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There is only the illusion of solace in beauty. If age and disability teach us anything, it is that investing in beauty will never set us free. Beauty has always been hurled as a weapon. It has always taken the form of an exclusive club, and supposed protection against violence, isolation and pain, but this is a myth. I never felt my parents really had my back. This made me not trust them and others in my life. I now realize how having emotionally unreliable parents affected my ability to trust others, damaged my self-esteem, my self-concept, and my ability to cope, especially with my anxiety, in healthier ways. It's also why I'm constantly seeking reassurance from my friends. I hope I can be the mom I always wanted when I eventually have my kids. Anxious Attachment, Social Media, and Studies examining the relationship between attachment styles and social media indicate that those with anxious attachments, like Kayla, misuse social media, using it as a means for meeting their attachment needs. Anxiously attached social-media users often overshare to fulfill the need for belonging and reassurance. They are also overly concerned with their online impressions, spending an excessive amount of time crafting comments and photoshopping uploaded pictures to their Another consequence related to anxiously attached social media users is a reported increase in anxiety after being online. Maybe my wife will grow more independent. Something of the way in which the thinking and the attitude of the course become involved in the working through of his own problems is indicated by this portion from the seventh interview. have this feeling this is the best way for me to work out my own salvation and my own adjustment. The rest is up to me. C382: The effort that might be needed is going to have to be yours. S382: Problems here are relatively simply in this school situation.

The very approach used here doesn't put any pressure on us. It's a sort of, as I put it once before, it's sort of a nurturing situation. Dr Rogers and the rest of you are nurturing along our growth. C383: You feel new sprouts every now and then, coming out of it. It is not true, even for those accepted into the club. I don't think we can reclaim beauty, Mingus says eloquently. Luna elaborates on this point in another essay, On Being Fat, Brown, Femme, Ugly, and Unlovable: Under colonial constructions of beauty and desire, being fat and brown and queer and femme means being ugly . Ugly is how I move through the world, how I am viewed by strangers, coworkers, potential lovers, employers, family, community members, doctors, professors, service industry workers, et cetera, and this perception affects how I am treated daily. I have been denied job opportunities because of my body. I do not fit into restaurant booths, airplane seats, or school desks comfortably--which serves as a constant reminder that this world was not built to accommodate me . I do not mean to say that absolutely no fat folks or People of Color are loved or desired. On the contrary, I see many inspiring examples of this in my own community. However, larger cultural systems that inform individual decisions and desires have been sculpted by centuries of intentional privileging of particular bodies and the marginalization of others. As Mingus explains: We all run from the ugly . The use of social-networking sites can trigger a cycle of anxiety for anxiously attached individuals by simultaneously acting as a trigger for relationship anxiety and a coping tool for anxiety reduction when emotionally distressed. This cycle, in part, is because insecurely attached people are preoccupied with how others perceive them. They look to others for reassurance and emotional support and are more likely to struggle with low self-esteem. Kayla was able to identify this pattern of behavior playing out in her relationships. A significant goal of Kayla's treatment was to learn how to develop secure relationships. Fortunately, a person's style of attachment can be revised through new experiences, interacting with a partner who has a history of being securely attached, and making sense of one's past through psychotherapy.

First, Kayla and I worked hard to establish a therapeutic relationship that allowed her to feel secure enough to open up and take emotional risks in sessions. Second, Kayla and I examined both her present and past relationships in which she felt somewhat secure. Kayla had a loving relationship with a grandmother who had died when she was twelve years old. Presently, she has an aunt she has a good relationship with who acts as a stand-in for her mother at times in Kayla's life when she can benefit from a mother-like figure. S383: Yes, but it is still a nurturing situation. A lot of acceptance here. It's relatively not a difficult situation to handle. It's going to be a little bit different when we get back to our jobs where we bump into the problems of life. This approach does not eliminate those problems. It helps people handle them. Well, I'm hoping to handle mine better. I've got myself involved with people, and compete unconsciously. If I'm not accepted completely, a certain disappointment sets in. All these things have brushed through my mind. What would it mean if we were ugly? What would it mean if we didn't run from our own ugliness or each other's? How do we take the sting out of ugly'? <a href=',-it-has-the-my-own-role-to-completely-fully-grasp-your-company-culture'>What</a> would happen if we stopped apologizing for our ugly, stopped being ashamed of it? <a href=''>What</a> if we let go of being beautiful, stopped chasingpretty,' stopped sucking in and shrinking and spending enormous amounts of money and time on things that don't make us magnificent? She continues, I am not saying it is easy to be ugly without apology.

It is hard as f*. It threatens our survival. I recognize the brilliance in our instinct to move toward beauty and desirability. And it takes time and for some of us it may be impossible. In sessions, Kayla spent a lot of time remembering and examining her more secure and healthier relationships. And for the first time, Kayla began forming new relationships that were more secure. She was now able to identify a model of secure attachment that guided her future relationships. Over time, Kayla learned how to manage her anxiety skillfully. She used less externalizing coping styles, like posting Kayla also began to use more personalized methods of computer-mediated communications, like Skype, FaceTime, and private and instant messaging. She found this type of CMC actually to deepen her virtual relationships. Multimedia communication allowed Kayla to maintain eye contact and hear the person's tone of voice she was interacting with, which reduced the chances for ambiguity, and which in turn greatly reduced Kayla's anxiety. In Kayla's final session with me, she exclaimed, I feel as though I'm getting to know my friends and myself on a deeper level! Having more stable and secure relationships makes me feel calmer in general. They tie up with dependency, the need to be accepted. Karen Horney does a beautiful job of that. I've had a lot of that. Often wondered why my chasing after women -- how much of it is related to that. I was trying to work through that last night. Am I not exaggerating the worth of these marvelous creatures?

C384: Whether they in themselves are worth what value you give them, or whether they are meeting a need -- S384: -- that is in me. A sort of need to be accepted. My own value becomes reflected in their acceptance. I know it is complicated . And I also know that though it may be a way to survive, it will not be a way to thrive, to grow the kind of genders and world we need. There's hope embodied in the closing to Mingus' speech: If you leave with anything today, leave with this: you are magnificent. There is magnificence in our ugliness. There is power in it, far greater than beauty can ever wield. Work to not be afraid of the Ugly--in each other or ourselves. Work to learn from it, to value it. Know that every time we turn away from ugliness, we turn away from ourselves. And always remember this: I would rather you be magnificent than beautiful, any day of the week. I would rather you be ugly--magnificently ugly. I no longer get overly anxious or freaked out when I don't get an immediate response or reaction from my friends. For the first time in her life, Kayla has genuine, reciprocal interactions and relationships, both online and offline. It feels good to no longer have to frantically attach myself to just anyone so I can stop feeling miserable. I'm learning to depend on myself more and even to enjoy time on my own. I'm also being selective about who I decide to spend my time with. Kayla's self-esteem dramatically improved, along with her ability to validate her emotions, trust her decisions, and feel secure in her capabilities.