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It works on full subway cars too). If I'd had to go home and change, those extra few minutes would have made my workout a nonstarter. When you're getting dressed, be conscious about the intention you're setting for the day you want to create. If baggy sweats and oversized T-shirts are your daily garb, ask yourself if this is in alignment with your intention for your days, which become your life. When I was young I felt constantly judged by my mother; I felt unloved, alone, and abused. I spent years doing inner child work and trying to heal my abusive childhood. Then I recapitulated my past. Once I did that I could see very clearly that my mother was saying I love you yet I was hearing there is something wrong with you because of my filters. I could see how even as a child I was creating my experience of reality with my filter system. Now as I look back on my childhood I can see my mother's perplexed face. I remember her saying I am just trying to help you. She was saying I love you the only way she knew how, yet I couldn't hear it when she said it that way. I imagine she couldn't hear I love you the way I said it either. Brendan and his family called Mom and visited regularly. Their times together were fun and had a different quality than previous visits. Before, Mom had spent most of her time talking about her loneliness. Now she had stories to tell about her church and volunteer work, and she expressed more interest in their lives. The kids loved to bring their school drawings and crafts to Grandma. The change made Brendan want to visit more often, as he no longer felt under the weight of being Mom's life preserver.

As Mom grew older, she seemed to reverse the aging process. She began traveling, tried new hobbies, and kept making new friends. In this vein, she became a more interesting person to Brendan. He didn't realize they had so much in common. I advocate new paradigms for loving. It's unreasonable to attempt to squash our differing sensibilities into a one-size-fits-all relationship model. No wonder more than half of married couples divorce. What I'm suggesting is a new kind of conversation. Initially it may feel awkward or risky to raise these topics. But, if you do so tactfully--not making your partner wrong, just expressing your energetic needs--you'll have a chance at building an extraordinary relationship. MAP THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LONELINESS AND CONNECTION One truth that all current psychotherapeutic modalities agree on, despite their often contentious rivalries, is the healing power of meaningful connections. The sense that you're seen, heard, and appreciated is fundamental to mental health. Such rapport between us--the part of me that connects with a part of you and vice versa--allays loneliness. That night, I intended to dazzle my husband and his associates at our fancy event. How did I dress? I started with my slinky new python-skin stilettos, that's for sure. How do you get what you want? There are lots of ways to get what you want. One way is to give it to yourself.

Then you get exactly what you want. No mistakes. I tried another way this Mother's Day. Specifically. We came together to learn how to say I love you and we missed the mark. Recapitulation can set you free from your filters, or at least allow you to see them more clearly. I hated giving up my mother as my scapegoat but I eventually had to if I wanted to be happy and free. REVIEW YOUR JOURNEY Thus far, what have you found most valuable in this article? Recapitulation will assist you in emptying your cup so that you can fill it with new versions of your memories. If you take the time to thoroughly recapitulate your life, you'll find yourself with boundless energy to create yourself anew. The Toltec Mastery of Transformation helps us to view our personal histories clearly and to reshape them so that we can act as we choose, rather than react to old triggers. One method of releasing our past is known as tracking. Tracking isn't a purely intellectual pursuit. These growing up years, for both of them, were good ones. we've worked through the six mothering types and the attendant problems and solutions. We hope that if you've seen yourself in at least one of these types, you are now able to follow the tasks involved in developing what you didn't get the first time around. In the next section, we will look at the special problems men and then women face in their mother issues. For Women Only Robin and her boyfriend Toby were at it again: Interminable Argument #25.

It was like a finely scripted play in which both actors know their lines, the movement of the acts, and especially how the play will end. Argument #25 was always about Robin's mom, and both she and Toby always said the same things to each other. They were deeply in love and moving toward marriage, but this one argument always tended to muddy the waters for a few days. Robin just couldn't say no to her mom, and Toby couldn't understand her difficulty. Whether it lasts a moment or a lifetime, these exchanges add up to feeling like a part of humanity and the world. Freudians believe loneliness stems from an infant's unresolved separation anxiety from the mother; Jung says it's being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself. But for every therapist, regardless of philosophy, our credo is to guide patients in attaining satisfying bonds with others, to give and receive love. The need for nurturing seems so basic, but if you read a child care manual seventy years ago, you'd be appalled at what passed for conventional psychological wisdom. In the 1940s John Watson, president of the American Psychological Association, warned, When you're tempted to pet your child, remember that mother love is a dangerous instrument. He also suggested that mothers put their kids to bed with a proper handshake. Such behaviorists believed that anything more than minimal affection would produce a weepy, dependent child and that rocking an infant was a vicious practice. Therefore mothers needn't breast-feed or frequently visit hospitalized infants; Watson even proposed a future where babies would be removed from parents at birth and raised on farms away from corrupting maternal influence. I even sent him the link to the exact supplier I love. And guess what? Mother's Day morning, breakfast in bed. Squeals of delight. The exact beeswax candle I wanted. Happiness all round.

I used to wait to see if he knew. Maybe I'd drop some hints. Maybe I'd purposefully say nothing to see if he was telepathic, if he remembered. Various ways of testing that didn't serve me or him. When we track an issue we don't try to figure it out with our mind. We allow ourselves to drop down into our emotional core and feel. When we are connected to our feelings we can sense intuitively what an issue is about. Our feeling nature has nothing to do with words and it differs from our emotions. It is closely related to our connection with our spiritual self. As with all the techniques on the path to enlightenment, tracking requires curiosity and open-mindedness. Before you track an issue, you'll want to ask yourself some questions about it, perhaps write about it and think about its symbolism for you. These first steps are necessary and very helpful, but the real work begins when we start looking at the issue from an energy level. The Technique of Tracking Start by setting aside an hour or so. She would always plan their dates around Mother's schedule and cancel planned events if Mom wanted Robin around. Toby would say, I know your parents' living room better than I do yours. Why can't you just get a life with me and without her? She'll be okay. The conflict tore Robin up, as she knew, on one level, that Toby was right. But another part of her would think, He doesn't understand.