Conform blindly to or imitate others

She synthesised the information and came up with an innovative design. Her clients were delighted with the course and she was given a lot of praise and recognition for her work. This made her feel that all the effort had been worthwhile, even though her colleagues and clients had no …

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Dedicate yourself to impressing others

They gather information and input to get the best result. They make consultative decisions, integrating many sources of input and points of view. It tends to come naturally to them to define, clarify, support and integrate. They support the group's process and help to avoid mistakes. They may get stressed …

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Let yourself be exploited by others

We built a fire. Drank beer. And told the story of the day over and over again to ourselves--embroidering liberally as we went. First, I insisted that the group hear my version, which stressed the inevitability of the event--given Seth's moodiness and the probability that he was still wrecked from …

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Try to control things perfectly or near-perfectly

Up the ladder went Seth. Up the ladder with a very small bucket of paint balanced on one arm and a two-inch trim brush in the other--bounding to the top rung like the overwrought lunatic that he was. I, standing at the base, held the ladder steady and shouted up …

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What are your approval-seeking ways?

Most importantly, as I have said, we have had the experience of feeling safely held and soothed, and feeling felt. We have laid the groundwork for some new magic. Then, with the best friend--with Seth--comes something new: Not only do I feel felt by Seth, but I feel him. And …

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A daily practice to change your life

They have experienced very little apparent logic or consistency in their wee emotional lives. In the literature, we are told that these children have been observed turning in circles, approaching and then avoiding the parent, or entering a trance-like state of `freezing' or stillness. The disorganized child, in the most …

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Above the horizon

If you have a moment right now, read the poem over several times. Maybe read it aloud once or twice. Can you feel it? But I ask you, who is Thee in the poem--the Thee in whom Emily wishes to moor? Is Emily talking about a parent, or a lover …

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Create a creed

Navigators tend to experience stress when they don't know what is likely to happen (when Mobilisers appear to be rushing ahead with no plan, and Synthesisers and Energisers throw in too many options and ideas). So, if you have one of the other styles, be aware of how your behaviour …

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Maintain a healthy self-image

If you have the mobiliser style, listen to their ideas and avoid criticising them. Energisers, with the informing and initiating preferences, like to involve others in discussion and explain and explore their ideas. They can be stressed when others aren't willing to engage with them. Take some time to listen …

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Make room in your life for your practice

At last, and certainly for the first time in her life, Eleanor felt safely and securely held and soothed. She felt seen, she felt known, she felt felt. Souvestre demonstrated what looks in retrospect like a certain amount of primary maternal preoccupation. (The mother is fascinated by the baby. ) It …

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We are becoming less happy

Avoid appearing as though you are prevaricating or delaying unnecessarily. Mobilisers do not require too much explanation - they prefer you to get to the point, and if they want to know your reasoning, they will ask for it. Navigators and Synthesisers tend to speak in a measured or patient way …

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Bartering your time

Plus an accounting of every penny she spent in the last years of her life. ) Yes, my mother would have been a terrific queen. Beloved by her subjects, I'm sure--as she was beloved by so many who knew her. Who could aspire to more than that? She was there for …

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Conscious breathing

This form of attachment is not a good outcome for any child. Here, the parents are emotionally unavailable, imperceptive, and unresponsive. They are distant, and we are told by students of attachment theory that they manifest neglecting or outright rejecting behaviors. Most crucially: they are insensitive to the child's state …

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Inhabiting the body

If you have an informing preference, and need to get someone to do something, you can use a blended statement (one which combines information with direction) to ensure that they know what you want done: We need to know what's agreed, so please do the minutes. <a href='http://circle …

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Knocking on the temple door

When we feel threatened, the unconscious reacts more quickly than our conscious, sometimes leading us to react in ways that we later wish we hadn't. We respond emotionally before our conscious mind can decide on a more emotionally intelligent reaction. Knowing about our style makes us more aware of our …

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The new personal cost-benefit analysis

This can be a virtuous circle of increasing rapport and empathy or a downward spiral of fewer and fewer productive behaviours. This process occurs quickly, often outside our conscious control. However, if we pause to think, we can choose our response. Knowing about the styles is a shortcut to appreciating …

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The overcompensation syndrome

This included no fewer than two sets of twins--of which, of course, my sister Sandy and I were one. I have two younger sisters, who are also twins. And an older brother. So: our mother was only intermittently responsive. Of course your mother was intermittently available, you might respond quite …

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To help you sleep

They also suggested flagging' that she was going to say something important by starting assertively with a phrase such asI have a very good idea-would you like to hear it? ' This case illustrates that you can't change other people's behaviour - you can only change your own, but by changing …

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Your sleep environment

But at least we haven't given up. We've had a taste of rowing in Eden. I have heard stories of people (E. M. Forster is himself a great example) who have waited into their forties, fifties, or sixties to find a container, to find the reparative attachment experience. Why am …

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Revealing your blind side

How did you react? Did you avoid, accommodate, compete, compromise or collaborate? Was this effective? What might have been a more effective strategy for managing the conflict? Many situations in life are stressful for most of us, irrespective of our style. But you take something away from the last stage …

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We need to become self-aware

Without awareness, this underlying experience is hard to identify. But if you can pause and explore what underpins your thinking, you can better address the root of the problem rather than its symptoms. Because we are good at lists. Before you laugh, tell me you haven't had at least one …

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Starving for intimacy

Once I realized that listening to my inner voice had the ability to propel me just as much as it had the power to restrict me, I started taking notes. Literally, I started writing down my negative thoughts. Putting them on paper made me recognize how much I was listening …

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Balancing the seesaw

we are not in touch with what we really desire, what is deeply satisfying. If we sit down and really think about this, we often discover that what we really want it is not what we usually think we want, or that which we have simply accepted. If we ask …

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Building an emotional elevator

Making decisions is, for many people, a cause of serious stress. If you want to make quick, clear and effective decisions, decisions you can stand fully behind, you must first determine where a decision will lead you and at which goal you want to direct your energy. You remove a …

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Installing a cooling system

'19 They also recommend several key staples of good fitness, including moderate-to-vigorous cardiovascular/aerobic exercise, stretching and flexibility exercises, and even the development and maintenance of total body strength across a life span (though the overall emphasis still seems to be on cardiovascular health). According to Todd Miller, an associate …

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Body language

In a series of studies, they found that cardiorespiratory endurance--how fit our heart, lungs, blood, and muscles are--has a positive effect on our brain function, and that better cardiorespiratory fitness is related to better outcomes in people with neurodegenerative disorders. They have also shown that 6 months of exercise training …

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Spirituality and anxiety

She kept her eyes opened, watching above the sea of heads, to see what the master was doing. Suddenly the Master looked directly at her and pointed to the location of the third eye between his eyebrows, a very clear instruction for her to close her eyes and focus there …

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My anxious spirit

Observe how you are doing the act itself. Now, slow it down. Breathe in that air a bit deeper, and use your full lung capacity like it's meant to be used. Become aware of the correlation between your breath and your mind. Notice how when your breaths are slow and …

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Getting on my nerves

' When I put myself in the shoes of the person on the other side of my arguing and thought about how they might receive my unrelenting debate, it gave me pause. Let your frazzled brainwaves settle, and just be. Give yourself some love. And then some more. There is no …

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Relationships and anxiety

Then she said, 'I've got something to tell you. Such exertion limits the resulting payload of amino acids, fatty acids, and sugars entering our bloodstream, with the process taking enough time so that our hunger can naturally subside as we experience 'satiation' (the desire to no longer eat). These diets …

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You're making me crazy

Objectively reviewing accusations made about us during an encounter is another path for self-discovery. The older adults used both left and right hippocampi in the tasks, whereas the younger adults used primarily their left. These findings are consistent with those from studies of other brain regions showing greater use of …

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The anxious brain

As I will explain more fully later, taking part in any kind of art program, including the nonvisual arts of music, dance, and theater, can improve your health, your outlook, and your resilience. Important implications flow from these two studies, both for private citizens and for those responsible for supporting …

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Have no anxiety

When was the last time you had a really good night's sleep? And how did you feel in the morning? A super-simple tip to get you started with evening rituals is to use a smudging tool when you've decided to bring your working day to an end. As soon as …

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