I spent so much time there that I never bothered to buy furniture for my home or set up a home Internet connection. Then, about two weeks before I was scheduled to present my dissertation, I caught a nasty case of the flu. I trudged into the office every day and stayed late into the night, the same as always, ignoring how sick I felt. Since I didn't give myself any time to heal, the flu wouldn't go away. On the day of my dissertation defense, I was still running a fever and shivering in my suit jacket, trying desperately to hide it as I presented the results of my research. Our early ancestors showed signs of EQ: creating social bonds that led to the formation of small tribes who hunted collaboratively in packs, huddled together for warmth, and cared for the ill and elders. All of which was managed without traditional intelligence associated with IQ or even the sophistication of a common spoken tongue. Our overall intelligence (or perception of value) isn't exactly something we're critically born with. Like other animals, we may be super cute in infancy but we're really quite useless. They're coerced so that they learn to stand within minutes of birth. They have to, otherwise they'd perish from not being able to drink their mother's milk. Baby dolphins are born with complex echolocation biosonar, which they rapidly begin experimenting with and expanding within days. We, on the other hand, lie for months in a cot, unable to do anything other than piss, fart, poo, burp, spit, drool and puke -- often simultaneously. I tell you what, it's a damn good job we are super cute or our parents might be tempted to trade us in rather than nurturing and infusing us with value and love over long periods of time. I'm starting to understand that he figured I'd become enough of a grown-up, and was certainly enough of a devoted son, that I would do it and get through it, and then carry on. In that painful moment Mark knew what it meant to honor his father. It was as if all of Ted's life as a father and Mark's as a son was preparation for that supreme moment. To love a person so much that for their own sake you let them go--that is a powerful love. And for all of Mark's days yet to come, when courage born of love is needed, he will summon his father from within and allow that faith and love to guide him. It is the beauty of what remains from the love of a father and a son.

We are raised to believe that if we make the right decisions in life, there will be good outcomes, and that if we make the wrong decisions, there will be bad outcomes. Most people who come to see me about a problem have no good options, only bad and worse. I'd do my best to ignore it all day, for the sake of remaining productive, but every evening I'd start shaking and would feel so weak and faint that I'd have to lie on the ground, wrapped in blankets, until morning. I spent that summer bundled in electric blankets feeling absolutely freezing cold, even on ninety-degree days. I tried to hide from my employer that I was debilitatingly sick. Even once we're old enough to run around generally making a nuisance of ourselves, like baby elephants (who really are very cute), we're still rather daft. Other animals learn quickly to fend for themselves without quite so many f*ck ups. You won't hear a mummy elephant trumpeting the equivalent of our ancestors' grunts: 'Don't touch that! Intelligence, especially the emotional kind, is something you can improve and develop over time. So, naturally, while on the topic of emotional intelligence, let's talk about psychopaths. There are a few people among the general populous falling outside the spectrum of 'normal'. In other words, somewhat incapacitated to develop their EQ potential. Psychopaths and sociopaths have a complete disregard for the safety, rights or concern of others. Sometimes it is bad to get divorced but worse to stay married. Sometimes it is bad to endure medical treatment but worse not to; In many ways, life is not so clear or perfect as to give us good and bad. Tara had only a bad and a worse option, and therefore so did I. Again and again I have told people that when faced with that very real question of whether you are prolonging your loved one's life or your loved one's death, you will know the answer. The only question will be whether or not you have the courage to act upon what you know. The only question for me while sitting next to Tara, who was gulping for breath like a fish on land, was whether I was going to be Rabbi Leder or Steve Leder.

In that moment, I could not find a way to be both. Which one had she summoned to her bedside, the rabbi or the son who out of the deepest love secretly wished his own father would die? I spent all my free time sleeping but berated myself for being so lazy. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was tested for rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and mono, but nothing came back positive. Then, a cardiologist found I'd developed a heart murmur, and a hematologist found I had severe anemia, but neither could pinpoint why. I was still sick when winter came, nearly a year after the flu had started. No doctor could cure the mysterious disease that was plaguing me. The solution, which I finally discovered in November of 2014, was that I needed to rest. Really rest--no faking I was fine, no pushing myself to exercise and write and go to work. Manipulation, deceit or deliberate cunning are a part of their chosen personal weapons of choice. They don't have the capacity to feel remorse or guilt the way others do. Researchers debate, controversially at times, different aspects of both of these subsets. There are those working in the field who'd somewhat argue a case of genetic predisposition, a warrior gene that may be present in the case of psychopaths. Even then the environment -- a lack of nurturing -- unleashes the sleeping devil that hides inside. Sociopaths, on the other hand, are more frequently considered a creation of their environments. Either a lack of nurturing or extremities in life experiences twist a pure-born cherub into a demon. You can't see a sociopath in the rather useless but cute, wee bundle of joy in the cot. Psychopaths manage to hide and blend into society due to an ability to create a table of responses. That capacity, as evil as it is, shows signs of intelligence.

Would she ever have imagined that sometimes they are not the same? In that moment I violated my faith and confirmed my humanity. Two hours later, Dave called to tell me Tara was dead. Thank you, Rabbi Leder, for helping us, he whispered through his tears. But it was Lenny's son Steve who answered the phone. It was excruciating to sit around doing absolutely nothing. I skipped work meetings and forced myself to relax, because by then I had no other choice. My illness kept getting worse, and denying my body's needs wasn't working. I spent the next two months being completely unproductive: no juggling work and illness, no apologizing for being lazy by doing more work than was healthy for me. Once I was fully healed, it was time to reenter the world and find a new way to live that wouldn't destroy my body the way my old life did. In the years that followed my illness, I've focused on building a tenable life for myself. They may not feel any emotion, yet they recognise something in how others react so they recreate or mimic it. Sociopaths and psychopaths may ask cunning questions or introduce topics of importance to you, to build an artificial trust. Making it about you may be a part of their path to power. Narcissists, on the other hand, introduce topics of interest about them. Passive-aggressive behaviours, such as silent treatment or severance, fall among the preferred weapons of choice in their vicious armoury of vanity. All are used to perpetuate a primary purpose fuelling admiration of their own self-worth and value, often at the expense of others. Studies have been shared suggesting a potentially higher ratio of psychopaths in senior C-suite roles than in other areas of the workplace. It was industrial psychologist Paul Babiak and criminal psychologist Robert D Hare who described this phenomenon of workplace psychopaths as 'snakes in suits', estimating that around 1 per cent of the general population (that's a freaking lot! A young man in my congregation was found dead in a shallow grave in the desert.

Because he was a famous surfer, his parents asked that we gather on the beach to memorialize their son Bud before his surfing buddies paddled out into the Pacific to circle their boards, hold hands, and release flowers into the water in his honor. During the ceremony on the beach, one of his fellow surfers gave the eulogy. What he said shocked me a little and taught me a lot. When I first heard about Bud, he said in a Hawaiian surfer drawl almost too cliche to be true, I was surfing Pipeline. I caught this huuuuge wave and it almost ripped my fuckin' head off. And I just wanna say, it's 'cause Bud was with me. I had to learn to budget time into my day for relaxation and recovery. I abandoned my dream of becoming a tenured professor, which would require countless hours of research. Instead, I taught classes part-time as an adjunct, and sought out online teaching options as often as I could. I taught myself, slowly, that I deserved to be comfortable, relaxed, and happy. That's when a funny thing happened: The more my health and well-being improved, the more I noticed that my students, colleagues, and friends exhibited the same kind of self-punishing attitudes toward work that I once had, and just like me, they were beginning to pay a price for it. I realized that burned-out, sick, overcommitted people were all around me. There was Max, with her eighty- to ninety-hour workweeks; Then there were dozens and dozens of my students, each of whom had been told at some point in school that they weren't doing enough to get ahead--that they were lazy, and therefore not deserving of happiness or success. CEOs aren't alone in being tarred with the undesirable brush: lawyers, media personalities, sales people, police officers, clergy, journalists, surgeons and chefs all fall -- according to the conclusions of Kevin Dutton, a British psychologist, in his 'Great British Psychopath Survey' -- among professions with the highest proportional rates. When you see Gordon Ramsay flying off the handle this may just have some merit. There has been an escalation of people dishing out labels of psychos, sociopaths or narcissists within their circle. The reality is that while the law of probability suggests we may well cross paths with individuals who would tick boxes for credible clinically diagnosed versions of each, we'd usually do so unknowingly. More commonly these slurs and slanders are a case of mistaken identity. We observe people demonstrating behaviours born from lower skills in specific facets of EQ -- you know, crassly singing aloud songs telling anyone who doesn't love them to kiss their arse!