Date Tags help

I went back to work eight weeks after the baby came. I remember the utter exhaustion of sleeping for three hours, going to work, then running home to nurse, cook meals, and start the routine all over again. Every night my husband would drag me out of one of our children's bedrooms so I could fall asleep in my own bed, until the next cry woke me up. I was haggard. I felt I had to sacrifice myself temporarily to have it all. One morning, four months after my third child was born, I woke up to the baby's cry and I couldn't move my right shoulder. It was red and hot. I ignored it and figured it was a trauma I couldn't remember. There just aren't any good jobs out there for my field. It's not even worth trying to look for them. Things have just been really hard and I just can't find the time to care about my fitness. Man, I'd love to read articles again. That would be nice. We can think of a thousand reasons why we're not where we want to be. We can easily jump back into our boxes, as Leadership and Self-Deception would say(see article 102), and convince ourselves of anything. We look at the insanity of these obsessed people and say, Who do they think they are? We'll do anything to make sure our self-serving bias stays intact. Because, obsession is weird. As you are considering whether any of your behaviors could also be addictive, know that addicts most often have significant underlying trauma and codependency issues. Traits common to both the partner and addict include:

I was so afraid of conflict. I was the peacekeeper type of guy. Peace at all costs--peace at work, peace with my wife--and I always felt inadequate, like I was never good enough. But I had my secrets. I would pay for women to do whatever I wanted. A lot of the time I had no expectations from them, I just wanted their attention. I wasn't scared, and it was easier for me to perform sexually because they were strangers; A household in which family members internalize their shame-based beliefs frequently trains a child to seek the approval of others, an approval he cannot give himself. Three days later, my left fourth finger was red and hot. I started having trouble buttoning the kids' clothes. A day later, I felt like glass shards were piercing the bottoms of my feet. I still ignored the pain. I started taking the elevator at work because my feet hurt too badly to climb the stairs and I couldn't bend my knees. After about a week, I knew that something was really wrong. I recall the day vividly, almost as if it was a dream. The alarm went off at 5:30 a. I remember feeling exhausted in my bones. I could barely get out of bed. It's the kid who loves his guitar so much that he doesn't go out to parties during high school. It's the girl who wasn't the most popular or beautiful, but she's a wizard with video games.

It's the athlete who makes no friends on the court, but is the silent killer who drills 3-pointers all day, every day. It's the guy who's so funny that he literally isn't good at anything else. These people are weird, because they aren't like most people. The sad part is many of us likely had these remarkable quirks and traits, but because being obsessed is weird, these traits were stuffed down, unable to thrive. Most people tried many things growing up and never mastered anything. Most people work at a job, make an annual salary that moderately satisfies them and that's it. Most people like to dream about how things could get better, but, when they see the guy who's closing all of the deals every month, they secretly hate him. Most women secretly hate the girl who turned her lackluster physique into the dream body, because again, misery loves company. Because of this the child becomes dependent on the positive response and praise of others to feel good about who he is. Both addicts and partners seek what is called outer esteem, which is esteem through others. They have not learned to internalize self-worth and value so they are in a perpetual state of looking for affirmation and validation. While women tend to seek outer esteem through their people pleasing, image management, and relationships, the sex addict comes to believe the only way to feel approval is through sexual activity. How much sex he scores, how many secrets he can get away with, how large his pornography collection is, how great he looks, and how much attention he can solicit--all are delusional ways to temporarily fill the emotional void. The following story illustrates more fully the duality of codependency and addiction for a sex addict. It is also a reminder that much of what is identified to be codependent is in fact a trauma response. As said earlier in the article, codependency refers to the beliefs and behaviors learned in one's growing-up years, emotional and behavioral responses to traumatic stress. By the time I was a teenager I was really angry, quietly angry. No matter what I did, the message I got from my father was that I wasn't good enough, and my mom was like a ghost: emotionally and mentally nonexistent. I hobbled down the stairs to let the dog out, but my feet were worse than ever. The glass kept cutting my feet.

I made it downstairs, but I could barely open the door to let the dog out. Then the baby cried. I started to run up the stairs on impulse, so as not to let the other children wake with the noise, but I couldn't get there. I couldn't run. Every bone in my body burned. I couldn't climb the stairs to reach her. I can still taste the salt in my mouth from my tears as I crawled up the stairs. I remember reaching her crib but not being able to lift her out. Most guys beat themselves up with terrible self-talk about how they can't seem to convince any women to go on a first date, let alone other dates. Most people have problems that they can't imagine getting out from under. When most people see that, after five years, someone was able to pay off their student loans, they secretly mutter to themselves, They probably had someone help them with that. There's no way they did that on their own. This helps explain why half of all Americans don't have more than $500 saved. That's why 70% of people hate their jobs. That's why you hear people talk about how good it was to be a kid. You think any of these star-studded individuals would want to just be kids again? It's a lot of pressure and attention to be on the top of their game. They chose to obsessively work toward a goal more than others, and longer than others, until they reached the goal. My father would rage at us kids and Mom would have this look on her face as if it was just something interesting. I would get violent spankings from my father.

I was an impressionable kid who, like most kids, just wanted to be loved. Today I am quite sure my father had affairs. People have told me they saw him with other women. And one person told me that when we were kids she saw an article about him being arrested for something of a sexual nature. My dad was abandoned young and had to go to work to support himself. He had a strong work ethic, and that was a positive trait I got from him. Mostly I feared him and our relationship was very poor due to his outbursts of temper, being unpredictable, and periodically drinking too much. My mom never knew what she wanted and would never directly make a statement. It was then, as I lay on the floor crying so that my husband had to pick up the baby and give her to me, that I realized I was in real trouble. Two weeks later, I had a diagnosis of severe rheumatoid arthritis (RA). My rheumatologist looked at my inflammatory markers and told me that my prognosis would be a severe, debilitating course if I didn't begin advanced therapy immediately. After my first meeting, I was fairly sure that I would no longer be able to practice cardiology. All of the pictures from medical school of advanced RA came flooding back. The baby was now five months old and I was nursing. My rheumatologist told me to stop nursing as soon as possible, because he was very concerned about the destructive signs that my lab markers portended and about how symptomatic I was. He wanted me on drugs within one week. So I followed his advice. I stopped nursing my baby. They destroyed any other ideas of what they wanted to do and dove headfirst into their particular craft. Are you seeing this now?