I do my thing and you do your thing

. Unfortunately, it will never reach its intended audience. . People often believe they have no choice or have to do something because some loud part of them insists it's so. In the midst of such racket, quiet intuitive feelings from the center are easily overlooked. But with practice, one can learn …

more ...

Rarely if ever admit that they are wrong

AIWATT isn't a universal panacea for all our interpersonal problems. I've given it prominence here because it has a specific utility. It's a reminder that our environment tempts us many times a day to engage in pointless skirmishes. And we can do something about it - by doing nothing. Like closing …

more ...


Avoid being disloyal

(Steve, your story does not add up. But he waited to express these thoughts until he could blend them with some more generous ones. He ultimately said he understood that she was trying to please him, and that he should have complimented her at the time, but that he also …

more ...

Make decisions by indecision

A man who has been in AA for over three decades said that the community of men has been crucial in supporting each other in their relationships with intimate partners. It takes talking to other men to get the emotional grounding that we all are dealing with the same kind …

more ...

Procrastinate about making or acting on a decision

) When our performance has clear and immediate consequences, we rise to the occasion. We create our environment. We don't let it re-create us. The problem is that the majority of our day consists of minor moments, when we're not thinking about the environment or our behavior because we don't associate …

more ...




The honeymoon is over

Lack of sleep increases anxiety and stress. One study, published in the journal Sleep, found that tossing and turning just one night was enough to increase levels of stress hormones like cortisol by the very next evening. And after just one night of sleep deprivation, people also had an increase …

more ...

Straighten your thinking cap

Some styles seem to naturally appear more powerful than others. The mobiliser style, with underlying preferences for initiating communication and directing language, comes across as confident, decisive, and assertive. Their command and control' style and drive to get things done fits our stereotype of a leader. <a href='https://maps …

more ...

An unconscious loyalty toward your parents

To do this, picture yourself in the situation, observe yourself there, see what you are wearing and how you are standing or sitting. Then slowly think through what you are doing and saying, what you are thinking and feeling, what skills and qualities you have, what is important to you …

more ...

Rose-colored glasses are used in hindsight

It was an uphill climb for me. I was a closeted gay boy in a time before gay liberation. I was a scholarship student. I was from an unsophisticated Ohio family and way out of my depth in this most sophisticated of schools. I was, in truth, a hayseed. I …

more ...

Your true feelings were often denied or suppressed

They put together an action plan and implemented changes in how they interacted with their teams. This led to improved employee engagement scores in the subsequent employee opinion survey from 72% to 86%, at a time when the organisation's overall score went down, and they were delighted with this result …

more ...


Conform blindly to or imitate others

She synthesised the information and came up with an innovative design. Her clients were delighted with the course and she was given a lot of praise and recognition for her work. This made her feel that all the effort had been worthwhile, even though her colleagues and clients had no …

more ...

Dedicate yourself to impressing others

They gather information and input to get the best result. They make consultative decisions, integrating many sources of input and points of view. It tends to come naturally to them to define, clarify, support and integrate. They support the group's process and help to avoid mistakes. They may get stressed …

more ...




Let yourself be exploited by others

We built a fire. Drank beer. And told the story of the day over and over again to ourselves--embroidering liberally as we went. First, I insisted that the group hear my version, which stressed the inevitability of the event--given Seth's moodiness and the probability that he was still wrecked from …

more ...

Try to control things perfectly or near-perfectly

Up the ladder went Seth. Up the ladder with a very small bucket of paint balanced on one arm and a two-inch trim brush in the other--bounding to the top rung like the overwrought lunatic that he was. I, standing at the base, held the ladder steady and shouted up …

more ...

What are your approval-seeking ways?

Most importantly, as I have said, we have had the experience of feeling safely held and soothed, and feeling felt. We have laid the groundwork for some new magic. Then, with the best friend--with Seth--comes something new: Not only do I feel felt by Seth, but I feel him. And …

more ...

A daily practice to change your life

They have experienced very little apparent logic or consistency in their wee emotional lives. In the literature, we are told that these children have been observed turning in circles, approaching and then avoiding the parent, or entering a trance-like state of `freezing' or stillness. The disorganized child, in the most …

more ...

Above the horizon

If you have a moment right now, read the poem over several times. Maybe read it aloud once or twice. Can you feel it? But I ask you, who is Thee in the poem--the Thee in whom Emily wishes to moor? Is Emily talking about a parent, or a lover …

more ...

Create a creed

Navigators tend to experience stress when they don't know what is likely to happen (when Mobilisers appear to be rushing ahead with no plan, and Synthesisers and Energisers throw in too many options and ideas). So, if you have one of the other styles, be aware of how your behaviour …

more ...


Maintain a healthy self-image

If you have the mobiliser style, listen to their ideas and avoid criticising them. Energisers, with the informing and initiating preferences, like to involve others in discussion and explain and explore their ideas. They can be stressed when others aren't willing to engage with them. Take some time to listen …

more ...

Make room in your life for your practice

At last, and certainly for the first time in her life, Eleanor felt safely and securely held and soothed. She felt seen, she felt known, she felt felt. Souvestre demonstrated what looks in retrospect like a certain amount of primary maternal preoccupation. (The mother is fascinated by the baby. ) It …

more ...

We are becoming less happy

Avoid appearing as though you are prevaricating or delaying unnecessarily. Mobilisers do not require too much explanation - they prefer you to get to the point, and if they want to know your reasoning, they will ask for it. Navigators and Synthesisers tend to speak in a measured or patient way …

more ...

Bartering your time

Plus an accounting of every penny she spent in the last years of her life. ) Yes, my mother would have been a terrific queen. Beloved by her subjects, I'm sure--as she was beloved by so many who knew her. Who could aspire to more than that? She was there for …

more ...

Conscious breathing

This form of attachment is not a good outcome for any child. Here, the parents are emotionally unavailable, imperceptive, and unresponsive. They are distant, and we are told by students of attachment theory that they manifest neglecting or outright rejecting behaviors. Most crucially: they are insensitive to the child's state …

more ...

Inhabiting the body

If you have an informing preference, and need to get someone to do something, you can use a blended statement (one which combines information with direction) to ensure that they know what you want done: We need to know what's agreed, so please do the minutes. <a href='http://circle …

more ...

Knocking on the temple door

When we feel threatened, the unconscious reacts more quickly than our conscious, sometimes leading us to react in ways that we later wish we hadn't. We respond emotionally before our conscious mind can decide on a more emotionally intelligent reaction. Knowing about our style makes us more aware of our …

more ...


The new personal cost-benefit analysis

This can be a virtuous circle of increasing rapport and empathy or a downward spiral of fewer and fewer productive behaviours. This process occurs quickly, often outside our conscious control. However, if we pause to think, we can choose our response. Knowing about the styles is a shortcut to appreciating …

more ...

The overcompensation syndrome

This included no fewer than two sets of twins--of which, of course, my sister Sandy and I were one. I have two younger sisters, who are also twins. And an older brother. So: our mother was only intermittently responsive. Of course your mother was intermittently available, you might respond quite …

more ...

To help you sleep

They also suggested flagging' that she was going to say something important by starting assertively with a phrase such asI have a very good idea-would you like to hear it? ' This case illustrates that you can't change other people's behaviour - you can only change your own, but by changing …

more ...

Your sleep environment

But at least we haven't given up. We've had a taste of rowing in Eden. I have heard stories of people (E. M. Forster is himself a great example) who have waited into their forties, fifties, or sixties to find a container, to find the reparative attachment experience. Why am …

more ...