Most likely, she isn't making choices based on any words she heard you speak; Be honest with her. This is how you encourage her to be honest with you. Don't hide your feelings from her and she won't hide hers from you. Don't judge her priorities and she won't judge yours. When we fall in love, it feels like we're addicted to the other person, as if they're a drug. Fisher found that cocaine and falling in love light up the same regions of the brain. The fading of our lust is also a strategic evolutionary move. Our addiction to our partner keeps us around long enough to have a baby and raise him or her together until the child is around four years old, old enough to be somewhat independent (at least on the ancient savanna) and survive. Once our work there is done, lust fades, and our brain frees us to create new children with new partners, increasing the chance that at least one of our children will live to adulthood and carry on our DNA. If you're judging your relationship during a stage when you have sex all the time, how well can you predict what the relationship will be like when that slows down? And if it's good sex you're after, there's no guarantee someone who is attractive will even be good in bed. There may be skills that beautiful people never develop because they don't need to. An episode of the TV show 30 Rock called The Bubble takes this idea to the extreme. Jon Hamm plays a character who is insulated by his own handsomeness. Danielle would brew a cup of mint tea, turn on instrumental music, light a few candles, and pull out her poetry articles and journal, letting whatever needed releasing come out onto the article. It freed something inside of her as she processed her grief and trauma, and worked to make sense of life and her place in it. She traveled back in time to her childhood, exploring how she never felt like she fit into her family. She wrote about her strained relationship with her mother, whom she felt had been judgmental and controlling, and her father, whom she never felt she had a connection with. As she understood her family dynamics, it clarified why her relationship with her husband had been so monumental in her life.

From writing, Danielle found her way to a movement therapy class. She had never taken a dance class before, but through her journaling she realized that she needed to find a new version of life for herself. She vowed to try different activities. Dancing calmed her, and it was another outlet for her to express her emotions. Through dance, she reconnected to her body. Your child is offering you a chance to review your progress. If she has habits that irritate you, she is reflecting habits in you that need more healing. Let her inspire you. Let her priorities help to revive yours. As you encourage her to follow her heart without any back-biting comments, you start respecting your direction. As you give her the freedom to pursue her tastes, you wake up to the pleasures of your tastes. As you respect her schedule and trust that she knows where to be and when to be there, your own resourcefulness explodes. As you respect her values as having validity in her universe, you start respecting the validity of your values. As you accept and welcome her friends, you see the friendliness in those she has befriended. Ask only that she honor each person in the family as she longs to be honored. He's a former tennis pro who can't serve, a doctor who doesn't know the Heimlich maneuver, and as Tina Fey's character complains, He's as bad at sex as I am. Her suave boss knows this phenomenon firsthand: That is the danger of being super-handsome, he tells her. When you're in the bubble, nobody ever tells you the truth. So yeah, don't assume that the best-looking people make the best lovers. Finally, remember what we just learned about adaptation.

Even if you marry the most attractive person, eventually, you'll get used to how they look. That initial pleasure will fade. A big part of our sex drive is associated with novelty. So no matter how hot your partner is, it's likely that your sexual interest in them will decrease over time, simply because they are no longer new to you. To paraphrase some Internet wisdom: For every hot person, there is someone out there tired of having sex with them. She was surprised to find how much trauma and pain she had stored in it. As she moved, she could feel her emotions rise--the fear, sadness, loneliness, and sense of abandonment. Danielle spent the next three years reconnecting to herself and processing her experience of losing her husband. Her road to recovery wasn't instantaneous--none really are--but she felt transformed. Through writing and dance, she found the parts of herself that had gotten locked away, and she started to put herself back together in a different way. She takes solo trips, and she's gone on a couple of organized ones. She still journals and writes poetry, and she dances regularly and found she loves the tango. She's back to cooking healthy meals and taking care of her body. She's even told her sister that she thinks she may be ready to start dating. She's not in a rush, but the idea of connecting again doesn't terrify her as it once did. Then, emotional harmony reigns within that unit. Your fondest hope was to know this beautiful energy. All that she represents is all that you hoped she would be. As you respect her journey, your journey accelerates. As you make an effort to understand her better, you receive the understanding you need.

As you praise her maturity, your wisdom deepens. As you encourage her fulfillment, your fulfillment expands. Peer pressure begins as soon your child values the opinions of his contemporaries. You may not understand why he values those opinions but whether you do or not is irrelevant; He deals with issues that are important to his evolution regardless of your evolution. Infatuation fades! Lust fades! All that matters is that you feel attracted to the person, not that you scored the hottest possible person. Key tip for your dating search Physical attraction can obscure long-term compatibility. Pay attention to whether or not you're attracted to someone and focus less on how society would evaluate that person's looks. Don't prioritize lust over more important long-term factors. My clients often complain that they need to find a partner with a personality similar to theirs. I hear: I'm so extroverted and he's so introverted. It would never work. There are still days and certain times of the year when she misses her husband and her pain resurfaces, but she recognizes it. She'll journal about it, call her sister or a close friend, go for a bike ride, or work in the garden, another activity she discovered she really enjoys. She now has tools she can use to help her explore and move through whatever intense emotion or experience comes into her life. In the end, that's all any of us can ask for, really. We don't and can't control what happens in our lives, but we can control how we respond to and what we do with them.

Did you find something new to try, or did you remember an activity that you once did that felt nurturing? Now is the time to sit and consider what one practice you can bring into your life today. Could it be embracing creativity and the arts--music, writing, dancing? Could it be expanding to find a new, healthier, and more supportive community? Could it be exploring and finding a deeper spiritual connection? Negative peer pressure is what a youngster succumbs to when he can't find acceptance away from that pressure. Not only is he unsure of his likes and dislikes, he is unsure of his value in the eyes of his contemporaries. In order to find his answers, he takes a path that he thinks will reveal them. If your child knows exactly who he is, what he loves, and why he loves, no one can persuade him to do things differently. How does a child gain this much confidence? He gains it by testing ideas and receiving feedback. Every time you trust his wisdom, he trusts his wisdom a little bit more. A teenager who is learning to trust his judgment is more likely to make constructive choices. You help him to make those choices by reassuring him that he is accountable and in control of his life. You help him become accountable by reassuring him that he is the one who lives with the results of all his decisions. Or: I'm really neurotic and nothing ever seems to bother him. We're just not a match. I've found this sentiment especially common among my older clients. When we're younger and we enter a relationship, it's like a start-up--two people coming together to build something. We're more flexible and still figuring out what we want.