Date Tags pointers

By forgiving, you are accepting what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution with it. It may happen quite quickly or it may be a gradual process. You might find it helpful to write an honest, emotional letter telling the other person how hurt and angry you are. Then tear it up and burn it. As you watch the smoke rise, imagine it carrying your hurt and disappointment into the air; let it go. Forgiveness puts the final seal on what happened that hurt you. You will still remember what happened, but you will no longer be bound by it. I did something similar when I was working on my autobiography for my family. The disorganization and duplication got me so stalled that I gave up, at least for a while. The task of organizing it and getting going again just seems overwhelming, and I'm stuck. With this ADD book, I thought I was about finished, and now I have to make myself stick to this tedious boring editing. Furthermore, without the duplications now I'm down to only about one hundred pages and a lot of negative self-talk. But in the editing process I came across one sentence at the end of a paragraph: "I am going to finish this book." That sentence is positive self-talk and I can use it to counter the negative self-talk. I am going to finish the book. This current lament adds a page and I'm about through with the tedious work of taking out the duplications. I'm back on track. So you're lucky; you will be able to read the book after all. It is understandable to want to win and have the other person take all the responsibility for the problem. However, this rarely happens. Most problems are best solved when both parties work together.

Focus on your common interestsIf the conversation gets sidetracked, keep coming back to the goals or interests that both of you share in the situation. strategy can help keep the talk from taking on a "me against you" tone, and bring it back to a "what's in it for us" tone. For example, "I know that we both want to have a clean home." The first thing I want to share with you is that I still deal with some form of stress. Notice that I said deal with. Yes, how you choose to deal with and manage your stress is entirely up to you. Bertie, a man in his thirties, came to me in a state of deep despondency. He'd just lost both another girlfriend and another job. I thought he'd want to discuss his problems but in fact he wanted to discuss almost anything else. He was very bright, with an impressive college degree. He told me that the college courses he'd liked were easy for him and he made good grades, but he'd struggled with the courses he wasn't so interested in. He is a good athlete and an accomplished outdoorsman. He loved to teach me outdoor lore and other things from his impressive store of knowledge. But not much about himself. I gradually learned more whenever I could induce him to talk about himself. Very gradually, because he was slow to reveal much. I am a strong believer in choosing one's battles. Have you thought about why you're stressing and what's truly causing your stress? During many interviews, people have shared with me that often they feel stressed and they don't know why. I believe once you find out what's really causing your stress, then you will be able to address the issue, problem, or concern. This will transform the way you think about and resolve your situation.

We all experience some type of adversity because it's just a part of life. Whether you are dealing with family matters, health concerns, financial setbacks, career or workplace challenges, you can't let the stresses drag you down. But in order to do that, you have to name the stress clearly. You have to know the why and what. Otherwise, it becomes scarier and unmanageable. You need to acknowledge, face, and own the facts of what's causing your stresses. If you are in denial of what's causing your stress, it will be virtually impossible to change your situation. Although feelings of guilt or shame can be distressing, remember that, like all emotions, guilt has a positive intent; to prompt you to put right a decision or action by you that has hurt or offended someone else. If, for example, you felt guilty about having pulled out of a friend's special occasion, then your guilt can prompt you to make it up to her in some way. If you never felt remorse or guilt, how could you ever care about how your actions could affect others? Guilt only becomes a negative, harmful emotion when you allow it to overwhelm you with shame or self-loathing. Or if you allow it to paralyse you so that you fail to take positive action. Parenthood, for example, seems to bring a lot of guilty feelings with it. You can feel guilty when you've been irritated and impatient with your children, or when you don't spend as much time with them as you think you should, if you miss a school performance or a meeting with their teacher and so on. I slowly learned that he'd had many jobs, few of which had lasted very long. I learned that his parents helped support him financially much of the time and were pretty fed up with him. They gave him a lot of good advice, a lot of constructive criticisms and a lot of just plain criticisms. His father depended on him for help in a number of areas, but considered him a lazy bum. Nobody likes being criticized, but, if you keep calm, you can sometimes learn some very useful things. As difficult as it is to hear, constructive feedback can be helpful.

It lets you see another person's perspective, and can help you change your actions so they match your intentions and help clear up misunderstandings. Often, people get so caught up in having stress in their lives that they develop a mindset of just waiting for the next shoe to drop. When happy times come, they are not living in the present moment to embrace it. Have you ever heard a person say, This experience is too good to be true or I'd better enjoy it while I can because I know something is going to happen or Good things don't last forever? I believe that people who think like that have developed a habit of accepting stress as normal. So they live a life filled with stress, never recognizing or appreciating the good times and great moments when they come. Train your mind to think differently, just as we discussed in previous chapters. When you are feeling stress, train your mind to think something great and tell yourself you will not tolerate stress. There are many forms of criticism; some are hard to miss, and others are subtle. Here are some common types of criticism: Guilt is not the sole preserve of parents though - guilt can occur as a result of a wide range of events. Perhaps you lost or broke something belonging to a friend or family member? Maybe you let someone down, said something derogatory or unkind. Whatever it is, your perception of the events is that you think you did wrong and now you feel like crap! And the more you replay events over in your mind, the worse you seem to make them. It's like a game of Chinese whispers going on in your head: the more you replay it, the more distorted it becomes. But hanging on to guilt serves no purpose. You have to forgive yourself. You can do that in the same way as you forgive someone else. First, acknowledge, without exaggerating or minimizing what happened, the extent to which you were responsible. There may have been mitigating circumstances; you may have had no option but to do what you did; you may have been unable to get time off work to get to your child's school play; you may have been stressed when you made a critical remark; it may have been a complete accident that you broke something belonging to someone else.

This criticism is open and direct, but not necessarily aggressive, e.g., "You made a mistake on this report." The reason for the criticism is explained. This communication style can be assertive, or may be aggressive. This type of criticism often aims to communicate a problem. It is the most useful type of feedback and the easiest to deal with. His sister was the family star; he could never measure up to her. During the time we worked together, Bertie went through a number of jobs. Somehow he always found jobs in which the boss was impossible, unreasonable, of borderline intelligence at best, and often psychologically impaired (please note the faint sarcasm here.) I already knew of my own ADD when I started seeing Bertie and I was able to quickly diagnose his. The job history was the first clue. It made a significant difference in his bottomed out self-esteem to begin to learn what the problem was and to better understand what had been going on, but his selfesteem still remained low. He started Ritalin which significantly helped his functioning, but not enough, and Ritalin couldn't do much for his self-esteem. In my case, I changed the way I looked at my stresses by helping others transform their lives through self-care and deal with the stress of caring for a loved one. Once I created this vision, I had to study and learn the specifics of how to help others. Words can't express the joy I received from helping others in my family, community, and in the world. My healing came from helping others, which allowed me to deal with my stresses head-on. That was a healthy outcome of not just focusing on myself. Life is far too short to live a life of stress and anxieties. You must, though, take responsibility for what you did. Don't seek to place blame elsewhere. Avoid, too, justifying what you did or pointing out the parts of the situation that you were not responsible for. Simply acknowledge the other person's pain without minimizing it, without excuses and without revisiting details of the situation.