The task had much reality for these personal counselors, since the problem presented by the client was a vocational one, with many emotional concomitants and indications of personal maladjustment. The client material was always the same with only those minimal adjustments following the counselor's responses which might be necessary to give a conversational continuity to the interview. The interview was held privately with each of the thirty-seven trainees in turn, and was in each case recorded. The trainee was requested not to discuss the experience with his fellows. Recognizing that the problem is not in your body can be especially challenging for fat people as there is such a strong cultural narrative supporting the myth that fatness is under individual control. Some research shows that fat individuals have lower group identification and are more likely to endorse stereotypes about their identity than other stigmatized groups, such as racial or religious minorities. Please, resist that. Anyone can have negative experiences or emotions around their body, but it isn't the same as the systemic discrimination that fat bodies face. Finding fat and fat-accepting community can be life-altering. You can only be so resilient alone. Recognizing that you're not alone helps reinforce this understanding that the problem is not you. By speaking out and sharing our shame with others, we learn that our personal stories are never ours alone. There are strong connections between what we experience and social, political, and economic influences. Your shame is at once personal and political. Joanne, in her mid-fifties and a stay-at-home mom, compulsively spent her days scrolling through her friends' social-media profiles on Facearticle, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Pinterest. She'd spend hours studying other people's status updates, check-ins, and pictures, only to find herself deep in a destructive rabbit hole of time lost in order to avoid thinking about how lonely, scared, and sad she always felt. Her oldest daughter was about to leave for college in just a few months. The few friends Joanne had, used social media to post pictures of their families and updates about their lives. On the one hand, social media seemed foolish to Joanne. I can't understand why anyone would share their lives with the world!

Secretly, however, Joanne admitted she was very concerned about how others perceived her on social media. On the rare occasion she did post anything, she'd carefully consider which pictures to post, making sure they showed her and her family at their very best. Joanne also secretly longed to have close relationships, but she didn't know how to be emotionally supportive to others, especially to her family. Joanne's inner critic--I'm fine being alone or I don't need close friends--stopped her from getting close to people, and her defensive style of relating to others was interfering with her having fuller and more joyful relationships. At the end of the six weeks' training the same interview was repeated with each trainee. As an additional measure, each trainee conducted an interview with another role-playing staff member, who took the part of another client John Jones. This second interview presented very much the same basic problem and attitudes, but in an entirely different contextual setting. The results on these two post-training interviews were so similar that they will be treated as one in describing the outcomes of the study. The counselor responses in these interviews were analyzed in two ways. The first was a technique analysis, to determine the type of counseling procedures utilized. The second was a locus of evaluation analysis, in which a rating was given to each response on a five-point scale to indicate whether the counselor was (1) thinking and communicating completely with the expressed attitudes of the client, (2) thinking about and with the client, (3) thinking about the client, balancing the locus of evaluation inside and outside the client, (4) thinking and communicating about and for the client, (5) thinking for the client. Both these measures proved to have adequate reliability, other judges showing complete agreement with the investigator in 83 per cent of the items of the technique analysis and 66 per cent of the items of the locus-of-evaluation rating. Specific Outcomes. What were the outcomes of the six weeks' training course as measured by these procedures? When we critically examine the big picture, we are better able to reality-check our personal experience of shame and the cultural expectations that fuel it. The #MeToo movement is an excellent example. Started by Tarana Burke in 2006 and popularized by Alyssa Milano and others in 2017, it supported people in coming forward with their stories of sexual violence, giving solace to many. Speaking our shame in the right circumstances helps strip its power. If we're met with understanding and empathy, we can sit in kindness, helping us tolerate the discomfort. The pain may not go away, but we improve our ability to be with it.

It's ironic, then, that shame pushes us away from people. Human connection is shame's kryptonite, yet shame pushes us on instinct to isolate ourselves. In other words, the place where we can heal is the place we are often too ashamed to go. Think about what you've done to try to manage shame, whether it's withdrawing, taking it out on yourself, or lashing out at others. In a nutshell, Joanne was missing out on what makes life great--having close relationships with those we love. The Significance of the Parental Mirror For us to develop into healthy adults with ambitions, goals, and self-esteem, as young children we needed to receive a certain degree of positive attention from our parents or parent substitutes. One crucial way in which parents give their children positive attention is by mirroring. Parents mirror their young children when they validate them, confirm them, and take great pleasure in their unique sense of self and achievements. Mirroring is also an essential building block for developing secure attachments and healthy self-esteem, because the act of mirroring over time is what we need in order to develop a healthy degree of confidence and emotional stability and a cohesive identity. Parental mirroring is also vital for the development of healthy emotional regulation, empathy, and creativity. Sites like Facearticle and Instagram provide us with an endless abundance of social comparison opportunities; The absence of mirroring and validation in our early years, characteristic of anxiously and avoidantly attached childhoods, inhibits the cultivation of healthy self-esteem and the development of a cohesive sense of self and strong identity. It's unsurprising that many anxiously and avoidantly attached individuals also struggle with feeling empty and inadequate. It was found that the group had from their previous reading a fairly high verbal knowledge of nondirective counseling when they entered the course. Thus on the paper-and-pencil test of tendencies they used reflection 49 per cent of the time at the beginning of the course, diagnostic responses 19 per cent of the time, interpretation 18 per cent, and support and moralization least. At the end of the six weeks' period they used reflection 85 per cent, interpretation 12 per cent; The comparison between this verbal knowledge on a paper-and-pencil test and the actual functioning of the trainees in an interview situation is of the greatest interest. While using 49 per cent reflection on the paper-and-pencil test, they used only 11 per cent reflection in the interview, and only a fraction of those responses were real responses to the emotionalized attitude. The rest were clarification of the intellectual idea or repetition of the content.

The summarized analysis of their pre-training-performance in the interviews showed 84 per cent directive responses, 11 per cent nondirective, and 5 per cent innocuous, falling in neither group. The locus-of-evaluation measure showed 16 per cent of the responses in the first two categories, indicating an effort to think with the client and to place the locus of evaluation with him, while 60 per cent of the responses involved thinking about and for the client. At the end of the training period, the picture has changed rather sharply. Reflection is used as a technique nearly 60 per cent of the time. Consider the impact it's had on you, perhaps loneliness, disconnection, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, other self-harm, rage, blame, resentment, grief, loss, damage to relationships. Managing your shame can save you from much of that pain--and from harming others, too. Have you hurt others, acting out of shame? I watched an interaction recently where someone accused their friend of being self-centered. What really was going on was they felt ignored and disrespected but were too ashamed to have the conversation from a starting point of vulnerability. The blaming transferred the shame to the other person, enabling them to temporarily feel better about themselves. It didn't help the relationship in the long run, though. While I don't want to add more shame onto your load, it's important to pay attention to the impact of your shame reaction on others. It's not only compassionate, but it might even help you. I, for instance, sometimes find more motivation in attending to others than to myself--and this outward focus motivates me to be a better person. As adults, anxiously and avoidantly attached individuals are more likely to rely on social comparisons as a means for reassurance and for finding answers to life's questions, like, What should I do with my life? How should I behave? Whom should I marry? What kind of parent should I be? Where should I go for vacation? What should I be interested in doing?

I will discuss the influence of social media on social comparisons in more detail in article 3. Healthy Self-Esteem as a By-Product of Secure Attachment Have you ever wondered what self-esteem is? Have you ever thought you had low self-esteem? The summarized analysis shows 30 per cent directive responses, 59 per cent nondirective, and 11 per cent innocuous. Perhaps most important of all, at the end of training this interview test showed that in 60 per cent of the responses the counselor was thinking with the client and placing the locus of evaluation within him. Tables III and IV will indicate some of these changes. Examination of this table and of additional aspects of Blocksma's data accentuate the place which the degree of assimilation of client-centeredness had in predicting success on the job. Since the group was highly heterogeneous in its counseling abilities at the outset, it would seem entirely logical to suppose that the final effectiveness on the job would be primarily predicted by the pre-tests, which would discriminate between the better and poorer counselors. Any effect of the course learning might be expected to be a slight modification of these basic predictions. But such is not the case. The pre-tests do not predict success to any very significant degree. But the extent to which the trainee has assimilated a client-centered approach, whether this involved a great or small amount of learning for him, appears to be the most adequate predictor of the effectiveness with which he will counsel clients in his own office, on his own responsibility, a year later. In general, then, Blocksma's study shows that learning of a client-centered approach occurred during this six weeks' course, and that those who showed the deepest assimilation of attitudes and procedures were the ones most likely to be regarded as effective on the job one year later. Healing from shame may require grieving for the love and respect you deserve but may not always get. For example, your parents may never accept your partner with loving arms. Or, to get by, you may have to work a job where you feel disrespected or make choices that go against your values. Painful as it is to accept unfairness, grieving helps you take the weight off your own shoulders and put it outside you, where it belongs. OWNING STIGMATIZED IDENTITIES Much shame is rooted in the challenge of appreciating ourselves and overcoming messages of inadequacy about who we are.