Giving up amity for Lent

This man lived together with his wife and their three nice kids. He had also recently become a grandfather. I asked him if he could at least experience some kind of happiness sometimes: No, he said, I feel completely empty and nothing makes me happy anymore. This man had clearly …

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Repair your arbitration

Which methods should you use when you have the biggest craving for cigarettes? Deciding on which methods to use is individual, but a method that often works is scaring yourself towards change. Finding out what you will look like and how your health will deteriorate in 10, 20 or 30 …

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Is affinity worth the effort?

But as the person with OCD gets well, family dynamics are apt to change, often with devastating psychological consequences. Roles become reversed, and the once-powerless partner may make a power play. Others in the family may resent that the person has improved because now the family has to start facing …

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Giving up sympathy for Lent

Recording in a journal the activities you do during the Refocusing and Revaluing steps, as achievements you want to keep track of, strongly reinforces this process. As you note each decrease in your anxieties and urges and record which activities cause the anxiety to decrease, these signs of progress will …

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Make time for understanding today

There's also no evidence that you can contract the virus from food that's been handled by someone infected with COVID-19. Again, this is a respiratory virus, and the primary means of transmission is through respiratory droplets in the air. Is It Safe to Use a Public Restroom? Public restrooms are …

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The passion approach

More is better. When in doubt, err on the side of safety. In our new normal, no one is going to accuse you of being rude if you want to stay at least six feet apart. Similarly, you'll never be sorry if everyone wears a mask inside a restaurant, but …

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Is approval the answer?

I know it seems a little out there, but a few years ago I was struck by Cioffi and Garner's research, and the power of active commitment. I wrote the contract to help friends navigate a tricky breakup. Since then, several thousand couples around the world have accessed the online …

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Is it time to see empathy yet?

Our brain undergoes the same experience during a breakup and a drug withdrawal. It's no wonder we want to keep getting high on our ex's supply. Might as well face it: You're addicted to love. Breakups wreak havoc on our body, our feelings, and our behavior. Add to that a …

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Coping with complying

He would have to clean his apartment twelve times (twelve was a good number) and then find some girl and have sex in order to cosmically sort of switch the energies back the right way, so a member of his family would not die. Using a woman in that way …

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Awareness makes consistency possible

Many trainers now coach clients in parks or green spaces around cities. Others coach virtually, which is a trend that predates the outbreak--and plenty of people, including many serious athletes, have found it to be just as effective as in-person training. Compared to in-person training, remote coaching can be less …

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Common responses to assent

Seasons two and three of the show were lackluster. Will you stick around and wait to see how season four turns out? Or is it time to start a new show? No matter what, he'd already dated her for three years. He needed to decide: Did he want to date …

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Giving up docility for Lent

For him, the first step in Relabeling was to recognize the absurdity of his hand washing and to convince himself that it was not logical. When he was at home, he washed almost continuously, but when he was out, it didn't seem so important to wash. In behavior therapy, I …

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Don't expect permission every day

Using what I know as a doctor and have learned on the front lines of this pandemic from Day One, along with principles I've learned from mental-health professionals, I want to show you the ways in which you can accept what you can't control and control what you can. Wishful …

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Is conventionality the answer?

We were so different. Even on that first date, she was reading a article, and I was just trying to get drunk. They'd changed the subject when certain topics came up--like the fact that he wanted children and she didn't, or that she wanted to return to South Korea and …

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Common responses to reconciliation

Your aspirations are the same as those of a magician. He wants to enjoy his routine, he wants to appreciate his efforts, and he wants to applaud his successes. Do the same for yourself. As you savor your definition of magic, others feel your enthusiasm and get closer to the …

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Another obstacle to fidelity

This is something you'll do before every date to get you in the right headspace. Here are some pre-date rituals from my clients: I always plan ahead. I turn off my work notifications. I try to block off at least thirty minutes before starting my date. The fifty-year-old father of …

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Turn weakness into a game

Many of my clients, desperate to find love but also busy with other commitments, have managed to drain all the flirtation and fun out of the experience of dating. Instead, they tend to engage in what I call evaluative dating (or evaludating, if you want to be cute about it …

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Another obstacle to consent

A movie screening of Before Midnight? A Richard Linklater classic for sure, but watching a movie with a group doesn't mean you connect with anyone; That one goes in the bottom-right corner--high likelihood she'd enjoy it, low likelihood of interaction. Eventually, we discovered a article club discussing Ta-Nehisi Coates, the …

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Is decision the answer?

God knows that disrespect is only felt when given. God knows that uniqueness is the definition of God. God knows that power comes from within, not without. God knows that respect for others makes you feel important. God knows that every part of self makes up the whole. If you …

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Coping with affection

Is your faith full of support? Is it nourishing your life? Are strangers welcome? Does your leader believe that all parishioners are equal in importance? Do the teachings of your faith encourage love, joy, and laughter? They are designing the environment in which we make decisions about dating. And, by …

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Limit your options with regards to understanding

That fateful Saturday, walking through Dolores Park, looking down at the San Francisco skyline, I replied yes to his invitation for lunch. That lunch turned into a weekly--and then daily--activity. We started calling each other to commiserate after our terrible online dates with strangers. He and his friend recorded a …

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Is it time to see communion yet?

John Gottman discovered that 69 percent of all relationship conflicts are perpetual. Common examples of perpetual problems include situations where one person likes to go out while the other prefers to stay in, or where one person is neat and the other is messy. These might include differing opinions on …

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Make time for noncomformity today

In his 2017 TED Talk, Tashiro notes that Kind partners are awesome. They're generous, they're empathic, and they want to be supportive of you. Kindness and emotional stability also allow us to treat our partner with care and compassion, which research from John and Julie Gottman suggests is the key …

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Common responses to strength

Avoidantly attached people are so good at pushing other people away, the only time they end up in a relationship is when the other person is especially persistent. I am nothing if not persistent, Vivian said. The server finally arrived with our drinks. Vivian looked out the window, watching a …

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The empathy approach

She has no judgments on it; The human body is a source of pleasure at every stage of life. But never is the owner of one more enthusiastic than when she first realizes her incredible self-sufficiency. She has a little machine that eats, sleeps, laughs, hears, sees, smells, and eliminates …

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Make time for adjustment today

Or do you B) spend twenty-five minutes scrolling through every single new release, comedy, drama, documentary, and foreign film, as well as all the TV shows, before committing to the absolute best option? If you chose A, you're likely a Satisficer. If you selected B, you're clearly a Maximizer. Maximizers …

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Common responses to greed

Dating apps had just come out, and I was spending a lot of time swiping. I saw people all around me were struggling, too. We'd gone from the first iPod (a thousand songs in your pocket) to ubiquitous smartphones with a thousand possible Tinder dates in your pocket. Instead of …

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Another obstacle to involvement

Her afternoon had gotten so busy with meetings and an unexpected office visit from her boss that she completely spaced on the grocery store. In the scheme of life, it wasn't a big deal, but it triggered an eruption in Scott. He started screaming about how he can't rely or …

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Filter out acknowledging

There's a rhythm to the sport--a sort of pendulum effect, almost like a dance--that you don't get from other water sports. There's something about the moment the engine roars--10,000 pounds of weight pulling away all at once. The water displaces, you hit the wake and stand up sidewise, and …

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Standing up for zeal

Worse yet, I am more than likely to carry on as though my version of you contains some essential truth and is the correct version, more correct even than your own. How rarely do you hear someone say 'I experience my husband as a pig' and how frequently do you …

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Standing up for appreciation

The fact that diagnoses can differ and fluctuate so much brings us back to the original issues raised in the first article, which pointed out how the very concept of diagnoses can be limited and problematic. In any case, assuming we can be sure that someone has an addiction, what …

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I eat when I'm bored

That's clear, but knowing it is not enough to change things. Carl could have the reasons he is acting/over-reacting explained to him, yet go on feeling irritated and tense. This is because his mind, like yours or mine, is capable of knowing many things that his emotions fail to …

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Don't you talk to an adult like that!

You were right. You are not lovable. This does not mean that you are not great company, even charismatic. It is possible to be those things and to 'borrow' the feelings of lovability while you are sparkling. But intimacy, as well as solitude, requires a level of self-awareness and of …

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Living an Organized Life

Imagine your usual route home involves crossing a bridge over a river. One day, the bridge collapses while you're on the wrong side. You can't go home now, you're stuck. In this analogy, your house is your normal functioning mind. The bridge is your usual way of achieving and sustaining …

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I am here to make it safe for you

In my time as a nurse in the accident and emergency department, I saw many groups of friends come in, usually because one of them had taken too much or drunk too much. Of course, the mate who'd ended up hospitalised was often mocked, and silly photos were taken, but …

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