Most importantly, as I have said, we have had the experience of feeling safely held and soothed, and feeling felt. We have laid the groundwork for some new magic. Then, with the best friend--with Seth--comes something new: Not only do I feel felt by Seth, but I feel him. And he feels felt. And I feel him feeling felt. She had. (This is a big misconception about those of us who are bigger, by the way. We know we're big. We've tried a lot of things. It's not easy, as the entirety of this piece of writing has shown you. ) At one point, just like many obese people, Patty experienced something she called diet fatigue and she wanted to give up. You can only hit your head against the wall a million times, and at a million and one, you ask, Why do I keep doing this? <a href=''>'</a> she told me. <a href=''>That's</a> when she found a physician who was an expert in obesity. <a href=';pid=891019;zid=0;pbg=0;cid=0;ctcid=0;mid=0;sid=0;redirecturl='>Therefore,</a> if you want to build trust, revealing more about your own feelings and your values and beliefs will encourage people to trust you. <a href='[]'>People</a> can appear to listen by nodding and making eye contact, but their response sometimes tells you that they are not truly listening to what you have said. <a href='[]'>Truly</a> active listening includes not only giving physical signs that you are listening (making eye contact, nodding and vocalising), but also asking questions, reflecting back and summarising what the other person has said to show you have understood it. <a href='[]'>We</a> often think that communicating with other people is about telling them what we think, rather than asking them what they think. <a href='[]=%3Ca+href=%22'>The</a> economist J K Galbraith 4 summed this up when he saidIn the choice between changing one's mind and proving there's no need to, most people get busy on the proof.

' True communication is genuinely two-way, with each person being willing to change their mind. The give and take of communication is known as advocacy (how people make statements) and inquiry (how people ask questions). 5 High quality in both advocacy and inquiry facilitates mutual learning about each other's point of view and a collaborative approach to resolving differences. The figure below shows the behaviours when people have low levels of give and take (bottom left corner) and high levels (top right corner). It might seem odd to plan to communicate. then sixty and seventy came so fast, I didn't do it. Now I see a girl once in a while, she has a car. I'm not walking so good. I told her, look, all you're going to get out of me is my favorite dishes, Chinese food. It's no sexual thing, not even romantic kissing. I give her a little smack on the cheek, that's about it. Fred, I thought, could use a mate: someone to share meals and expenses, give him reasons to turn on the charm. He was a flatterer who liked being flattered, and often reminded me that he was known as a sharp dresser, a bon vivant. Though he was always cheery during my visits, I wondered what he was like during the long stretches when no one stopped by. If he had a partner they could go to church or on walks together, and rediscover the joys of sex, whatever these meant at his age. This is, for an adolescent, something altogether revelatory: A symmetrical relationship. This intense new form of relationship will call forth entirely new parts of our self. And once we fully experience these parts, we will never be the same. How does this happen? Well, throughout our childhood and adolescence, we have had fascinations with others--fascinations, I mean, with peers.

And occasionally, but not often, this other with whom we are fascinated is also fascinated with us. Now the magic really begins. We have found a friend who wants to know us. Who needs to know us. Who seems, amazingly, as interested in our story as we are in his. And a big piece of the puzzle that Patty had to solve for herself was to work on the damage that the bias and stigma had caused and how deeply she had internalized it. During our phone interview, hearing her talk about this is when I started to tear up. I hadn't ever really thought about how much shame I felt about my body--the shame I feel even as I type this--because of what others think. I realized Patty's story was very similar to my own. Just like me, she hadn't realized there was this thing called weight bias. And just like me, she had to first learn to love herself, to push away the negative thoughts, before she could make changes that lasted. If you're internalizing incredibly negative things about yourself, where is your impetus to change or make any behavior changes? she said. It's a constant daily battle to remember I'm not a failure. That I'm not worthless. After all, we communicate all the time, usually without thinking about it. But that's the problem - often our communication does not achieve the result we want and some advance thought can make a big difference. The template below can be used to plan any type of communication at work or at home (a phone call, a team briefing, a conversation about progress on a project, a meeting, a performance discussion). Sam had to work on a key project with a newly appointed manager in another part of the business, based in the US, so it was not possible to meet face to face and the time overlap of their working days was limited. The American manager was female and this added to Sam's apprehension about the meeting and his worry that he would not be able to influence her to get what he needed.

He had set up a virtual meeting with her for the following week but had done no planning for the meeting. We used the template above to talk through his approach. Prior to our discussion, he had not thought about specifically what he wanted from the meeting or how to go about getting it. He was quiet and reserved, with a navigator style, and did not typically take the initiative in meetings, so we worked on what he would say to open the meeting, including setting out the purpose. He rehearsed this with me, and with feedback about his speed and tone of voice and his body language, he improved it to have a more assertive impact. It would also force him into a more regular schedule, which might stabilize his diet and help him remember to take his medications--all buffers against the diabetes that was behind the ulcerous infections in his toes. Maybe a partner would even come with an apartment in an elevator building. Fred would have none of it. My brother got mad at me, said Are you crazy? <a href=''>'</a> he said. <a href=''>If she looks good and you think she's got a home, talk to her. ' I haven't done it. Now I don't feel like doing it. If she says, `Honey, go out there and clean the car,' if I feel good, okay. If I don't, I probably won't do it, and she'll probably get upset. Whatever we call it, this new kind of intensely reciprocal relationship is an engrossing experience. We feel almost mystically drawn to this important new other. There is some new kind of exchange here--a heady new exchange of energy and information. Philosophers, poets, and writers have studied this kind of friendship since pretty much forever, I suppose, because it is one of the most powerful experiences in human life. Plato.

Gibran. Shakespeare. The Buddha. Kabir. The authors of the Bhagavad Gita. That I am a confident woman who has many successes in her life, and has gotten somewhat of a handle on her weight. Not totally--some of that is out of my control. Patty said the idea of feeling good about herself had to come first for her. She doesn't necessarily think that should be the case for everyone to start to make changes, but it's what worked for her. It's what's worked for me, too. About five years ago, after I cut booze and a lot of unhealthy food out of my diet, I was able to start liking myself again. The person I saw in the mirror was someone I enjoyed. I liked how I was changing my behavior and treating others with more respect. I spent more time volunteering, helping others out, giving back. It made me feel good. He also found it helpful to think about what the other manager might want from the meeting and what would be a success from her point of view, and we discussed how to end the meeting on a positive note. A few weeks later, at our next session, he was delighted to tell me that the meeting had gone very well and he was continuing to use the planning template for other communications. Each style has a specific focus for how they influence other people and their energy creates an impact on others. Being aware of your strengths in influencing others enhances your confidence and means you can use your talents consciously. Being aware of the pitfalls of each style means you can avoid them in yourself and respond constructively to them in others.