I don't respond with aggression as much as I used to do. Mr Flowers: That's very similar to the experience I had in this last visit with my parents. Previously there had always been arguments -- pretty generally on an abstract topic. That's an outlet for my aggression, I guess. Pedaling the stationary bike, I can't stop thinking about it. Rationally, I know this is a little thing. Can I really blame him? Of course he saw me as a woman; I embody many cultural signifiers that we're taught to assume mean woman. The cultural attachment to the binary makes being genderqueer a constant coming out. I try not to turn the feelings against my body for sending the wrong messages. I am just so tired of, and infuriated by, these unrelenting microaggressions. I go home, but the incident still weighs on me. I try to work, but my mind keeps wandering. The proof is in our behavior, which, remember, is always fueled by our thoughts. Cracking the code on your icebergs can be a serious game changer in your life. They may very well be creating your schedule chaos, getting in your way of successfully sticking to a diet, or holding you back from seizing opportunities. If you have an iceberg that dictates that you should be all things to all people, there's no doubt you're doing way more than even the mightiest of superheroes could take on (and, as a result, heaping a world of stress onto your shoulders). If you believe your family comes first in all circumstances, it's unlikely you'll willingly take time away from tending to their needs to care for yourself (which affects your health and overall resilience). If you have an iceberg that says you should avoid embarrassment at all costs, chances are you will shy away from trying new things (keeping you stuck in neutral, at best).

Iceberg beliefs are deeply rooted and powerful, and they fuel our emotions. The more entrenched an iceberg is, the more havoc it wreaks on your life--and, conversely, the more benefit you get by melting it. If we get a handle on our icebergs, we gain an enormous amount of control over our feelings and our lives. Melt an iceberg and all the downstream events it causes get washed away, as well. I'd get him very upset, disturbed -- defending his identification with the Republican Party. But this time nothing like that happened. Any discussion we had we merely agreed upon or stated differences of opinion on. There wasn't that tension -- that really uncomfortable feeling that I always used to get with him. It was very different. And corroborative behavioral evidence is found. A college man with no social contacts learns to dance and enjoys going to parties; These changes do not occur for everyone, of course, but they are reported with enough frequency to give assurance that something important is happening to the people involved; As one girl put it, The other day walking down the street, I found myself humming a tune. I didn't know it was me! My body responds. It responded in the moment, with a flash of pain, and now the internal sequences are in motion. I'm physically shaky. My heart races. I can't calm down. The internal dialogue is one I've played out many times.

Just get over yourself, I admonish. It's going to happen in our unwoke culture. Rise above it. But the rational understanding doesn't dissipate the felt experience. Take, for instance, Meagan, age forty-two. Meagan noticed that anxiety was creeping in for her during a number of situations, and she struggled to understand why. She's not normally an anxious person and doesn't worry about a lot of things, but over the years, she noticed that her voice would quiver if she had to speak out loud at PTA meetings, and that she would get sweaty palms and a hammering heartbeat when she visited her in-laws. She knew something deeper must be going on when someone new joined her weekly foursome of tennis and she became nervous and self-conscious--two feelings she doesn't normally experience. Using the meQuilibrium program, Meagan uncovered an iceberg belief that I must appear competent and in control at all times. Suddenly, all these disparate, apparently unrelated incidents made sense. They were united by the iceberg, which cut a broad swath in her life and turned performance situations into very high stakes. Up until now in the program, we've been talking only about automatic thoughts and the styles we develop around them. Thought feeds are usually about what's going on right then and there, so they're pretty easy to access. But these thoughts only address what pokes out above the surface, and there's more than meets the eye when it comes to an iceberg. Why I haven't done that in years. Ultimately we must assess the effectiveness of group therapy in quantitative terms. We shall want to know what percentage of successful experiences can be expected, and we shall want some index of relative efficiency between group therapy and individual therapy. Only a beginning has been made at such quantitative statements. In an extensive research project involving sixteen participants in group therapy, the three group leaders judged that eight of the members made clear gains whereas eight others made none, or only uncertain gains. Their judgments were corroborated by objective measurements.

These figures may be overestimates or underestimates. The gains observed may have been only temporary, or the observation of no gain may have been refuted by later growth initiated in therapy. But this fairly rigorous appraisal is encouraging. More explicit and detailed statements must await further study. I need to produce several thousand words for an article I promised; Instead of writing, however, I'm distracted. I channel my energy into a project not of my making, chronicling the microaggressions I've experienced as a gym member. The project escalates to two painstaking letters; It's a battle I should never, ever have had to take on. Advocating for myself for the most basic recognition, respect, and access--access I'm entitled to and pay for--steals resources I could be using to grow my relationships, career, writing, volunteering, and parenting. It's a huge and unnecessary drain on my time and energy. Imagine the potential that could be released if we eradicated or diminished it. Transphobia steals so much from me. The self-advocacy logistics I'm enlisted into are the least of it. Just because we can't see the hidden parts, though, doesn't mean they're not there. In fact, that's what makes them so hazardous. The interesting thing about iceberg beliefs is that many of them are double-edged swords. A belief of I should do everything perfectly may drive you to work hard and excel--all positives. In the extreme, though, it means your minimal acceptable standard is perfection. Being human, that's impossible to meet.

That means your ideal and your real are far apart, and as you know, that results in sadness and shame because you're not meeting your own standards. To the extent that an iceberg accurately reflects our values and worldview, it can be extremely valuable. Take Joyce, for example. Joyce, fifty-five, is a principal at an inner-city high school. SUGGESTED READINGS For a summary of the historical development of group therapy, the reader is referred to Klapman, Group Psychotherapy (102). Other basic articles on group therapy are: Moreno, Group Therapy (135); Slavson, Analytic Group Psychotherapy (192); Foulkes, Introduction to Group-Analytic Psychotherapy (61); For accounts of client-centered group therapy with children, see both Axline's article (14, articles 20, 21, 22) and her article on the handling of racial tensions in a group of children (15). Published research in group therapy is practically nonexistent thus far. The work of Peres (146) is one of the few studies which have been published. It is hoped that other studies to which reference has been made will be published in the near future. By THOMAS GORDON, Ph. I feel as if I always have to fight for recognition, for my rights, always be adversarial. Advocating for our own personhood and our most basic needs can make us feel burdensome--as if we're being difficult, or as if it's our fault. I shouldn't have to advocate for being treated with respect. The time waste. The emotional energy required. Not to mention that it raises my blood pressure, keeps me irritable and on edge, and contributes to my insomnia.