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Besides the problems with socializing and hyperactivity, the major problem that drove me to take Ben to Dr Lacey was motor coordination. Because his social and motor skills were substandard and he was hyperactive, he received a diagnosis of ADHD without ODD. Dr Lacey recommended stimulants to treat him. Our reluctance to try medications led us to try some of Dr Barkley's behavior management techniques--positive reinforcement, time-outs, and punishment and rewards--all to no avail. Only when we felt like we'd reached a dead end did we turn to the medications, which worked wonderfully. Around age three and a half, Sam's tantrums became unmanageable. He would lose his temper for no apparent reason. Do they look as though they're planning to bow, shake your hand, do the French bises (cheek kisses), or--believe it or not--none of the above? Don't hug your colleague's wife/husband, only to find that the couple are from a culture where a man and woman who are not spouses are not supposed to touch each other, or you'll discover that you've basically committed assault in their eyes. Regardless of cultural background, some people don't like to be touched--never assume that they do. One famous American investor is extremely germophobic, the sort who uses Kleenex to open doorknobs because he doesn't want to touch anything with his bare hands. Even if you hadn't heard the gossip about him, a nunchi ninja would notice that in meetings this investor always has his hands clasped tightly behind his back to avoid handshakes, and that although his closest friends may be standing around him, they are still a good four feet away. Don't colonize people. Every person has their own idea of what the appropriate distance is between two people, and they will communicate this extremely clearly to you in their behavior. Be discerning. Step 3: Turn down the volume to hear what a person's really all about Don't just think about the words coming out of people's mouths--think about the overall context, think about their biases and values. DOORS TO THE LIGHT In the middle of every difficulty lies an opportunity. Take Away Another Chair

A problem is not the worst thing that could happen to you. The worst thing that can happen to you is to stay asleep in the world of fear and miss the love that is available. Problems exist only to pry us from our slumber. What we perceive as problems are simply invitations to think with a greater mind and remember our wholeness. The level at which a situation seems to be a problem is just one aspect of a much broader purpose. When young eaglets reach a certain point of maturity, their mother gradually decreases the amount of food she brings them daily, and she begins to remove straws from their nest. The mother makes the babies hungry to find their own food, and undoes their resting place. Any disruption or change in his routine brought on a tantrum. My day often began with Sam's hiding under his bed, screaming and grunting at me while refusing to go to preschool. Then, once at preschool, he would refuse to engage in activities that required a change in his own routine. If he was coloring and the group was going to the gym, he would throw a tantrum. When he went to the gym and settled in there, he would rage when he had to return to the room. When I came to take him home, he would have another fit. Needless to say, this became the norm for our interactions with Sam. Bath time, bedtime, church, school, play--any transition or change precipitated a violent response. And as he grew older, his behavior grew worse. Understandably, I felt like a horrible mother. Have you ever watched television with the volume off--perhaps because you took a phone call but didn't want to miss the exciting climax of your favorite show? You may have noticed that you can often guess exactly what is happening in the plot even without the sound. If a couple is rolling around in bed and then sit up in horror as a man walks into the bedroom, it suggests that the couple may be having an illicit affair.

If a murder suspect in an Agatha Christie mystery starts running from the parlor, it means the detective has identified them as the murderer. Nunchi is the ability to see what's going on, based on nonverbal cues: facial gestures and body language being the big ones. Maybe a colleague has corrected your errors quietly and with a patient tone of voice, but you can tell from their tense shoulders and nonblinking eyes that they're furious. The matter is therefore much more serious than they're letting on, and you'd better snap to it. Paying attention to what is not being said can tell you a great deal more than listening to every word that is being said. Following these steps won't give you an immediate aha, case closed, I have comprehensively gotten a handle on this person moment. You may simply realize you need more information in areas X, Y, and Z before making any further assumptions. From a limited perspective her actions surely seem cruel, but when understood, she is giving her children the greatest gift possiblenn-their own strength and freedom. When we have graduated from a particular station of life, the universe will push us to fly at a higher altitude. We have mastered the awareness available to us at one level, and we no longer have a function there. A loftier purpose calls. To facilitate our flight, the rewards of the old level are withdrawn and its support system begins to collapse. At the time this may seem unkind, but that would be so only if there were not something better to replace it. The mother eagle is not weakening her children; She knows they have wings they have not tested. If you have gone through a painful divorce, illness, financial stress, or death of a loved one, it certainly may appear as if the universe is out to hurt you. But appearances are not the same as reality. My child wouldn't behave. I had to fight with him to get him to do anything. By all standards, I was a failure.

At the same time, though, Sam was the classic stereotype of the Little Professor. We used to say that all he needed was the bow tie to complete his professorial image. His verbal and intellectual abilities were extraordinary. He took any new concept introduced to him and integrated it into his thinking immediately. For instance, when he was four years old, he asked me about the states of matter: gases, liquids, and solids. I explained about how almost everything in the world falls into one of these categories. Two days later, as he watched water boiling, he told me that water could fall under all three categories and gave me the examples of steam, water, and ice. Just the act of gathering data for yourself is still an excellent use of nunchi. Context and Nunchi We all like to think we're far too sophisticated to believe that first impressions count. We're modern, we're woke, we know about unconscious bias, and we wouldn't dream of judging someone based on their appearance. Except we do it all the time. People learn by associating new experiences with previous ones: if new Situation X has one or two superficial things in common with old Situation Y, our brains make us believe that the two experiences are likely to be identical in every way. This is useful in remembering that hornets sometimes sting, but it's far less useful when it comes to judging people. In a 2018 study published by the U. National Academy of Sciences,8 researchers showed a group of people numerous photos of strangers and asked them to choose which ones looked trustworthy. What the test subjects were not told was that some of the images were just slightly photoshopped versions of the same face. Temporary discomfort pales in the face of long-term awakening. At such a difficult time, it seems that your world is falling apart - and it is. But that is not the end of the story.

A new world awaits - but first the old one must be undone to make space for the next level of expression. To expedite this process, your old source of nourishment is removed (sometimes abruptly) and you are forced to flap the wings you have not yet used. You may not see how and when your next comfort will come, but rest assured it will be there. The fastest way to your new home is to release the past as quickly and gracefully as possible. Feel your feelings, acknowledge the pain, take time to grieve if you need it, and then get on with your new life. Use the experience to grow, rather than reinforce your sense of powerlessness or victimhood. As you discover the greater purpose, you will find strength you never would have exercised if life had not forced you to leave a crumbling nest in search of higher ground. Sam taught himself to read from the back of cereal boxes. He had a vocabulary that constantly amazed us. We didn't realize that he didn't understand the meaning of what he said and read. After all, how could a child who acquired language so readily have problems with communication? But Sam did have problems with communication--the nonverbal type. He could not recognize facial expressions. Once he asked me outright if the expression I wore was my mad face. He could not understand anything beyond the literal meaning of language. When we asked him about the meaning of what he had read, he had no comprehension. He was merely decoding the words. Guess what? Once the test takers deemed certain faces were trustworthy, they kept selecting the doctored variations of the exact same faces. Whether it's feeling kinship with a stranger because they're wearing the same shoes as you, or shifting uncomfortably away from someone on public transport because they smell bad, or not wanting to sit next to the guy wearing a political T-shirt that you disagree with, you're judging, and most of the time you're not even aware of it.