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When I'm able to do that, it not only builds team unity and allows others to grow but also--paradoxically--strengthen my role as leader. By granting people the opportunity to claim their stake in the team's success, the leader receives buy-in from the players and staff, and the leader is respected in return for allowing this monitored freedom. Ownership of each other's roles on the court helps ensure that everyone's got each other's backs. This is even the case for off the court activities and responsibilities. Back in Phil Jackson's time playing in the NBA, he and his team members needed to wash their jerseys, personally. While some may loathe the necessity of doing this, Jackson's teammates on the New York Knicks found doing laundry a good tool to vet out bad fits for the team. Jackson writes: The old Knicks were used to taking responsibility for our own laundry because there was no equipment manager then, and strange as it may sound, washing our own uniforms had a unifying effect on the team. As hurtful as his behavior is, he isn't doing this deliberately to hurt you or to punish you. Regardless of what he may say, he is not doing this because of anything you have done or not done, the way you look or don't look. It is not willfulness on his part. He has reached a stage where he cannot stop acting out sexually without help. However you describe what it is you are living with, it is very important to see the addictive aspect of your partner's behavior. I know some readers have already had negative reactions to identifying the betrayal in their coupleship as sex addiction. Having been shaped by social, cultural, and religious beliefs the meaning we attach to sex and sexuality varies from individual to individual. Family values and behaviors may have the greatest impact. The same is true of the word addiction, and its myriad implications and judgments. As a result, it is not uncommon for some people to find the words sex addiction offensive or frightening. You could start with an eighteen-hour fast. Eat a normal meal four to five hours before you go to bed, then don't eat again for another thirteen or fourteen hours--if you get eight hours of sleep, that can mean just skipping breakfast and eating a regular lunch five or six hours after you wake up.

If you do it fairly easily the first time, try stretching your willpower by going to twenty-four, then thirty-six, and eventually forty-eight hours without food, making sure you drink water to stay hydrated. You'll start to learn the difference between eating to satisfy hunger and eating merely out of habit or because you're bored. If you're feeling daring, work out as usual during that time. As long as you don't psych yourself out, my guess is that you won't perform much worse than normal, if at all. And here's a pro tip for that initial eighteen-hour fast: try it on a day that you're super busy. That way you won't be as fixated on the lack of food as you would be on a slow day at work or when you're at home all day. You Can't Weigh Self-Control As people turn to technology in an attempt to control their calorie intake, limit their portion sizes, and ensure they're eating a balanced diet, we're seeing not just apps that tell us if a meal is healthy or unhealthy but also smart forks and storage containers that try to limit food consumption. If the newcomers weren't willing to wash their own gear, we wondered whether they would take responsibility for what they had to do on court. This goes back to Jackson's point on benching the personal ego. If you're too arrogant, spoiled and egotistical to simply wash your gear, how can you be trusted when it's four seconds on the clock and you need to make that pass to ensure a victory? The lesson is to build up trust by relieving your own high and mighty mentality. What you may notice with both of these principles, is that they work on an internal level. By building trust in yourself and your role on the team, you build greater trust in the other team members. If everyone is doing a better job individually, then everyone can collectively trust each other to be more reliable. The problem is that few people see trust in this way. Most people see trust as something you showcase for others. People see it as a transactional exchange. Perhaps you also think that by viewing or naming it as addiction, it lets your partner off the hook for his behavior. Absolutely not, the addict is responsible for his recovery and that includes accountability.

Historically, the term addiction was first identified as the out-of-control use of alcohol and other drugs. Today, we recognize that many behaviors--gambling, eating, internet, shopping, and/or engaging in sex--can spin out of control and become addictive. Just as alcoholism has existed over the centuries, using sex in a compulsive, addictive manner has also been occurring for many generations. The Italian-born libertine Giacomo Casanova was such a famous womanizer that, a full two centuries after his death, his name remains synonymous with the art of seduction. Benjamin Franklin is believed to have abandoned his devoted wife, Deborah, and became a lecher in London and France. In his article The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Mr Franklin confessed that as a young man, his hard-to-govern'd passion of youth led him into intrigues with women. Wilt Chamberlain, famous professional basketball player, devoted an entire article of his autobiography to his sexual exploits. He said that if he had to count his sexual encounters, he would be closing in on 20,000 women. However, despite the novelty of such devices, their makers are really misunderstanding how willpower and habits work. Initially, someone who has just shelled out a bunch of money for a new appetite control tool will be eager to get some kind of return on their investment. If they've told other people about the purchase, they'll also want to give a glowing review to justify their decision. But after the fork has beeped at them a few times to tell them that they should stop eating or the storage container's display has reminded them that there are still two days to go until they can have another piece of that oh-so-good chocolate cake, the novelty will likely wear off--particularly if the user is still hungry once the technology has said no. Then there's the possibility of substituting the chip-controlled fork with a regular one, or simply prying the lid off the container to get that cake. If we get rid of one habit, we need to replace it with another that yields a similar feeling. The rush of neurochemicals you experience when you indulge in that creamy pasta (with a regular fork, of course) or when the sugar in that irresistible cake hits your bloodstream can't be merely cut off. We have to put some other kind of reward in its place. The rush of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals produced when we move mirrors the rush produced when we consume food we like--but without the blood glucose crash that all that cake frosting leads to. So if you're trying to limit your portion size and are tempted to overindulge, you could move instead of eat. Since I scratched your back, now you need to scratch mine. You serve the customer, you help out a friend and they, in turn, need to trust you.

In most people's minds, trust is an outward, external expression, not internal. And, the way most people are skeptical and untrustworthy of each other, it's going to take a lot to convince them you're trustworthy. Where's the Proof? This is why reviews and testimonials are becoming SO CRUCIAL to everything in life. When our world has provided us with so many bad stories and headlines, we now need more and more validation to prove our worth. We need clear evidence. We not only need it for one occasion, but we need it to happen several times. We not only need to see it several times, but we need to see that it works for years in a row. Yes, that's correct, twenty thousand different ladies, he wrote. At my age, that equals out to having sex with 1. As a consequence of the #MeToo movement, sexual assaults, harassment, and sexual exploits and secrets of men not only are not being tolerated, they are much more apt to be exposed and reported. Whether or not your partner's behavior is ultimately diagnosed as addictive, you and he both deserve the opportunity to seek professional help. You can still find a path for yourself as you understand your own role in this partnership and a path out of your angst and despair. The Addiction Sexually addictive behavior is an equal opportunity addiction that spans all boundaries: economic, political, gender, sexual orientation, intellectual, religious, racial, and ethnic. Sex addicts come from all walks of life: they are factory workers, salespeople, truck drivers, janitors, policemen, accountants, physicians, politicians, executives, and clergy members. Most people who act out sexually during their adult years were abused sexually, physically, or emotionally during their childhood. The majority grew up in families where addiction already flourished. This is why some teachers who are trying to get sugar out of their classrooms offer students an extra movement break instead of candy when they ace a test or help clean up. Andy's wife, Natasha, has a classroom policy that kids aren't allowed to bring any junk food to school.

If they do, she sends it back home with a note and a list of healthy exchange items. Instead of creating a reward system based around sugary treats, she gives the kids more free time to play. Now that they're used to it, the three- and four-year-olds in her class go crazy when a parent tries to sneak cookies into their child's backpack and start yelling, No cookies at school! Also, you'd be amazed how quickly your usual sugar cravings go away after going sugar-free for a couple of days (no added sugar, though the naturally occurring sugar in fruit and vegetables are fine) or after an eighteen-hour fast. Take away something that you'll really miss in your daily routine, something whose absence hurts for the first couple of days. After a few days, you'll notice that you have much more self-control. Connecting Food, Tech, and Feeling One way that technology can be used to help modify eating habits in a more helpful way than using smart forks or vault-like containers is by connecting feelings and mood with physiology. We need to know why it didn't work for some people, even when it worked for most people. We need proof. No puffery allowed! This is the exact case for the consulting firm I work at. We had to grow our firm via massive cold calling. Our team members made a minimum of 150 to 200 calls per day, every day. We expanded to other marketing avenues, but this has been our bread and butter approach to our growth. Now, when I say cold calling, these people have never heard our name before. Right off the bat, these business owners associate anyone who calls them to help grow their business as a scammer. Even if the business owner did want to grow their business, they would want to know what we charge, why it works, how we can specifically help them, how we even got a hold of them in the first place, what other companies we've done work with and so on. Many grapple with other forms of addiction in addition to their sexual compulsivity. Addiction is not about a particular behavior but its overall context.