Back in our little kayak together, talking about our lives, he asks about who Anne and Isaac and I are to one another. He hasn't understood that we're a family. I can feel him trying to figure us out--especially me. He asks questions and I don't mind. We're engaging with each other in an open-hearted, curious way. His questions continue, and we get to talking about my name. My body, my gender, and my family might be confusing and warrant sincere questions, but my name he understands. In Spanish, which he speaks fluently, Linda means beautiful. For some of us, finding balance in the digital age may seem impossible. Life is a journey, not a destination. It's normal to sometimes feel like we're on the wrong path. It is during these times that we're more likely to question our decisions, our feelings, our relationships, and our past and be fearful about our future. Change of every kind starts with awareness, acceptance, and action. For most of us, this means doing things differently. If your social-media use is making it harder to find your footing again when you feel off-balance, or if it's making your life more complicated than it needs to be, take the time to practice the skill-building strategies I've offered throughout this article. You can start with choosing one behavior to work on until you feel comfortable enough to start on another one. It's important to know that if you're struggling with improving your screen health and overall emotional health, you should consider talking to a mental-health professional. Talking can help get you to a place of awareness, acceptance, and action. In the 1950s and 1960s, we saw management experts trying to introduce similar principles into offices. So for half a century or more, we've been conditioned by our workplace that an efficient worker is a productive worker, and therefore a good one.

With the massive advances in consumer technology over the same period, we've also tried desperately to make our lives outside of work more efficient. Why use a slow cooker when you can fire up the microwave? What's the point in going to the library when you can just download a article (maybe this one! This mentality has also made its way into fitness. The crazy hitchhiker Ben Stiller's character picks up in There's Something About Mary tells him about his plan for a seven-minute abs program that will best the eight-minute version already available. He adds, We guarantee just as good a workout as the eight-minute folks. Stiller's character agrees but then says, Unless of course someone comes up with six-minute abs. The humor of this scene masks an uncomfortable truth: when it comes to our health, fitness, and performance, we want to do as little as possible so we have more time in our days. The a at the end marks it as feminine--exactly why my parents chose it for me. Exactly why I struggle with it. I've had top surgery, I dress in masculine clothing, and I wear my hair short. Although I don't take hormones, when I look in the mirror I don't read myself as woman. My friends and the people close to me tell me the same. That when they see me, I read as genderqueer, not female. One person told me it was only the name on my articles that indicated woman to her, not my physical presentation. All of which explains why my new friend might be curious about me, about my family, about my name. That a on the end doesn't line up with the person in the boat with him. The connotation of feminine beauty just doesn't resonate. Most of all, remember to be patient with yourself.To live with sexual betrayal is to live with deceit. Deception means to cause a person to believe what is not true, to mislead, betray, delude, or dupe.

When your partner is engaging in sexual behavior that violates the values of your relationship, he will go to great lengths to conceal his behavior. In that process, his deception involves falsehood or the deliberate concealment or misrepresentation of truth. To mislead means to lead into error, but not invariably with the intent to harm. His behavior is not intentionally meant to harm you. More likely than not he has deluded himself by believing you will never know, and if you don't know, you will not be hurt. To betray implies a faithlessness that brings another to a disadvantage or into danger. This faithlessness puts your relationship on an unequal playing field. Instead of an equal partnership, you are set up for a one up and one down relationship, with you being the one down. We have apps that will take us through those seven-minute abs (or maybe even six), promising to give us the six-pack Hollywood has told us we need. Then we move on quickly to the next thing and the next, sure to cram as much in as possible so we don't miss out on anything. But our fear of missing out means we are missing something. Actually, lots of things. Filling every second with activity is also stressing us out, which not only makes us feel anxious but also changes our physiology. We now know that continual stress can lead to adrenal fatigue and spike our blood pressure and inflammation levels, which contribute to a whole host of diseases. British philosopher Alan Watts advised, Stop measuring days by degree of productivity and start experiencing them by degree of presence. Amen to that. There's nothing wrong with efficiency, but when we apply our I-want-it-now approach to our health, we often end up with benefits that don't last and motivation that fades once the initial gains level off. We also forget that playing a sport well or getting better at an active pursuit like rock climbing isn't just about results, it's also the process that's beneficial. I explain as best I can and then he has an aha moment. You're Lindo!

He's right. When he explains that meaning takes on nuance with the masculinized ending, reflecting more of a beautiful essence rather than physical beauty, it seems even more right. Yes, I am Lindo. There's continuity there, a specificity I recognize. I can still be the beautiful human my parents dreamed of. I can still be my history, me. Just not the feminized version, because I was never a girl. I was never Linda, not really. Without honesty, your relationship is based on an illusion. While betrayal puts your relationship in jeopardy, it can also create physical danger for you with unsafe sex practices and/or the rage that comes from jilted lovers. To delude is to mislead to the point of rendering another unable to detect a falsehood or make sound judgment. Your partner, as if a magician, has become a master of deception. To dupe means to delude another by playing upon that person's susceptibility or naivete. Time after time your partner has relied on your naivete, your need to want to believe him, and your fears of what it means to know the truth. To live like this is traumatic to your whole being. When Deceived was first published in 2009, it was one of the first articles to speak to female partners of men who were acting out sexually in an addictive manner. At that time, the language within the professional field of those working with the addicted and their partners emanated from an addiction model. While I and other early pioneers were addressing the trauma of betrayal, we did not have the language and depth of knowledge about trauma responses that have more recently been validating and critical to the partner in his or her healing. Becoming bigger, stronger, and faster (or lighter, leaner, and more cut) is not what improves your performance level--acquiring and developing skills is. And as Robert Greene puts it in his fine article Mastery, When it comes to mastering a skill, time is the magic ingredient.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race It's easy to get caught up in the idea that pushing ourselves further and harder always means better results, but when it comes to physical activity, more isn't always better. In fact, slowing down can have benefits we often overlook: it allows you to focus on different aspects of your practice, such as endurance and technique; Plus, you can't exercise your way out of a sedentary lifestyle with a single daily workout if it's articleended by hours of inactivity. Slow and steady movement throughout the day is important for both body and brain. As we don't live in an agrarian society anymore and most of us aren't working on farms or in other physically demanding jobs, we've had to come up with ways to add physical activity into each day. Movement can help us start our morning positively or decompress after a jam-packed day, but we need to make sure we're also building in movement breaks in the hours in between. Exercising for one period--whether it's for thirty minutes, an hour, or longer--certainly has its benefits, but we can shortchange these and even start undoing them if we are sedentary the rest of the day. Lindo, I recognize. This new name--that's not new at all, just slightly, rightly different--feels like home to me. The process of arriving at this place--at home in your own skin, welcome in the world--isn't a solo journey, no matter what we may hear about self-help or self-love. Sure, a lot of the work, including some of the practical tools I've shared in this article, is internal and personal. But even when each of us takes on these tasks, all the self-love in the world doesn't prevent other people from othering, body-shaming, dehumanizing, or oppressing you, nor does it change how your central nervous system responds to this threat. We can't do this on our own. We need to create spaces where we can meet each other and validate each other. No human body is born alone. None of us can survive alone, and certainly none of us can thrive alone. What makes everything better--including the world! In the past few years the emphasis for healing and recovery is much more steeped in treatment that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress and betrayal of trust experienced by partners. This trauma and betrayal experience is now reflected in the new subtitle for Deceived: Facing the Trauma of Sexual Betrayal.