These untested perceptions are also a part of our personal reality, and may have as much authority as those which have been checked. That the perceptual field is the reality to which the individual reacts is often strikingly illustrated in therapy, where it is frequently evident that when the perception changes, the reaction of the individual changes. As long as a parent is perceived as a domineering individual, that is the reality to which the individual reacts. When he is perceived as a rather pathetic individual trying to maintain his status, then the reaction to this new reality is quite different. Yet here you are, reading the article I needed to get out of me, so it was obviously a worthwhile gamble. I need to remember that connection and belonging are irreducible needs of being human. Without them, I suffer. Having them requires opening myself up. If I'm unwilling to risk vulnerability, to risk getting hurt sometimes or showing my inadequacy, I am doomed to feel unfulfilled. If the risk is necessary, so is the need to learn to deal with it. If I need to let it all out on a dais to find the words for my article, I'm going to have to learn to accept that I may not always be as articulate as I'd like. It comes down to cultivating a sense of worthiness. If I feel unworthy, I'm more likely to protect myself, to hunker down and avoid emotional risk. Alternatively, if I accept my imperfections--remembering that I'm worthy of love and belonging no matter how messed up I am--then I feel worthy, and therefore can dare to put myself out there, to trade vulnerability for the intimacy that will sustain me. So, what is right for one person will rarely be exactly what is right for another. Chasing someone else's life and talents stops us all from pursuing our own dreams and living our best lives. Recommendations Tune in to your emotions. Develop the ability to recognize and label emotions, such as envy, jealousy, and longing. Compulsively comparing yourself to someone else distracts from acknowledging your own feelings and puts distance between you and your solutions.

Gaining self-awareness through reflection improves self- Schedule regular times for self-reflection by setting aside time in your day to write in a journal or meditate. Minimize time on social media, or completely avoid it altogether. If you find yourself more times than not feeling worse about your life's course after logging on to social media, take a break from it. III) The organism reacts as an organized whole to this phenomenal field. Although there are still some who are primarily concerned with the segmental or atomistic type of organic reaction, there is increasing acceptance of the fact that one of the most basic characteristics of organic life is its tendency toward total, organized, goal-directed responses. This is true of those responses which are primarily physiological, as well as of those which we think of as psychological. Take such a matter as the maintenance of the water balance in the body. It has been shown that this is ordinarily maintained by the activity of the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland, which, when the body loses water, secretes more of an antidiuretic hormone, thus reducing the secretion of water by the kidney. This reaction would appear to be definitely of the atomistic type, reducible in the last analysis to purely chemical factors. But where the posterior lobe is experimentally removed, the animal drinks very large amounts of water, and thus maintains a satisfactory water balance in spite of the loss of the regulating mechanism (91, pp. It is thus the total, organized, goal-directed response which appears to be basic, as evidenced by the fact that, when one avenue is blocked off, the animal organizes to utilize another avenue to the same goal. The same would be true of various compensatory physiological phenomena. In the psychological realm, any simple S-R type of explanation of behavior seems almost impossible. That requires self-compassion, being kind to myself and recognizing that I've messed up at times, not because I am a bad person, but I was doing the best I could, trying to survive with the tools I had. It also requires that I recognize that I'm imperfect--and that that's okay. I have to be willing to let go of not being who I think I'm supposed to be and just accept who I actually am. What makes me vulnerable is what makes me beautiful. EXPRESSING VULNERABILITY IS A PRIVILEGE Conventional social attitudes cast vulnerability as weakness.

Prominent thought leaders like Brene Brown have challenged that, instead viewing vulnerability as desirable and encouraging us to take off our armor and express who we are. Please know that it is vital to approach this kind of undertaking with nuance. Vulnerability is more safely accessible for privileged people whose traits are valued by our society. For those with marginalized identities, showing ourselves may not always be safe. As we now know, social media naturally instigates feelings of envy, FOMO, inferiority, and feeling as though one's life is lacking. Beware of the dangers of black-and-white thinking and its impact on how you feel when consuming social media of any kind. Practice gratitude. Learn to appreciate all the good that is in your life, especially your own unique strengths and talents. Being grateful not only helps tame negative feelings brought about by social comparisons on social media and in our real-life relationships, but it also gives us a healthier perspective, leading to a truly authentic, fuller life! Leon Festinger, A Theory of Social Comparison Processes, Human Relations 7, no. Fiske, Envy Up, Scorn Down: How Comparison Divides Us, American Psychologist 65, no. Elizabeth L. Auchincloss, Eslee Samberg, and the American Psychoanalytic Association, Psychoanalytic Terms and Concepts (New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 2012). Melanie Klein, The Writings of Melanie Klein, vol. A young woman talks for an hour about her antagonism to her mother. She finds, following this, that a persistent asthmatic condition, which she has not even mentioned to the counselor, is greatly improved. On the other hand, a man who feels that his security in his work is being seriously threatened, develops ulcers. It is extremely cumbersome to try to account for such phenomena on the basis of an atomistic chain of events. The outstanding fact which must be taken into theoretical account is that the organism is at all times a total organized system, in which alteration of any part may produce changes in any other part. Our study of such part phenomena must start from this central fact of consistent, goal-directed organization.

IV) The organism has one basic tendency and striving -- to actualize, maintain, and enhance the experiencing organism. Rather than many needs and motives, it seems entirely possible that all organic and psychological needs may be described as partial aspects of this one fundamental need. It is difficult to find satisfactory words for this proposition. The particular phrasing is from Snygg and Combs. If I had declared myself trans as a kid in suburban New Jersey, I would have risked social exclusion and bullying at the very least. Some trans kids--particularly those with other marginalized identities--risk far worse violence when their identities are known or suspected. As another example, coming out as undocumented is an incredibly vulnerable act, and one that can end with functional incarceration (detention), deportation, and possibly physical violence or death. Or for Native people, the vulnerability of sharing their culture and resources led to genocide, as discussed earlier--this history has been wired into their bodies through historical trauma. It's no wonder that some descendants of Indigenous settlers self-protect. Marginalized people need to learn skills for managing stigma and determining how to self-reveal so we can be seen while maintaining the degree of safety we need. WORK THE STEPS How do we offer up our vulnerability? When is it valuable to armor up? The first thing to remember is that fear of vulnerability is universal. Emmons, Thanks: How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2008). Volkan Dogan, Why Do People Experience the Fear of Missing Out (FoMO)? Exposing the Link between the Self and the FoMO through Self-Construal, Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology 50, no. Grohol, 15 Common Cognitive Distortions, Psych Central, last updated June 24, 2019, https://psychcentral. Christopher Bergland, Face-to-Face Social Contact Reduces Risk of Depression, Psychology Today, October 5, 2015, Substance Abuse, Depression, Body Image, and the Importance of Social Media Literacy

When we are no longer able to change a situation . Psychologists and social scientists know that social media can trigger feelings of compare and despair, envy, shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. It can worsen many mental-health disorders; Since the ubiquitous use of social media, the rise in numbers of those who have died by suicide between the ages of ten to twenty-four years has jumped 56 percent from 2007 to 2017. The words used are an attempt to describe the observed directional force in organic life -- a force which has been regarded as basic by many scientists, but which has not been too well described in testable or operational terms. We are talking here about the tendency of the organism to maintain itself -- to assimilate food, to behave defensively in the face of threat, to achieve the goal of self-maintenance even when the usual pathway to that goal is blocked. We are speaking of the tendency of the organism to move in the direction of maturation, as maturation is defined for each species. This involves self-actualization, though it should be understood that this too is a directional term. The organism does not develop to the full its capacity for suffering pain, nor does the human individual develop or actualize his capacity for terror or, on the physiological level, his capacity for vomiting. The organism actualizes itself in the direction of greater differentiation of organs and of function. It moves in the direction of limited expansion through growth, expansion through extending itself by means of its tools, and expansion through reproduction. It moves in the direction of greater independence or self-responsibility. Its movement, as Angyal has pointed out (9, pp. This is true whether we are speaking of entirely unconscious organic processes, such as the regulation of body heat, or such uniquely human and intellectual functions as the choice of life goals. It's just our human nervous system registering a natural protective reaction. We are not alone. Everyone has been wounded and feels a need to self-protect. If we allow our fears to rule us and keep ourselves hidden, however, we never have the opportunity to see that we can be loved. Our defenses, while they make sense at some stages, become a habit and then aren't so useful. We have to keep reexamining them.