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Furthermore, this policy simply evades the difficult and controversial question as to whether students should be given training in therapy as part of a master's degree program. Without taking sides on this issue, it appears to the faculty involved in this program that it is more crucial at the present time to educate therapists at the doctoral level. There are usually more students who apply for entrance into the sequence than can be accepted. The applicants fill out a rather extensive blank which helps in making the choice. I appreciated that CJ shared my gender nonconformity. Yet, ironically, she also triggered my discomfort in my gender expression. These were different times, when it was more popular in lesbian culture to reinforce a gender binary, with women in couples assuming butch and femme roles. Those roles never appealed to me--I was more attracted to people who, like me, didn't gender-conform--but these roles mattered to CJ. Failing to be the femme girl of her fantasies flowed into my recurring river of shame. Not being appreciated for my gender identity felt all too familiar--how ironic that I was now facing it from someone who had a similar experience! It was also triggering to witness CJ being seen for her masculinity where mine felt invisible. I was more adept at passing (for a girl), even if I didn't want to. But it also helped me see how much more easily I could navigate the world if my gender identity remained less visible or threatening. CJ, by contrast, struggled to find a job where she was fairly compensated for her talents and treated with respect. It influences how well we're able to relate to others and regulate our emotions, our cognition, and our behaviors. And, as we're learning, our attachment style also impacts how we use social media, why we use social media, and what we hope to gain from it. For example, does social media enhance our relationships, or does it cause more emotional distress, bringing about conflicts or disagreements played out online? Have you ever tried quitting social media by deactivating your accounts or ever tried going on a detox diet because of a social-media influencer's impact on you? Finding emotionally safe digital spaces and striking a healthy balance in the digital age is challenging, and our attachment style likely has something to do with how successful we will be with finding emotional safety in the digital era. Below are a few recommendations to help you find balance and psychological safety in the digital age through the lens of attachment.

Recommendations Figure out your attachment style. You can start by examining how you feel in your relationships. For example, do you feel secure with others? The reason for this item is expediency. We prefer to have students who have training in psychometrics, vocational guidance, teaching, religious work, or some other function aside from counseling, since it improves the possibility of placement. For the nonmedical therapist today, most positions demand a double type of functioning -- testing and counseling, teaching and therapy, and the like. Also, this requirement tends to reduce the number of applicants who wish to enter the sequence primarily because they see it as a way of gaining help with their own problems. The First Course The first course has been called Principles of Adjustment Counseling. We have come more and more to look upon this course as an opportunity for the student to formulate the basic issues and basic attitudes upon which he will build his own therapeutic work. At its best it is not an attempt to indoctrinate in any particular therapeutic orientation, and it is certainly not aimed at a mere intellectual comprehension of the facts or principles of therapy. It is intended rather as an experience which moves one toward a deeper integration in regard to therapy. To this end, the course is handled in the learner-centered fashion described in the previous article. Gender nonconformity--like most marginalized ways of being--often translates to lower pay, greater stress, and higher allostatic load, along with other associated maladies. Twenty years after we split up, I decided to track her down. I came to learn that she--he--had medically transitioned and now went by the name Connor. It made so much sense. I was stunned that I had never imagined that as a possibility when we were together. I attribute this in large part to a lack of trans role models, especially transmasculine people;

I just couldn't imagine trans at the time. I found an online interview where Connor recounted a memory of eating out with my parents. My father, who had a problem with Connor's masculine presentation, said, It's okay that you're gay, but do you have to dress like a man? Can't you wear some nice slacks or a skirt once in a while? Do you fear being rejected by those close to you? Are you preoccupied with how others perceive you? Do you view yourself as more of a solitary person, not needing close connections? Remember, securely attached individuals feel safe and Anxiously attached individuals are preoccupied with how others perceive them and seek out reassurance from others. Avoidantly attached individuals downplay the importance of relationships. Having a better understanding of your attachment style is the first step to finding a safe space both online and offline. When you find yourself using social media, ask yourself, Why am I doing this? Is it because you're feeling sad, bored, or lonely? Or is it to connect with friends and family? The student is given the experience of responsibility for himself, and the experience of being understood and accepted as he reacts both negatively and positively to this new type of course. Gradually the instructional staff has learned (for any worth-while teaching is largely learning for the instructor) that it is safe to rely upon the group, and that the members are capable of taking responsibility. One of the basic problems of the instructor is to make resources available -- not only in the physical sense, but psychologically available. As one resource, we have found indispensable a shelf of reading materials -- articles on all viewpoints in therapy, journals, bibliographies on therapy and related topics, reprints, recent studies (especially those as yet unpublished), significant papers turned in by members of previous classes or of this class, verbatim transcribed cases and interviews from our own and other orientations. To have such material readily within reach makes it possible for the student to pursue even a fleeting interest in a specific topic with a maximum of ease. The unpublished studies and tentative drafts of manuscripts for publication help to give him a sense of knowledge in the making, of being a part of a cutting edge which extends into the future.

Another resource is the opportunity for listening to recordings. Some of this can be done in class, but there should be ample opportunity outside. To listen thoughtfully to the ways in which different therapists handle problems in the interview, to recognize how clearly the therapist's basic attitudes show through his words -- these are significant means of learning. Still another resource is the opportunity for ample contact with staff members carrying on therapy. Connor walked out of the restaurant that night. I was livid, he told the interviewer, recalling that it was the first time he ever really stood up for himself, simply by walking out of the restaurant. He describes that as the pivotal moment where he realized he was trans. I, too, remember that scene, though I didn't understand its significance for Connor at the time, and he didn't name it. For me, with my lifelong experience of hearing such remarks from my family, it stood out as the first time I'd seen them directed at someone I loved. I remember feeling glad CJ walked out, setting the boundaries with my parents I had never managed. It had never even occurred to me to walk out. I had assumed bearing it was my only option. I realize in retrospect that although I had been accepting of his masculinity as a butch woman, I hadn't seen him as a man--which meant I wasn't seeing him. He, too, was not able to see my genderqueer identity showing up. Once you determine what you are looking for, you can then set realistic goals for what kind of role social media will play in forming relationships and you can make sure you're not using it in a self-sabotaging way. Remember, our attachments are primarily formed by our in- Seek professional help if your attachment style is causing you emotional harm and your relationships to suffer. It's estimated that only 60 percent of adults are securely attached. Our attachment styles affect everything relational in our lives, from the partners we choose to how well every relationship we have will progress and even how they will end. Talking to a mental-health professional can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in the context of attachment so we can develop healthier relationships.

Attributed to John Bowlby. In 2005 Bowlby wrote, All of us, from the cradle to the grave, are happiest when life is organized as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figure(s). John Bowlby, A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory (London: Routledge, 2005), 69. Deloitte, 2018 Global Mobile Consumer Survey: US Edition; The chance to gain personal therapy is one such opportunity, and is made as psychologically available as possible. It is frankly available as help, not simply as a didactic experience. There is also the attempt to let it be known that staff members are willing to consult with students about practical, theoretical, or research issues which the student is meeting. Observation is an exceedingly important resource. Sometimes it is possible to obtain a client's permission so that one or more interviews may be observed by a group. This occurs rarely, but provides a very valuable experience for students. Usually a member of the group is willing to discuss with a counselor some adjustment problem of his own, as the group looks on. While such a discussion illustrates only the very beginning of a therapeutic relationship, it often is a highly significant and real experience. Observation of play-therapy contacts can usually be arranged, and the ethical problems involved are somewhat less complex. And since we have a one-way vision observation room next to the playroom, the physical problem is a very simple one. It pains me to think of the two of us back then, together but alone, without the awareness that would have allowed us to have this conversation. I learned that Connor died of breast cancer. How ironic that the breasts that were so painful to him when he was alive eventually played a role in his death. In a similar vein, more recently, I was contacted by a friend from college. We hadn't been in touch in the thirty-plus years since graduation, until this email: Hi, Diana here, but you knew me as Doug. The email went on to recount memories of our college days.