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And right now, Mia goes on, you're Blair Cunningham's favorite pity party. Jealousy does not look pretty, I think. I feel embarrassed for Mia. Her attitude makes her look desperate. But I can't help wondering if part of what she's saying is true. If Blair will eventually kick me to the curb. Does she know what everyone's saying about me online and simply doesn't care? Or will she be mortified to be seen with me when she finds out? So let's break it down a bit. Linehan explains that there are three parts to this wholehearted embrace of reality. First, we have to accept that our reality is what it is. Think about your life. Is there a reality that you might be denying? Are there any circumstances in your life that you are not accepting for what they are? Second, and hugely important, is to accept that the painful event or situation has a cause. Linehan explains, Accepting that every event has a cause is the opposite of saying why me. <a href=''>There</a> are things that cause things to be the way they are, even if the cause isn't clear to us. <a href=''>We</a> may not know what the cause is, ever. <a href=''>It</a> was a huge industry, with over $3,000 spent every second on pornography in the US. <a href=''>I</a> thought pornography was just a male thing, but apparently one third of porn viewers were women. <br /><br /><a href=''>Given</a> its vast popularity, I wondered whether taking up porn watching could help me on my quest to confront the issue of sex. <a href=''>To</a> find out, I logged on to Pornhub, one of the largest pornographic websites in the world. <a href=''>Each</a> year, users watched 92 billion videos for 4. <a href=''>The</a> first thing I saw were the eighty-five categories of porn. <a href=''>This</a> was what Emily Witt, in her article Future Sex, described as the most comprehensive visual repository of sexual fantasy in human history. <a href=''>Faced</a> with so many types of titillation, I felt overwhelmed by choice. <a href=''>There</a> were unlimited options, but I didn't understand the language. <a href=''>It</a> seemed that I was lacking the precise words to connect my own tastes with the seemingly infinite range of fantasies available. <a href=''>Even</a> worse, she might love the fact that I'm a target and she can rush in to be the savior. <a href=''>I'm</a> not trying to take your place, I say to Mia. <a href=''>You</a> think she pities me? <a href=''>Mia</a> practically spits out the words. <a href=''>I</a> glance around to see if anyone notices her raised voice. <a href=''>I</a> didn't say that. <a href=''>Blair</a> may think you're the next best thing, but you know what she's not good at? <a href=''>I</a> wait, because I'm sure she's going to tell me no matter what I say, the full cup of coffee growing cold in my cupped hands. <a href=''>Competition,</a> Mia says. <a href=''>You</a> think I'm trying to compete with Blair? <a href=''>But</a> even if we don't know what it is, we have to know that there is a cause. <a href=''>We</a> can't get hung up on constantly asking ourselves why. <br /><br /><a href=''>The</a> universe is not out to get you, even when that's what it feels like. <a href=''>The</a> third facet of radical acceptance is accepting that life can be worth living even with painful events in it. <a href=''>To</a> go from unendurable agony to endurable pain, you have to believe that you can build a life. <a href=''>Let</a> me be clear, though--acceptance does not equal approval. <a href=''>Sometimes</a> we think that if we radically accept something, it means we are condoning it. <a href=''>We</a> think acceptance means we're being passive or we're resigned. <a href=''>That</a> we're not standing up for ourselves. <a href=''>But</a> that's not it at all. <a href=''>I</a> did a quick calculation. <a href=''>If</a> I spent one Pomodoro of twenty-five minutes on each category, that would amount to roughly thirty-seven hours. <a href=''>An</a> entire working week of watching. <a href=''>Some</a> people might have relished that. <a href=''>It</a> sounded depressing, like watching daytime television for two days straight. <a href=''>And</a> besides, spending twenty-five minutes on each category was more than double the nine minutes and forty seconds the average British user spent on the site during each visit. <a href=''>The</a> first category I clicked on was British. <a href=''>The</a> main characters were taxi drivers, police officers, secretaries, and grannies. <a href=''>I</a> randomly picked a film. <a href=''>A</a> female taxi driver picks up a male passenger. <a href=''>My</a> voice is rising, but I can't stop now I've started. <a href=''>I</a> glance over to see Ross and the theater girl staring curiously in our direction. <br /><br /><a href=''>I</a> struggle to lower my voice. <a href=''>Queen</a> of the school? <a href=''>You</a> and Blair are just alike. <a href=''>Both</a> of you need to be the star. <a href=''>And</a> Blair doesn't like to be invisible. <a href=''>Nobody</a> does. <a href=''>A</a> commotion at the door is a welcome distraction. <a href=''>Emily</a> and Raylene burst into the cafe, busy as hummingbirds around a bird feeder. <a href=''>This</a> third aspect is about realizing that there are positive things in your life, even in the bad times, that make it worth fighting through problems and staying resilient. <a href=''>If</a> you find yourself in one, do everything in your power to get out. <a href=''>So</a> here's the deal--if you want to change something, you have to accept it first. <a href=''>Denial</a> or anger or resistance won't effect any sort of change. <a href=''>It'll</a> actually make you physically sick and tense. <a href=''>Acceptance</a> followed by action is how you make effective changes in your life. <a href=''>Alcoholics</a> Anonymous has known this since its inception in the 1930s. <a href=''>You've</a> probably heard of the Serenity Prayer, recited at the close of each meeting by all members: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; <a href=''>Also</a> consider step 1 of AA: We admitted [or radically accepted] we were powerless over our addiction--that our lives had become unmanageable. <a href=''>Finally,</a> it's important to realize that we must practice radical acceptance every single day. <a href=''>They</a> talk about the weather. <a href=''>What</a> could be more British? <br /><br /><a href=''>After</a> some more small talk about his policeman's truncheon, the film cuts to a parking lot. <a href=''>Inside</a> the car, she strokes his penis, then sucks it, then they have sex in various positions. <a href=''>The</a> whole thing climaxes as he masturbates and she holds open her mouth, as if she's about to swallow a dose of disgusting medicine. <a href=''>The</a> film finished with the woman gargling his semen like mouthwash. <a href=''>I</a> had only been watching for half an hour, but I was already bored. <a href=''>With</a> a sense of stoic duty, I moved on to the next category. <a href=''>In</a> the week that followed, I watched types of porn that I had no idea existed: mature, MILF, for women, grannies, cartoons, 60FPS, Asian, Amateur, Arab--to name just a few. <a href=''>Later</a> I discovered that the most popular categories on Pornhub in the UK were lesbian, teen, and MILF. <a href=''>Fighting</a> for position, and in constant fluttery motion. <a href=''>The</a> bird feeder, and the object of their adoration, is Blair. <a href=''>Blair</a> waves in our general direction. <a href=''>Then</a> she and her hummingbirds flutter over to talk to Ross, giving me enough time to regain my composure. <a href=''>Raylene</a> gives me a quick thumbs-up sign from behind Blair's back, and I wonder how she became a member of this little group. <a href=''>It's</a> definitely a step up in social status. <a href=''>Mia</a> must have wondered the same thing because the minute they all land at our table, she asks, What's she doing here? <a href=''>I'm</a> just happy to have anything interrupt our conversation, but my hands still tremble with anger. <a href=''>I</a> tuck them under my legs so no one can see. <a href=''>She</a> was outside, Emily says. <a href=''>This</a> is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at, says Linehan. <a href=''>There's</a> not going to be a day when you can say,Alright, I've got it;