This can be a virtuous circle of increasing rapport and empathy or a downward spiral of fewer and fewer productive behaviours. This process occurs quickly, often outside our conscious control. However, if we pause to think, we can choose our response. Knowing about the styles is a shortcut to appreciating what might be going on for someone and responding to it more appropriately. We have already seen that there is a correlation between the physical energy displayed and the inner drives of that behaviour. And I myself believe that the period which stands, so to speak, on the edge of the roof, possesses pleasures of its own. Or else the very fact of our not wanting pleasures has taken the place of the pleasures themselves. How comforting it is to have tired out one's appetites, and to have done with them! Carstensen quotes the Rabbi Joshua L. Liebman to similar effect: I often feel that death is not the enemy of life, but its friend, for it is the knowledge that our years are limited which makes them so precious. Old age had forced this knowledge on the elders, some more willingly than others. But surely it is a perspective we don't have to be old to adopt. We just need to choose it. I had six people willing to teach me a happier way to look at life--mine as well as theirs. I had nothing to lose but the stories I already knew. Do you identify at all with her story so far? We have already seen that young Eleanor craved her mother's approval and persistently sought comfort in her company--yes, even though Anna Hall Roosevelt was all too often no better than your average volleyball. Observe: anxiously attached children never give up, even on objects that yield only the most intermittent and occasionally inadequate reinforcement. Eleanor was, in fact, the rat pressing the bar for the rest of her long life. Wrote Eleanor in her autobiography: Attention and admiration were the things through all my childhood which I wanted, because I was made to feel so conscious of the fact that nothing about me would attract attention or would bring me admiration.

So Eleanor was left with the scar that she shares with all anxiously attached kids. Says Cook, Her mother's disapproval dominated Eleanor's childhood, and permanently affected her self-image. With her mother's death, she became an outsider, always expecting betrayal and abandonment. But even at eight, she was fiercely proud, determined to prove herself courageous, caring, and worthy of love. For the rest of her life, her actions were in part an answer to her mother. This one is definitely in the top five. (And definitely in the top three Al-Pacino-gives-a-long-speech-in-a-movie's-third-act speeches. ) To give you some backstory, Pacino's character is a football team coach. They're at the equivalent of the Super Bowl. And it's halftime and they are doing awful. Pacino's character is also doing awful in his personal life. Everything is bad. Just like how I felt! What fun. At one point, Pacino's character says, We're in hell right now, gentlemen. So, if we see someone rushing around, speaking and moving quickly, using chopping hand gestures, this might indicate that they have the mobiliser energy and are being driven by an urgent need to accomplish something. An appropriate response in this situation might be to also start moving and speaking quickly, to show that you appreciate the urgency of the situation. Similarly, if we see someone looking intense and serious, moving deliberately, using pressing and pointing gestures, speaking at a measured pace, this might indicate that they have the navigator energy and are being driven by a pressing need to anticipate. An appropriate response in this situation might be to slow down your own speech, listen to what they have to say and acknowledge the need for an agreed course of action. If we see someone speaking enthusiastically with expressive gestures, engaging people and pulling them in, then it is likely they have the energiser energy and are being driven by an urgent need to involve others.

Here, an appropriate response would be to respond with enthusiasm, nodding agreement, and building on their ideas. Finally, if we see someone looking calm with an open body posture, touching things lightly and speaking quietly, then it is likely that they have the synthesiser energy and are being driven by a pressing need to integrate information. An appropriate response would be to give them time, to listen to them, to answer their questions and to keep options open. Becoming more aware of others We pick up cues all the time about other people, often without being consciously aware. Helen and Howie were a story that kept surprising. Twenty-one years apart in age, different in temperament, they proclaimed their devotion to each other as if it were the prime accomplishment of their late years. Yet talking to the two of them together was often like holding two conversations at once, one with Helen and one with Howie, surreally disconnected. They didn't complete each other's sentences so much as wait until the other one stopped talking, then shoot off in another direction. Except when they didn't wait. That winter, I was marking one year together with a woman I'd met through work, my first new relationship since 1980. She was from Kentucky and worked way too hard. It had taken some prodding from the crew at the dog run to get me to ask her to the opera, and even then, neither of us knew whether our first date was a date. Perhaps I hadn't phrased the question so well. I was living alone in a large apartment that I couldn't afford on my own, still married, trying to figure out what love should be in middle age. If she were really good, then perhaps nobody else would leave her, and people would see the love in her heart. 8 But now the astonishing part of the story: Eleanor Roosevelt matured into one of the most powerful and impressive women of her era. Indeed, during World War II, she became the virtual mother of the country--a container for the suffering and the high aspirations of an entire nation. Where did her inner resources come from?

Where, how, and from whom did she acquire her inner sense of security? In whose arms did she feel safely held and soothed, contained, and held together? In whose presence did she become unified? Here's the story: Help came in the form of one remarkably brief experience of non-abandoning love and secure attachment. It came in the form of a two-year relationship with a surrogate mother figure, who befriended Eleanor between her fifteenth and eighteenth birthdays--and who, after those intense two years, she never saw again. Believe me. Dunno if you've ever started to cry your heart out about two miles from the finish line of a half marathon, but it makes it hard to breathe. I listened to Papa Pacino's words of wisdom, as written by John Logan, Daniel Pyne, and Oliver Stone, and they gave me strength. My tears turned into strength. (Also, FYI, emotions are good to have. ) All of that combined and made me power through. I decided I would run the final two miles nonstop. But when I had half a mile to go, everything in my tank was gone. I unleashed my final weapon, the only thing that could possibly save me: Bill Conti's Going the Distance. Earlier in the week, I had watched the first Rocky movie for the first time in probably a decade. Making this process more conscious means that we are more likely to interpret the cues correctly and respond skilfully, rather than responding automatically without conscious thought. We can improve our skills in picking up on others' behaviour through practice. When you interact with someone, pay attention to their energy and to your response. Do you feel in sync with them or disconnected? If you feel disconnected, you might need to adapt your style to build rapport.

Remember that you can choose to go into' a different energy. <a href=''>Starting</a> a new interaction in a neutral energy gives you the choice of going up or down a gear, depending on your perceptions of the other person. <a href=''>You</a> can shift towards an initiating style by picking up the pace of your speech and movement, or shift towards a responding style by slowing down a little and taking time. <a href=''>This</a> will help to build rapport. <a href=''>Another</a> way to connect with others is to take their perspective. <a href=''>So</a> far it was slower to catch fire, certainly, but also less freighted with expectations. <a href=''>We</a> didn't fight, which was new to me. <a href=''>We</a> also didn't need much from each other, so whatever we got was free money. <a href=''>If</a> the elders were a guide, I had another thirty or forty years in front of me; <a href=''>I</a> tried to imagine what I wanted in a companion, or what I had to offer one. <a href=''>It's</a> a different kind of love, Helen said one day in her room, beaming at Howie. <a href=''>He</a> was wearing an enameled copper pendant that she had made for him, and she wore a pin that he had made for her. <a href=''>The</a> second time around is better, she said. <a href=''>It's</a> closer. <a href=''>Like</a> sometimes Howie doesn't like what I'm watching on television, he goes next door to his room, and when it's over I call him up and say,Come on home. This is the best part of the story. But before I tell it, let's examine the rest of Bowlby's description of the forms of insecure attachment. This will give us some helpful perspective from which to view Eleanor's dilemma--and our own. 9 Bowlby next observed a more severe form of attachment suffering that he came to call avoidant attachment.