Timeless wisdom resonated with me from the start. parsing through old relationships, you'll bring up the suppressed anxieties that cause you to act like a Clot not always, but frequently enough. also learn the difference between being right and being righteous, and how the latter is the most limiting behavior Clots carry in their arsenal. you'll understand how the myth of cathartic relief--the once popular notion that it's important to let off steam--doesn't serve you in the short run and hinders your ability to have healthy long-term relationships. I'll also show you ways to express conflict without being a bully. In Part II, you'll learn how to spot a Clot from afar and recognize the telltale ploys of their unique Clottery. Instead of avoiding them, however (or worse, patrolling their bad behavior), you'll have the skills to deal with difficult or obnoxious people at home and in the office. You'll also see why your closest relationships are the easiest to sabotage, regardless of whether the Clotish behavior is yours or theirs. In Part III, you'll begin the work of recovery. Similar to Step Ten of the traditional twelve-step model, which suggests that we continue to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it, I provide a self-assessment tool that allows you to keep the focus on your Clottery and ultimately to change your relationship with the world. You'll learn self-acceptance, to stop being a Clot to yourself, and the skills needed to pause your thoughts and actions. If I've sown some curiosity, then likely they'll end up watching one of the many great documentaries on the subject and reaching their own conclusions. Note that any time I meet resistance, I give them nothing to battle against: Yes well I'm no expert, scientists still haven't figured out everything, and yes, the Japanese do live long and eat fish. The technique of no resistance works like judo, where you let your body absorb your opponent's full force, making them overbalance and fall into the throw you choose. I hope I haven't annoyed too many omnivorous readers of this article. worry, I'm not after you to change your diet, and I'm definitely not ordering you to watch any documentaries. just wanted to share my subjective experience of persuasion through a concrete example of an issue close to me. And now, what are your hot-button issues? some time out to identify and think about them , and work on the way you can present them better to people and even get their agreement more often. the steps above, and follow them.

remember being desperately unfunny. It also highlighted the instruments that Hooke used to see nature in ways never seen before, and the microscope was the most novel of these new tools. (In another first, Hooke coined the term cell to describe the basic microscopic structures that he had seen. ) The article was soon available all over Europe and reached the hands of scientists and nature enthusiasts as well as merchants and tradesmen. In 1671, in the thriving fabric market of Delft in the Netherlands, a young merchant named Antonie van Leeuwenhoek became fascinated with Hooke's illustrations. Growing up, Leeuwenhoek had been a curious boy and knew his way around glass blowing and lens crafting. Inspired, he decided to make his own microscope--one that would be much simpler than what Hooke described. Instead of using two lenses, like Hooke, Leeuwenhoek heated the best Venetian glass to form thin threads and then, reheating the threads, he made small glass spheres that were about one tenth of an inch in diameter. It was a stunning bit of engineering, and though the young man made hundreds of these lenses, he kept his exact technique a secret, one that has remained a mystery to this day. More significantly, the resolution of the images made possible by these little spheres was significantly better than what Hooke had achieved. , someone who is exceptionally smart or unusually promising) suffered a loss in self- esteem. Those who grounded their identities more strongly in other domains of life, such as family, did not. Although it is easy to see this type of susceptibility in a concrete situation, such as the one previously presented, people whose self- esteem is contingent on success or failure are basically more vulnerable as individuals because success and failure can occur in many spheres of life. In fact, such competence- based self-esteem can be a part of more serious conditions. For instance, most of us know or have known people who are so focused on success that they ignore or even neglect other parts of their lives to pursue it, such as those who sacrifice their physical health or personal relationships to get ahead in terms of careers, money, status, and the like. In addition, this type of self- esteem is often associated with the mental health problems mentioned earlier. In other words, social scientists now realize that competence- based definitions of self- esteem, or those that are contingent on some form of success, are a psychological dead end. In fact, some of the researchers who used this definition, such as Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park previously cited, recommend giving up the search for self- esteem altogether for this very reason.

For instance, if certain conditions, such as poverty, neglect, or abuse interfere with developing a sense of worth as a person, and they most certainly can, then this approach indicates it should be possible to use the principles of learning and reinforcement to modify negative behavior and to shape prosocial environments in the home, school, workplace, and so on. It was so simple and practical. I grew up trusting this; it established the strength, anchor and roots within myself. Take a simple direction such as, Fall still and remember who you really are. Students in these practical philosophy classes were encouraged to apply this in daily life by coming into the present moment, where everything became clear and calm. All concerns, thoughts and problems fell away, despite what might be happening around us. This was incredibly powerful and really handy as I grew up, especially through the usual ups and downs of the teenage years. I would often repeat some Sanskrit in my mind when I didn't know what to do next or if I felt confused. I became centered and steady; it brought me back to peace and self-presence. The fix is easy: behaviorally, there's not that much to it. The lesson is to think before you speak and, umm, just don't be a Clot. In Part IV, I'll explain why not being a Clot may be the key to living a happy, fulfilling life. More simply than that, not being a Clot is a milestone on the road to accepting life, ourselves, and each other. Go Ahead and Say Hello You know that person you feel slighted by? The one who doesn't say hello at work and hasn't acknowledged you in any of the thirty spin classes you've taken together? She's that person who, even though your kids are pals, never asked if you wanted to arrange a playdate. It's inevitable that you'll be stuck in an elevator with that person someday.

But guess what? I don't think I ever made someone even crack a smile right from my angst-ridden teens until I was twenty-five. Then, when I hit twenty-eight, it happened. I got halfway through a date with this vision of allure when she had to stop and tell me her cheeks were hurting, she was laughing so hard. This all arose out of my becoming great friends with a guy named Alex Kay, the once and future funniest guy I've met. I used to hang with him almost every day and somehow his sense of humour just rubbed off on me. I'm not as funny as Alex, but I do have a percentage of his skills. Where he instantly comes up with the perfect joke for his immediate context, I'll come up with one half as good a few seconds later. Still, that's enough: I can make people laugh hard. So thank you, thank you, Alex Kay! But humour, you don't exactly learn . Leeuwenhoek did not have the clout of Hooke, who was a fellow of the Royal Society and an alum of Oxford University. Yet Leeuwenhoek kept conducting experiments with anything that he could get his hands on. He examined the thickness of his skin. He studied the tongue of an ox, he looked at the mold growing on bread, and examined the intricate structures on the surface of lice and bees. But his biggest discovery came in 1676. On Leeuwenhoek's articleshelf was a flask of water infused with pepper that had turned cloudy over the three weeks it had been sitting there. Leeuwenhoek took drops from the flask and put them under one of his microscopes. He then examined each drop individually. What he found was both bizarre and captivating: I saw a great multitude of living creatures in one drop of water, amounting to no less than 8 or 10 thousand, and they appear to my eye through the microscope as common as a sand does to the naked eye.

11 Also, since we know that positive reinforcement is usually more effective than negative, it should be relatively easy to use the well- known principles of learning and social conditioning to create home, school, and work environments that nurture self- esteem. In many ways, our culture did just that. During the late 1980s and early 1990s this definition of self- esteem came to dominate the field. At the same time, understanding self- esteem as an attitude or feeling of worth also became very popular with parents, educators, and eventually, politicians. In California, for example, well- intended state senators, such as John Vasconcellos (Smelser, 1989), became convinced self- esteem was something of a psychological magic bullet capable of solving all sorts of personal, interpersonal, and social problems. The idea was that if people felt good about themselves, then they would suffer less depression, have little need for addictions, do better at school, find more value in work than wel-fare, be better parents, make better citizens, and the like. As a result, the California self- esteem movement, as it became called, led to a huge increase in the popularity of self- esteem as a concept. Soon the primary goal of many articles on parenting and childhood development focused on helping children feel good about themselves at almost any cost. Further, many if not most educational institutions taught teachers to do the same. For example, instead of focusing on developing competence at traditional educational skil s, such as math, many educators became trained to make children feel good about their efforts at learning, not its outcomes. I learnt from experience that this was how to be grounded. In my adult life I have come to realize that this is the only way to live; by following easy, simple, practical and yet profound timeless wisdom. I found it a blessing of untold power and grace. I also came to see that many people who yearn for a little stillness and peace in their lives don't know where to find it. It's ever-present and yet the one place we don't look is right under our own nose! Sometimes, when it is found, it can be forgotten. I began to wonder how timeless wisdom can be passed on to those who want it, in such a way that it sticks, that it becomes part of their lived experience. I've had the good fortune to pass on the timeless wisdom of Sanskrit to children and adults throughout my teaching and coaching work.