may not represent their `real' feelings, but instead may be the opinion of only one or two angry personalities within them, while a silent majority of other personalities may remain loving. Let's go back to Randy and Julia. Every time they get in an argument, Randy slips into a parental ego state (controlling parent) and Julia slips into a child ego state (adapted child). Most of the time, communication between a controlling parent and a rebellious child sets off an argument no matter what positions they take. So long as each of them is reacting to the other's ego state, it's very hard to judge whether their disagreement is based in deeply held beliefs or dug-in defensiveness. If they were able to communicate adult to adult, we might discover that they are not as far apart as it appears. Each of you may have a part of your personality that speaks as if it represents the total personality.

Other parts of you might feel very differently, but you'll never know it, because the subpersonality that is acting as spokesperson when you get in an argument is expressing only its own views, not those of the entire psyche. Another possibility is that the conflict is rooted in dynamics within your family systems. Perhaps -- for reasons that will require some psychological work to discover -- each person is responding to a burden or expectation put on them by their families of origin. I wrote out a list: Speakers' Corner, therapy, kick boxing, man camp, Paris. That seemed like a lot already. But still I couldn't help feeling like I wasn't doing enough. Why was this? I couldn't blame Carl for everything. I had to think about my own motivations. That was the only way to fix things. Carl, April 10 I opened the envelope with the Mensa logo stamped on the upper right corner. Test result: 35/45 You don't have to master these Big Six fears to access resilience--being able to battle them and live without any one fear governing you is what's significant. Each time you convert one of these six fears into fuel, it's like you're building a muscle. It gets stronger and stronger. The strength that can be developed when we don't freeze up from these fears is amazing to me! The ability to use any of these fears as fuel is a higher level of resilience. STAY IN THE FIGHT I want to touch on an important subject that I believe can't be left out of a article about resilience.